The tension between what was - - and what is

While walking through loss and grief, much wrestling has taken place in the depths of my heart, soul and mind as I continue to process such agonizing change.

Death is so final.  There's no going back - only moving forward. And in the midst of taking steps my heart continues to find comfort in that I wouldn't go back to life as I once knew it....even if I could. Let me explain that thought from my perspective.

The moment my precious husband slipped through the veil into the presence of our holy, majestic Savior - - I knew that he would never chose to come back, even if he could.  Although Tim loved me with his entire heart - meeting Jesus face to face - - would wipe away any longing to be here with me as his greatest hearts desire of being in heaven, with Jesus was now fulfilled.

In Tim's death I'm choosing to believe it's a win/win for both of us.  He's won because he's experiencing eternal life with Jesus.  He's won - because God's most perfect, sovereign plan for his life was fulfilled and it was time for him to meet Jesus face to face. 

I'm winning, because as I walk thru loss and grief, eternity and the promise of heaven has been chiseled ever SO deeply within my heart.  My stance has changed.  My focus has changed.  My hopes and dreams have changed. I've changed.  I respond differently to those in need. My level of compassion and care has been stretched. I view and look at life SO differently. And, in the midst of it all - I continue to see God's unfailing faithfulness to me and my heart.

I've grown in my understanding of God's sovereign plan in and for my life. He allows nothing into my life to harm me - but rather - if I'm willing to dig in - do the hard work which transforms my life - the hard is worth it all as it leads me to seeing his perfect plan.

Each day, as I walk through the fire and through the waters - he's proven that he will never let me go.  He moment by moment gently continues to whisper in my ear.- you've got this - you can do it - keep gripping my hand - I'll never leave your nor forsake you - you are not alone.

I'm so thankful that HE knows how my story ends - and in the in-between - in the tension of what was and what is to come I can rest in knowing he's writing a beautiful story. He promises beauty from ashes and until I fully see the beauty - I'll continue to press in allowing him to do the hard, cultivating, work that will ultimately lead me to my greatest hope and longing - eternity FOREVER!

Death doesn't win....

I knew that celebrating your birthday would be difficult, yet nothing prepared me for how my heart would feel.  The eve of your birthday truly was the most difficult valley I've walked thru since losing you. I can't help but feel it was because your birthday...is a day...all about you, where other milestones have involved all of us.

My parents instilled in me the 'gift' of celebrating family on their birthday, and my mom made sure everyones birthday was a big deal - we celebrated hard - and we carried on that tradition with our kids and grandkids, so today...not knowing how to navigate your birthday added additional grief to the process.

My heart is thankful that we had a 'plan' for how we wanted to spend our day...and we found laughter, in the midst of the sadness.

I wanted to start a tradition with the grandkids that would honor you each year on this your birthday so we picked up balloon so we each could write you a note, attach them to the balloon and send them to heaven....to you.

After picking up the balloons....the tension between my plans and my wishes....collided with the sovereign plan of God.

As we headed back to Andrew's my mind declared:

"it's NOT supposed to be this way!!" 

We aren't supposed to be buying balloons, writing notes and letting them go to heaven. You should be here with us celebrating your 57th birthday, and we should have at last 30 more years together.

Then my heart....gently whispered......

"everything is...as it should be!"

And in that moment my heart once again knew that you being in heaven IS Gods perfect sovereign plan. I may not ever fully understand it. I would never have chosen this...but I know his ways are not mine....and even in the hard, I WILL declare...that God is STILL good. I believe that HIS plan is perfect.....and what I'm walking thru is NOT meant to harm me...BUT it will cultivate a work in my heart that will lead me to my next. And as I wait, I'm pressing in to Jesus...asking him to give me a new vision and version...of how my life will and should look, now that I'm walking this road without you. 

And, I continue to draw a hard line in the sand believing that what I'm going through will produce a harvest....and that pruning is necessary.....and what looks hard/bad today will lead to growth as I moment by moment press into Jesus. There's no turning back....there's no rewinding time....there are no do overs, so my eye's are fixed on Jesus knowing his plan out ways anything I could hope for. 

We gathered together - we wrote you notes - the kids colored pictures - and we released the balloon to heaven - to you - HONORING you today...for the amazing husband, father, and papa that you are.  And we will carry on your legacy of faith each and every day.  

As I close out this day....my heart rejoices that I've experienced sorrow mixed with great joy, weeping wrapped in happiness, grief walking hand in hand with hope, tears turned to laughter and the sweetest peace that passes all understanding that I never knew I could or would experience.  With each step I take Jesus continues to be my portion ----and he's moment by moment holding me up by his right hand---and I'm leaning in, gripping his hand tighter than ever before.  And, my hearts anthem continues to be---"Let My Life Tell of Who Jesus Is!"

Until forever.......all my love....

Me💗

xoxo