Mile Marker - Two Years

Tim,

It's been 2 years - 24 months - 730 day - 17,520 hours - 1,051,200 minutes and 63,072,000 seconds that I've navigated this life without you; and I never imagined I'd need to survive 1 day without you, let alone 2 years.  Yet here I am, walking a reality I would have never chosen yet knowing in my heart, God's plan is perfect and he doesn't make mistakes even if his plan causes me pain. I keep reminding myself that there is a purpose in all of this, and I'm seeing beauty rise up from the ashes.

They say the second year of walking in and through grief is much harder than year one, and I'd have to say, I agree!  The first year I learned to adjust to not having you here; daily reminders that this wasn't something I'd wake up from, instead, it was my reality.  Year two, had me navigate and grieve not just you, but every detail, aspect, dream and hope we had experienced, built and shared together.  How does one pivot, in an instant and change direction and then recover after the loss of a spouse?  Shifting from our plans, our dreams, our future as a couple - to me learning to be alone, learning to plan and figuring out a future without you?

Year two - great tension as I've learned it's ok to forget pieces of my heart that I clung to so tightly in year one. Realizing I've walked thru a Monday - a - Thursday, or the 9th and the 12th of a month and I didn't remember - the hard memories of those 2 days that have been etched so deeply in my heart.  Somedays it feels as though you've been gone one day - others, it seems like a lifetime.  And then, there are times I find myself straining to remember the sound of your voice, the sound of your laughter and your wittiness. Yet, as I sit with and navigate my grief, I know this is all part of the healing process.

Year two has also magnified just how much I miss talking to you.  Although I enjoy quiet, reflection and alone time, the stillness, the quiet at times is so very deafening. You know better than anyone that I'm a thinker, a processor, a hasheroutter (is that even a word?? This is where you'd grin and tell me no! 😜) and I miss and long to share my days, my heart, my thoughts my questions and my concerns with you.  I always said you were the BEST girlfriend I could ever have - because you 'got me', you understood me so well, and you were ALWAYS so patient, and willing to sit and listen, and listen, and listen again. The absence of this treasured, priceless gift you provided me has left a gapping hole in my heart and life.  Yet as I navigate all that swirls in my head and heart, the toughest piece is learning to make decisions without you.  You know better than anyone that I don't like making wrong choices - and not having you here often leaves me feeling paralyzed, and so indecisive.  Yet, with each decision I've had to make - I've felt great comfort in knowing that Jesus is walking along side of me, and his heart is for me, and he promises to take care of me; and I've learning that God doesn't have a 'Plan B' for my life, instead, he's creating, fashioning and building a beautiful chapter 2.

Although the dreams we shared will never be, I KNOW that God has an amazing plan and purpose for me and I'm feeling somewhat unsettled (in a good way) knowing that even when I don't see the entirety of God's plan for me, I know he's working and making a way.  I continue pressing into him more than ever before, knowing that in this season, I can trust him. Walking through the valley of the shadow of death has taught me that HIS faithfulness continues to carry me through the most devastating season of my life - losing you - so I can trust him to continue to carry me as I walk into the future because he only has good in store for me. 

As I begin to think about my future, I remember standing on the ocean shores of Maui on the last day of my vacation this past January.  As I looked out as far as I could see and the ocean touched the sky, I intentionally listened to the waves crashing against the shore, breathing in the salty air, tears streaming down my face praying, asking God to speak to my heart - and give me a confirmation that he was working all things out for my good, and that he had a plan even if I couldn't see it? I then put my ear buds in and the song, Beauty for Ashes by Chris McClarney came on, and in that moment, peace filled my heart, and mind and I knew beyond a shadow of doubt, that although my life, my old dreams, and hopes ended in ashes - he's promised me beauty.

He's proven over and over again to me that HE is a good...good Father - and he has a beautiful purpose for what I'm walking in and through.  With each step, I remind myself that this life is a vapor and eternity is forever; and as I navigate my steps, I'll continue to honor you as I follow the plans Jesus lays out for me. And, I know beyond a shadow of doubt, you are smiling down, so proud of me for doing the hard work (you were a great teacher) of walking towards healing and trusting Jesus.

And with each passing day, I long for the day when I'll see you again; but until then, I'll LOVE you forever, and I'll see you soon....in the twinkling of an eye.....

The tension between what was - - and what is

While walking through loss and grief, much wrestling has taken place in the depths of my heart, soul and mind as I continue to process such agonizing change.

Death is so final.  There's no going back - only moving forward. And in the midst of taking steps my heart continues to find comfort in that I wouldn't go back to life as I once knew it....even if I could. Let me explain that thought from my perspective.

The moment my precious husband slipped through the veil into the presence of our holy, majestic Savior - - I knew that he would never chose to come back, even if he could.  Although Tim loved me with his entire heart - meeting Jesus face to face - - would wipe away any longing to be here with me as his greatest hearts desire of being in heaven, with Jesus was now fulfilled.

In Tim's death I'm choosing to believe it's a win/win for both of us.  He's won because he's experiencing eternal life with Jesus.  He's won - because God's most perfect, sovereign plan for his life was fulfilled and it was time for him to meet Jesus face to face. 

I'm winning, because as I walk thru loss and grief, eternity and the promise of heaven has been chiseled ever SO deeply within my heart.  My stance has changed.  My focus has changed.  My hopes and dreams have changed. I've changed.  I respond differently to those in need. My level of compassion and care has been stretched. I view and look at life SO differently. And, in the midst of it all - I continue to see God's unfailing faithfulness to me and my heart.

I've grown in my understanding of God's sovereign plan in and for my life. He allows nothing into my life to harm me - but rather - if I'm willing to dig in - do the hard work which transforms my life - the hard is worth it all as it leads me to seeing his perfect plan.

Each day, as I walk through the fire and through the waters - he's proven that he will never let me go.  He moment by moment gently continues to whisper in my ear.- you've got this - you can do it - keep gripping my hand - I'll never leave your nor forsake you - you are not alone.

I'm so thankful that HE knows how my story ends - and in the in-between - in the tension of what was and what is to come I can rest in knowing he's writing a beautiful story. He promises beauty from ashes and until I fully see the beauty - I'll continue to press in allowing him to do the hard, cultivating, work that will ultimately lead me to my greatest hope and longing - eternity FOREVER!

Available

The past few weeks the song Available (Elevation Worship) has been on repeat; (I’ve linked the song below) and each time I hear the song, my heart finds comfort in the words penned as I continue on my journey thru the ebbs and flows of loss and grief.   Now, 22 months in I’m still learning that there are many layers that need to be peeled back, processed, worked on and walked through.  Adding to the mix a pandemic, and the reality of what I have lost has enhanced, I've found myself walking through and processing much:

good days - bad days  

happiness - sadness 

laughter - tears  

joy - sorrow

tension - walking a tight rope as the movement of time continues to find me standing on the edge of what was - straining to see what’s up ahead - while starring at the broken, charred pieces of my life.  Pieces held in my hands; precious reminders, remnants of a life I once knew - a life I loved - a life I treasured - a life I lived. Longing to align the rough edges, hoping to put the pieces back together - knowing, that as hard as I try, I, in my own strength cannot rebuild beauty from the broken pieces of my life. 

In these moment, I’m reminded that when I don’t know what to do -  my greatest weapon is found in my praise and worship.  As I posture my heart towards worship - my stance turns to one of surrender -  wholly and completely.  (2 Chronicles 20: 21-25)  Open hands - lifting and offering all of my brokenness as a sacrifice - an act of surrender - that says, 

“Lord - I’m available - take the broken pieces of a life I once knew -  mold them, shape them, use what you may to rebuild, and remove that which is no longer needed and create a beautiful tapestry out of the remnants of my life."

Being “available” - stretching - lifting my broken pieces - releasing my will, my plans, my desires and resting in the knowing that only HE can transform the ashes of my life into something beautiful, even when I can’t see it, and when I don't feel it.

In my waiting - in my surrender - hands lifted saying yes Lord, - I’m available, may my heart always reflect this thought:

“ Here is a sheep so utterly satisfied with its lot in life, so fully contented with the care it receives, so much ‘at home’ with the shepherd that there is not a shred of desire for change. “ A Shepherd Looks at Psalms

May my waiting - my surrender - my availability find me ‘content’. Content in the love and care HE - my great Shepherd provides.  Knowing it is unending and as long as I stay close to the him I have nothing to fear.

I’m learning that grief isn’t an event I can pass through, or get rid of.  Rather, grief will walk with me, all the days of life - and as I daily say,

“I’m available Lord - use me as you may”

my grief, my loss, my story will be used as a conduit - ministering hope and a knowing, that even in the darkest of nights, in the valley of the shadow of death - his plans and purpose are good. May my heart be inclined to always lean towards - being available.

Available-Elevation Worship

Faith in the midst of the unknown

Today marks 16 days of 'social distancing' which has resulted in a lot of alone time, and as I've been navigating this season, with the continual spool of news....this pandemic has intensified so much within my own heart.

So many triggers - so many feelings rekindled - so many memories of what I experienced during my darkest night, which continue to bubble up to the surface.  Step by step, learning to adjust to the new cadence of living and being along, and then, this pandemic.  The current state of our world has magnified, and elevated the realization that I must navigate this season - - alone. And, in my aloneness, I've longed more than ever to have Tim  'sheltered in place' at home with me, yet knowing that's not possible. A continual reminder of what I've lost, longing for how it use to be, realizing that I'll need to push thru.......without him, his wisdom, his guidance and his reassurance.

Each of us, are grappling with our own fears and worry - and my heart has felt those same emotions - -  more time's than I'd care to admit. Such unsettledness in our world, and the constant news can quickly replace faith with fear. And each time my mind leads to fear and worry, my heart reminds me that HE is where my peace and faith are found.

As I sit and process all that's going on - when triggers want to consume me - when the whisper in my ear continues to remind me I'm alone - I'm thankful that my heart continues to be drawn to the word of God to find my comfort & hope.  This past week I've been meditating on: Isaiah 43:1-3 which says,

"do not fear, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I AM the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel."

God's word promises that I will pass through, although, sometimes when I face a trial, the unknown - I may have to set up camp and sit and stay awhile; I'm learning that in my waiting - I will persevere- and I do not have to submit to 'fear' because wherever I go - HE has gone before me.  God's faithfulness in my past, has been my greatest comfort, knowing that he saw me thru the loss of Tim - the greatest heartache imagined - and if he could bring me thru my darkest night - he can bring me thru anything.

Worry and fear affect each and everyone of us in different ways, and no two people will experience it the same. For me personally, when worry and fear creep in, when I feel isolated, alone, stressed, worried...etc....here are a few things I continue to be intentional about doing:

1. reach out to someone who you know will pray with you. I'm not talking about a 'token' prayer - but someone in whom you know can breathe God's comfort into your weary heart. We all have those times when we need encouragement from others.  Find those people - you need them.

2. be an encouragement to someone else in need. Often, when we feel we have the greatest need, serving others is a great perspective changer.

3. turn off the noise - stop watching and listening to the news (yes we need to be informed - but we need to  guard our hearts from the constant feeds that scream fear and worry) continually.

4. when worry and fear seem to over take you - shift your mind to focus on the promises found in God's word.  Fear is an uninvited guest in our mind - and we have the choice to let fear '' in  - or replace fear with faith.

I know God longs to cover me with his-
-peace
-comfort
-joy

and when I meditate on and spend time in God's presence through worship, the word and prayer - pain, worry, fear, sickness, weariness, depression....etc...have no place.  For in HIM - and in his presence I can find rest and everything I need.

I'm learning to be intentional with shifting my thoughts from the unknown - onto what I do know.  God knows my beginning from my end - he knows every hair on my heart- and he has an abundant plan for me.

During this time of social distancing, I believe God wants to use this time to reset and grow me.  I'm continually asking him to lead me into a new season of rest, seeking him and his heart in a deeper way, having the assurance that his plans for me are good. I don't want to waste these days longing to return to what I think and feel is normal.  And I'm learning that often before God can lead me into something new - he has to disrupt my normal.  I continue to remind myself that God is already in my tomorrows...he goes before me....he's behind me....he's within me...and he's all around me.  He simply longs for me to lean into him - walk in faith knowing that he's going ahead of me, making a way, where there seems to be no way.


I continue to reminder myself that nothing EVER catches God by surprised, nor is he up in heaven trying to figure out what he should do.  Instead - he has a perfect sovereign plan - and everything is as it should be.

And, as I 'remember' all that he's done, I also find great comfort in words penned by Tim.  Praying, they comfort you as well:

"Dear God of all comfort, help me to remember that there is a loving purpose behind every problem that you allow in my life.  Teach me to respond to my difficulties the way Jesus would.  Cultivate my character through the circumstances of life.  Help me to trust your purpose....even in my pain." October 2005

Pondering's from a widows heart......

Soon I’ll reach the 20 month mile marker since Tim met Jesus, and with each passing day I continue to see God’s goodness in my life. Yet, my heart continues to wrestle with much learning that even in the hard God has always had a perfect plan for my life.  Have I always liked his plan?  No!  Have I often tried to find my own path? Yes!  Yet, though the valley of the shadow of death - I’m learning that HE will never leave me - that he’s always doing the best thing for me and if I knew the beginning from the end - I’d choose exactly what he’s doing in and through me.  So in faith - I have to trust - I have to believe he's creating a beautiful tapestry from my life. 

I’m a word picture type of person and as I process what I’m walking through I can’t help but visualize my life in a boat out on the ocean.  July 8th Tim and I were enjoying life - dreaming - planning - and looking forward to so many things. We were happy and sailing through life.  July 9th, our life - our boat capsized miles and miles from shore and as I soon began to tread water, I realized I was alone and I couldn’t find my way to the safety of the shore - to the shallow water where I could touch bottom - find my footing - being confident that I’d be ok.

Walking through loss and grief has often felt like huge waves sucking me under and at times leaving me breathless feeling as though I wouldn't make it.  Yet - with each wave - I’ve felt the amazing presence of my Jesus - whispering "trust me".

Battling the waves of my sea - called grief I continue to learn deep - profound lessons.  Lesson’s I would and could have never learned apart from walking through loss.

Suffering has:

• deepened me spiritually as I’ve had to accept a life I did not want, nor one I can control.  My lack of controlling what has happened to me has stirred up many questions that have deepened my hunger for the Lord. I’ve learned to cling to God's promises as I continue treading water - trusting his plan even in the unseen and knowing that he does his best work in and through me when I'm out in the deep.

• taught me that God is enough - even in my darkest night.

• taught me that although my worst fear has become my reality, God never changes, he never wavers and he will never leave me.

• taught me to incline my ear to ‘hear’ the promises God speaks for and over me.  I've found it is so easy to believe the lies satan whispers in my ear - yet - often I question God’s promises?   I’m learning to be intentional with my thought, shifting from lies whispered to the promises found in God’s word.

• taught me that God created me for such a time as this.  Since the day I was born, he has crafted, shaped and molded me to walk through this hard season.  My steps have been divinely ordered - so why would I not trust him and his plan for me?

• taught me that I don’t have to have my future figured out, and as I daily walk into the unknown I can have total and complete peace.

• taught me that although I struggle with figuring out who I am without Tim - questioning how I’ll navigate my life being alone - God will never leave me and he’s working and preparing me for amazing things.

• taught me that my mess - is my ministry. 

• taught me that my value isn’t determined by what I do - but rather by what I'm willing to allow God to use. My grief, my brokenness, my story.

• taught me that when I think I’m clinging to Jesus for dear life - he’s clinging to me, letting me know he will never leave me, nor forsake me.

• taught me that loss and grief will follow me all the days of my life; and on this journey I'll have a choice.  I can either sit in my grief and lament, walk around depressed, feeling hopeless, and being the person others avoid; OR, I can press in, allowing God to turn my loss and grief into something good - something beautiful - something he can use for his glory.

• taught me that I’m stronger than I ever knew; and I’m capable of doing hard things. I'm a survivor - not a victim and I do not have to be a slave to loss and grief, nor do I have to 'set up camp' and live here forever.

• taught me that although Tim's life ended - my life hasn't and the plans God has for us will continue on thru me as I choose to show up everyday.

• taught me that I may not like my circumstances - but I can look for the gifts they bring - living from a place of gratitude.

Suffering - a passageway to healing and wholeness and etched deep within my heart a knowing that God stands by his promises that beauty will come from the ashes of my life.  And with each passing month - my heart continues to shift, making a deliberate choice to not continually look back on and stay stuck in the ashes of my life - focusing on all that I’ve lost. Instead, focusing on all of the beautiful things God is doing, restoring, rebuilding and planning for my life.


Moment by moment I choose to rest in the promise God continues to whisper in my ear.....you're gonna be ok - and I do not have to be afraid....because I have this confidence - because I've seen the faithfulness of God!!!

Suffering - continues to produce endurance - endurance producing character - and character producing HOPE. Romand 5:3-5

May my life always be an example of endurance - character and HOPE!

Click the link to hear the song:

Not Afraid

thoughts from a widow

As I continue navigating my journey through loss & grief there is much that the average on looker would never need to consider or understand about walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Before I became a widow I never gave a thought to what my life would be like if Tim passed away because becoming a widow was never on my radar.

  Have you ever taken a moment to realize that if you are married you will either pass away first, OR you'll face the unimaginable reality of becoming a widow/widower unless Jesus returns first??  It’s true….we will all face death…or being left behind to pick up the pieces of our lives we once knew and loved.  As I move forward I'm continually reminded of the impact death has made on every aspect of my life, my routine, my days and how much my life has been altered.

With each passing day, which quickly turns into months the impact of my reality and what I'm walking thru has many similarities with other widows, and I've seen many common threads.  As I share my thoughts, I share them moreso for me - so one day, when I'm farther down the road I can look back and see just how much I've grown, and how faithful Jesus has continued to be, carrying me with each step I take.  I've learned that grief will always be a close friend - and no matter how much time passes,  I want my life to be an example -- proof - - that God is good  - - he is faithful - - and he has a purpose in and through my pain. 

My thoughts are in no particular order - - just thoughts that cross my mind and things my heart wrestles with and ponders:

• I've often felt as though a part of me has been cut off - - amputated if you will.  I feel like I'm 1/2 the person I once was.  Learning to live as a 1/2 isn’t easy.  It takes time, courage and strength to learn to live this life alone. 

• All of the love and support I receive from others will never replace the love and support I’ve lost from Tim; although they are very much appreciated, welcomed and needed.  Our marriage grew us together in ways that once death visited, I wasn't sure how I'd survive.  Our marriage was a gift.  Something sacred - something holy that produced growth in ways that developed a bond of oneness between us.  Our togetherness, cultivated and invested so much into our relationship that now causes great pause as I process how to move forward without Tim - - alone.  

• We had plans, goals and dreams, and in an instant, it was all taken away. I often find myself struggling to find my footing, trying to rebound and determine what's next. Tim was the leader of our home - - we discussed everything - - but at the end of the day - - I'd prefer and he'd lead.  And now,  I have to lead - - and that's been uncharted territory for me which often leaves me feels unsure, questioning and not wanting to make the wrong decision(s). As I press forward, I continue seeking Jesus like never before as I begin to dream again, knowing God has a future for me.  A future without Tim.

• I’ve learned first hand that I live in a ‘couples’ world.  Learning to socialize after loss is so hard, and often something I stay away from because it reminds me…of what I’ve lost. I've shown up at couples events with a smile - - but on the inside my heart longs for what will never be, and I've found it's emotionally exhausting to be 'on' when on the inside my heart is hurting.

• I often smile and say I am doing ok when you ask.  When in reality, tears sit on the edge of my eyes and I often pray they’ll stay at bay until I'm alone. And in those alone moments there is much tension as I often find such sweet peace and comfort in Jesus' presence - and other times I beg him  to take this pain - - to take this cup away because it's too heavy for me to carry. Yet I know, he's given me sweet peace - - even in the hard.

• I’ve learned to give you the ‘right’ answer, when I'm asked how I'm doing, so I don’t make you feel uncomfortable.  But, then there are those who aren't afraid a push. Those who continue to reach in, checking in with me, getting me to talk, to laugh, so I share and process what's going on in my heart.

• Tim was more than just my spouse. He fulfilled so many important aspects in my heart and life. He was my best friend, my dinner date, my confidant, my secret keeper, we shared secret glances, and we had many inside jokes.  He was my travel companion, my workout buddy, my spiritual investor, my prayer partner, my sounding board, my lover…..and now…I must walk through grieving EVERY part of our lives that touched and impacted me. I've come to fully understand that grieving is a long process.  The first year following Tim's death, I grieved his physical presence.  Often thinking I heard the garage door opening which told me he was home. Or when I heard my neighbors foot steps above me and I'd think, oh he must be wrapping up his day and he's heading down stairs now. Realizing, he's truly gone - and gone forever.  After the 1st year anniversary of his death I began to slowly start grieving all of the things listed above.  Grief, it can't be rushed, hurried, or ignored. I'm learning to sit in my grief - - processing every twist and turn...so that in doing so - - true healing takes place. 

• I'm now left to cover all the bases we once divided and conquered together. We had  a system, a rhythm and I feel his absence everyday - perhaps the most when I need to deal with my car ....and taxes...or the fact that I now have to make the bed everyone morning! 🙂 As I continue to put one foot in front of the other I'm continually seeking the Lord for his wisdom and direction as I now have to figure life out without Tim. And in those moments I'm SO thankful for God's word which speaks hope and healing to my heart....which provides me rest and a knowing that what I'm walking through isn't intended to harm me....but to grow me in amazing ways.

• Learning to fall asleep at night without Tim laying next to me is slowly becoming easier.  Missing drifting off to sleep to the cadence of his breathing, or reaching across the bed to hold his hand, only to remember…..or sleeping on his side of the bed with his shirt because it makes me feel close to him. Yet in the dark of night - -  in the stillness - - Jesus has been so faithful to me and I've experienced amazing sleep every night since Tim's funeral.

• Finding some of my safest connections in private groups full of other widows.  Experiencing comfort and solace with and from strangers I've never met in person, feeling a connection of sameness pouring out my heart because it feels safe. Being vulnerable, sharing private intimate things knowing that someone can relate - - someone understands - - and no one will ask you any of 'those questions.'   And in the sharing, never being judged, questioned, are feeling as though you should be over your grief by now, or having people avoid you.

• When I'm asked to reach out if I need anything - I don't - because I don’t know what I need.  Yet, I long for people to step in, unafraid to sit with me, take me to coffee, etc - helping me experience normal life. Being alone at times is deafening.

• When you see me in public, don’t avoid me.  Becoming a widow isn’t contagious - you won’t catch it.

• I don’t expect you to understand what I'm walking through.  Loss and grief are individually specific and I know first hand that unless you’ve walked thru the loss of your spouse you can’t understand…and that’s ok. I'm not looking for you to have the 'right' words - - because there are no right words instead I'm longing to know you simply care.

• As the ebbs and flow of grief continue to walk with me towards healing I've learned that I will never be the same person I was before loss and grief.  Death has changed me….death has grown me in ways I never knew possible......death has expanded my compassion and care for people.......and death.....has changed my perspective on life.  I'm also learning that it's an honor to be asked to carry something so holy - so sacred - something called grief.  And with each step I take, Jesus continues to bottle up my tears, carrying me when I can't take another step.  And thru his faithfulness to me, I'll continue running to him knowing he is such a Good....Good....Father.  

 Death has also shifted my stance and glance towards heaven.  Each morning my eyes are fixed on heaven...longing and waiting for my greatest hope to be fulfilled - - eternity in heaven - - forever.

Beautifully Broken

458 days - 15 months since I said my hardest good-bye to you.  I remember walking down that long hospital hallway, leaving you behind -  knowing in the depth of my being that nothing in my life would ever be the same; and although I miss you with ever fiber of my being, and for selfish reasons I wish you were still here - Jesus has been so faithful & close to my broken heart.

As I move forward, my heart and mind continue to wrestle with much tension – being pulled between longing to go back – yet knowing the only way forward is through.

Tension between losing you and giving up all of our hopes and dreams - and then wrestling with knowing I must continue pressing forward - intentionally taking steps into all Jesus has for me.

Tension between memories and remembering our final days together - and then, not feeling guilty when my mind forgets to remember.  I’m learning that forgetting is all part of the healing process – slowly forgetting - allowing time, and his healing power to free me from feeling the need to relive every detail of our final 4 days together - every single week. Yet, at times longing to remember – feeling guilty when I don’t - and worrying that one day the memories will forever slip away - fearful of losing them, because they are all I have left of my time with you. 

Tension in thinking back and remembering what I was doing a year ago - only to realize, you were not a part of those memories; then desperately trying to remember what we were doing 2 years ago. Straining, begging my mind to remember happier times, precious memories and happy moments.

Time has moved on and you’ve missed so much life that I’ve lived. Yet, in the midst of the hard – there has been good.  Lots of good! You’d be so proud of the person I’m learning to become - without you. I’m stepping out and being used in ways I never imagined. I'm stronger because of the journey I've been asked to walk, and I view life so differently as well. I’ve also seen the faithfulness of God in such tangible ways as he moment by moments reminds me that my story of loss and grief is not meant to harm me – but to deepen and grow my faith in him.

There have been times when I’ve begged God to take this cup from me.  I’ve pleaded my case, telling him I’ve carried this long and far enough. Some days my mind tells me I can’t do this one more day - and each time, Jesus gently reminds me there is purpose in my pain, and I must choose to process my grief through Jesus’ love rather than through the lens of my broken heart. And that can only be done through my surrendering completely to him.

Learning to live beautifully broken, trusting enough in HIM so that I can surrender ALL to have his perfect plan fulfilled.  I’m finding that in my brokenness – in my willingness to have every hope and dream shattered – Jesus’ sweet grace covers me as I lay my heart at his feet – knowing HE will rebuild what has been broken and shattered, creating a beautiful tapestry from the ashes I hold in my hands. 

I’m learning first hand the importance of the ‘refiners fire - and through the process HE’S never takes his eyes off of me. Through the intense heat - through the striping away of everything I’ve ever known - he’s purifying me  - and HIS goal is to make me in the image of himself so that in all I do - in all that I say, a reflection of my Heavenly Father is seen, heard and spilling out of me.  

Is the process hard?  YES!! Is the process painful? Absolutely!  Does the process seem long? Excruciatingly! Yet, as I continue in the fire - my eyes have become so accustom to keeping a steady gaze and focus on HIM, knowing I’ve made it through my worst day with HIM by my side - and I have a deep knowing that only good can come from this process!

The process of waiting.  Something so sacred - so holy has been stirred and is happening in my waiting - in my stillness; as long as my stance shifts from trying to hurry through the process - to resting, waiting, listening, and leaning into HIM. Patiently seeking his heart - where peace and clarity are found.  In my stillness - One on one with Jesus  I’m learning from whom my help comes from and as I lean ONLY into him, my healing happens.

Death doesn’t win!! Eternity does and it's my hope and promise for my future.  My prayer continues to be that I run this race in a manner that brings honor to you – and to Jesus. 

Daily - sometimes moment by moment I rest in Psalms 32:8 which promised me this:

"I will guide you along the best pathways for your life.”   

Thankful for this promise - and the promise of eternity -together - forever! 💗 

We are defined - by what we carry

Putting pen to paper, writing out what my heart has been processing - an expression of the season I'm currently walking thru has been a daily practice for me.  A passageway to freedom and wholeness that is SO holy - SO sacred as I continue to navigate the hard, the everyday life alone, purposefully and intentionally leaning into HIM.

As I continue to seek HIM with every breath I breathe I’m propelled towards Jesus with a yearning and longing to know him more - in ways I’ve never experienced or known.  As I lean in, HE continues to do hard things which have been forever chiseled tenderly - deeply within my heart...leaving crevasses as a reminder - an imprint that Jesus has been their doing the hard, amazing, freeing work within. Scars of sort - leaving a reminder that healing is taking place.

Recently Andrew (my son) and I were talking about two terms that I've heard/been asked about and wrestled with as I continue to navigate every twist and turn known as grief.  I’ve often found that those peering in from the outside offer unsolicited opinions about how my grief should look and be walked out.  It’s easy to peer into ones life, voice opinions, and offer words and opinions - trying to speak into a world many have never walked thru. All well meaning, yet words and opinions that often add to an already tender heart that continues to navigate loss and grief.

There’s a tension between: 

Moving on and Moving forwards

Some feel I’ve  ‘moved on’.....to quickly!  Thru the outside lens it may appear that I’ve made every decision widows are encouraged NOT to do/make within the first year of loss. And, you'd be correct!  Yet, for me - my choices have been life giving.  And although some feel I've moved on - I haven't.  Rather, I'm moving forward.

Moving on from my perspective means - leaving behind and forgetting. Literally drawing a line in the sand so to speak acting as if Tim and our life experiences together never existed. Making the choice to create a new life, never walking thru the hard process of loss and grief choosing to ride off into the sunset - with a messy - unhealed heart. 

Moving on would also require of me to push down and or away the emotions that are conjured up when grief sneaks in. It’s pretending. It’s burying what needs to be cultivated, watered and pruned so beautiful growth can we seen. Moving on would keep me wounded not whole or healed and I'd soon - wound others in my own woundedness.  

We've all met wounded people - who wound people.

Moving forward from my perspective is taking pieces of Tim with me - talking about him - sharing stories that make me laugh until I cry - remembering.  Having a thankful heart for what was and allowing that joy to walk with me as I move forward.   It’s in my honoring Tim - living life as he’d want me too.  It’s consciously moment by moment tucking away all of the love and life lived into the crevasses of my heart and treasuring each and every one of them....forever!  

Moving forward requires that I take loss and grief with me - each step, each day working thru every memory, emotion, loss and feeling so that thru the process - my heart can find healing and wholeness.  

Silence and loneliness have taught me that they are gifts.  Sacred holy gifts that often aren’t what I would naturally strive for.  In fact, in our hurry up culture we constantly strive, try to attain, pushing forward not taking reflective time to step back - to be still allowing the deep hard, issues of the heart to be stirred, moved and changed.

Walking thru loss and grief has stopped me dead in my tracks. (No pun intended!😜) There have been moments where loss and grief have paralyzed me in ways that have forced me to be still - to be quiet - to sit in the silence, the alone and be ok.  

Moving forward as hard and gut wrenchingly difficult as it’s been, has also been an amazing gift - a treasure  that has revealed that in my darkest, loneliest, quiet moments - I’m not alone.  Jesus’ sweet tender voice moment by moment continues to whisper to my heart that - I’m seen - I’m known - I’m loved - and I’m enough!

Losing Tim, the most important person to me - at this stage in my life has rocked my word in unimaginable ways.  The other half of me - the person who knew me better than anyone else - is no longer here. Trying to find new footing - learning a new cadence with every step I take hasn’t been easy!  Some days, it seems near impossible. Yet, as I’ve limped along...somedays crawling to Jesus because I haven't had enough strength to get to him

any other way- I’m learning that HE’S enough! I’m strong - I’m capable - I’m courageous and I’m not afraid! AND...I know Tim would be SO proud of me as I’ve navigated the past 14 months without him.

I’ve heard it said, 

 “We are defined by what we carry.”  

I’ve experienced those who are walking thru grief who carry bitterness and hopelessness. My prayer is that I’m defined as someone who carries grace, hope and the promise that HE is always good, even in the hard. He provides a way of escape and there is ALWAYS purpose in the pain - if I'm willing to allow him to do the hard work within.

Grief - it isn’t a season ...it’s a lifestyle I’m learning to navigate each and everyday!

And I continue to stand on the promise that nothing has been wasted!  God’s sovereign plan for Tim was fulfilled and he lived 56 years - 3 months and 8 days.  The exact amount of days God planned for his life since the beginning of time. He will never be forgotten! So much of who he is has been printed and etched on every piece of who I am. I will not spend my time allowing my grief to hold me captive; instead, I’m picking up the pieces of my life and heart - and moving forward - wherever Jesus leads and guides me, knowing HE has a perfect plan and there will be beauty from my ashes. 🙏🏻🙌🏻☀️

He turns tides

I believe God orders my every step - my coming my going - leading me moment by moment - having encounters and conversations that speak to my heart. In these moments, Jesus reminds me that "he sees me - he love me - and he's making a way.

I often find myself reflecting in amazement the ways the Lord encourages my heart - thru people, circumstances - opportunities - his word - worship and prayer.  He continues to remind me that my battle - grief and loss - are not mine to fight but his - and he will turn the tide - he will turn my mourning into dancing and my sorrow into joy. For he is my only hope - my 'tide turner' and I must be willing to step out into the deep - into the unknown - faithfully trusting him.

As I've spent time in his word my heart has been so encouraged that in my brokenness - many examples can be seen throughout scriptures who have faced unimaginable situations and circumstance. Yet,  in their trials HE remained near to each of them and

He turned the tides 

Noah - the Lord instructed him to build an ark. He followed in faith - knowing God has a perfect plan. In the act of obedience, Noah and his family were spared.  He turns tides.

David - the Lord had been with him wherever he went.  In the hard, tough seasons he was never alone. The Lord took him from tending sheep - to ruling over the people of Israel. He turns tides.

Jehospaphat - the Lord instructed him to not be afraid. He told him he didn't need to fight his battle - he instructed him to take his position - stand still and watch.  He turns tides.

Haggai - the people of Judah listened to Haggai's message to rebuild the temple.  Their physical act indicated a shift in their spiritual lives and their latter days were greater than their former.  He turns tides.

Job - he lost everything - yet God vindicated him - restored him - he was blessed with a double portion of what he had had formerly. He turns tides.

Ruth - she was met with grief and heartache - a widow.  She moved with her mother-in-law - followed what God had placed in her heart - into an unknown land - thru the dessert to Bethlehem. He turns tides.

Hagar - abandoned by her family in the wilderness alone with her son. She was questioning, wondering - lost in her despair asking if anyone care?  God promised he would be the glory in her midst - a ring of fire around her. He turns tides.

Joseph -sold into slavery - falsely accused, thrown into prison. Joseph eventually understood what God was doing thru all the disaster and evil.  They meant it for evil - BUT God meant it for good.  He turns tides.

David -  he was alone - terrified - and hiding in the dessert. Full of despair thinking his life was over and that God didn't care.  God promised to be the rock of his salvation - and hold him up by his right hand.  And in the hour of his deepest need..he'd find God.  He turns tides.


Reading and studying those who've gone before, my heart finds much comfort, peace and a knowing that he will do it again.  The promises fulfilled in the past - will be fulfilled today - and just like many before me - I'm going to see a VICTORY - because my battle is not mine - it's HIS.  And in my seeking, he's making a way....he's turning tides!

This song by Elevation worship speaks to HIS promise...and I know how my story ends!!

See A Victory

The weapon may be formed but it won’t prosper

When the darkness falls it won’t prevail

Cause the God I serve knows only how to triumph

My God will never fail

My God will never fail 

I’m gonna see a victory

I’m gonna see a victory

For the battle belongs to You Lord

I’m gonna see a victory

I’m gonna see a victory

For the battle belongs to You Lord

There’s power in the mighty name of Jesus

Every war He wages He will win

I’m not backing down from any giant

I know how this story ends

I know how this story ends 

You take what the enemy meant for evil

And You turn it for good

You turn it for good

July 12th, 2019 - - good-bye for now....

Tim,
One year -365 days - 8,760 hours - 525,600 minutes - 31,536,000 seconds I’ve navigated life without you.  I so miss our morning breakfasts together, our date nights EVERY Friday night, and our Saturday Starbucks runs.  I also miss your sense of humor, your favorite phrases, our night time conversations, holding your hand each night as I'd fall to sleep, your encouragement, your voice, your wink - - the twinkle in your eyes, your laugh....and how you knew me better than anyone and you knew how to reach deep into my heart and help me navigate life. You truly were my best friend and I'm finding that in my living and remembering - my hearts greatest joy is knowing I’m one year closer to seeing you again - and I find myself thinking about and longing for eternity and heaven more than I ever have!

I’ve been SO richly blessed by your precious finger and foot prints that you’ve lovingly, thoughtfully, carefully, prayerfully and tenderly etched in and throughout every corner of my life and heart. In fact - even in your death your legacy continues to impact me in powerful ways; a forever reminder...of how truly loved - blessed - treasured - cared for and honored I was. What an amazing gift you were/are to me...to our family! 

With each passing day, I’m also seeing the precious finger and foot prints of Jesus as he’s walked with me - wept with me - rejoiced with me - provided rain to my parched soul - provided sunrises from my darkest nights - and beautiful sunsets on my hardest days  He’s been my closest companion when I've felt alone - - and he's brought comfort and joy to my weary heart. He’s carried me when I felt I could not take ONE - MORE - step - and he continues to minister precious healing balm to my heart and soul. 

I’m so very THANKFUL for the gift of Jesus and his great sacrifice which solidifies my hope in eternity.  And, because of his GIFT I’m reminded that I’m simply passing thru this life which is like a vapor - resting in the promise of knowing where I will spend eternity.  

As I continue taking one step at a time - putting one foot in front of the other I’m finding great peace in knowing God has a perfect plan, and I can ‘rest’ in the waiting - knowing he does his best work in my heart during the seasons of the unknown. 

As I celebrate - - honor - - and remember you - - I'll keep looking for the good - - the joy - - the  laughter, and I'll be standing at the gate - - eye's fixed towards heaven - - waiting.......knowing his return is soon.  And in the waiting, I know I'm not alone....

I'll love you - - forever........and I'll carry you in my heart forever...until eternity.💗

I Am Not Alone

When I walk through deep waters

I know that You will be with me

When I'm standing in the fire

I will not be overcome

Through the valley of the shadow

I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

In the midst of deep sorrow

I see Your light is breaking through

The dark of night will not overtake me

I am pressing into You

Lord, You fight my every battle

Oh, and I will not fear

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

I am not alone

I am not alone

You will go before me

You will never leave me

You amaze me

Redeem me

You call me as Your own

You amaze me

Redeem me

You call me as Your own

You're my strength

You're my…