Beautifully Broken

458 days - 15 months since I said my hardest good-bye to you.  I remember walking down that long hospital hallway, leaving you behind -  knowing in the depth of my being that nothing in my life would ever be the same; and although I miss you with ever fiber of my being, and for selfish reasons I wish you were still here - Jesus has been so faithful & close to my broken heart.

As I move forward, my heart and mind continue to wrestle with much tension – being pulled between longing to go back – yet knowing the only way forward is through.

Tension between losing you and giving up all of our hopes and dreams - and then wrestling with knowing I must continue pressing forward - intentionally taking steps into all Jesus has for me.

Tension between memories and remembering our final days together - and then, not feeling guilty when my mind forgets to remember.  I’m learning that forgetting is all part of the healing process – slowly forgetting - allowing time, and his healing power to free me from feeling the need to relive every detail of our final 4 days together - every single week. Yet, at times longing to remember – feeling guilty when I don’t - and worrying that one day the memories will forever slip away - fearful of losing them, because they are all I have left of my time with you. 

Tension in thinking back and remembering what I was doing a year ago - only to realize, you were not a part of those memories; then desperately trying to remember what we were doing 2 years ago. Straining, begging my mind to remember happier times, precious memories and happy moments.

Time has moved on and you’ve missed so much life that I’ve lived. Yet, in the midst of the hard – there has been good.  Lots of good! You’d be so proud of the person I’m learning to become - without you. I’m stepping out and being used in ways I never imagined. I'm stronger because of the journey I've been asked to walk, and I view life so differently as well. I’ve also seen the faithfulness of God in such tangible ways as he moment by moments reminds me that my story of loss and grief is not meant to harm me – but to deepen and grow my faith in him.

There have been times when I’ve begged God to take this cup from me.  I’ve pleaded my case, telling him I’ve carried this long and far enough. Some days my mind tells me I can’t do this one more day - and each time, Jesus gently reminds me there is purpose in my pain, and I must choose to process my grief through Jesus’ love rather than through the lens of my broken heart. And that can only be done through my surrendering completely to him.

Learning to live beautifully broken, trusting enough in HIM so that I can surrender ALL to have his perfect plan fulfilled.  I’m finding that in my brokenness – in my willingness to have every hope and dream shattered – Jesus’ sweet grace covers me as I lay my heart at his feet – knowing HE will rebuild what has been broken and shattered, creating a beautiful tapestry from the ashes I hold in my hands. 

I’m learning first hand the importance of the ‘refiners fire - and through the process HE’S never takes his eyes off of me. Through the intense heat - through the striping away of everything I’ve ever known - he’s purifying me  - and HIS goal is to make me in the image of himself so that in all I do - in all that I say, a reflection of my Heavenly Father is seen, heard and spilling out of me.  

Is the process hard?  YES!! Is the process painful? Absolutely!  Does the process seem long? Excruciatingly! Yet, as I continue in the fire - my eyes have become so accustom to keeping a steady gaze and focus on HIM, knowing I’ve made it through my worst day with HIM by my side - and I have a deep knowing that only good can come from this process!

The process of waiting.  Something so sacred - so holy has been stirred and is happening in my waiting - in my stillness; as long as my stance shifts from trying to hurry through the process - to resting, waiting, listening, and leaning into HIM. Patiently seeking his heart - where peace and clarity are found.  In my stillness - One on one with Jesus  I’m learning from whom my help comes from and as I lean ONLY into him, my healing happens.

Death doesn’t win!! Eternity does and it's my hope and promise for my future.  My prayer continues to be that I run this race in a manner that brings honor to you – and to Jesus. 

Daily - sometimes moment by moment I rest in Psalms 32:8 which promised me this:

"I will guide you along the best pathways for your life.”   

Thankful for this promise - and the promise of eternity -together - forever! 💗 

The God Who Sees.......

Today, marks 9 months/274 days since I've said good-bye.  Somedays it seems as thou you've been gone --- forever, other's ---like it was just yesterday that I held your hand and kissed your cheek for the last time. Then there are moments when I think of you and my heart has a knowing -- a longing --- a sweet, gentle reminder that I'm one day closer to eternity, and that thought brings much joy and comfort to my heart.

As we enter the Palm Sunday weekend, followed by Good Friday and Easter my heart has been so in-tune with the path Jesus walked, knowing that he would be giving up his life - - in order for you and I to have eternal life so that we could truly live. What a gift....the gift of his shed blood  'sealing' our eternity thru the gift of salvation. And thru Jesus' great sacrifice, I find  such comfort knowing that Tim's greatest hope...is now his reality and he will be celebrating his 1st Easter with Jesus rejoicing in HIS presence.

Walking these past months God has tenderly been speaking to and working in my heart reminding me....that HE knows --  HE understands -- and HE cares better than anyone the pain, agony, depth of loss, grief and sadness I'm feeling and walking thru, as HE gave his only son--Jesus. I've experienced a shift in my heart each time I take communion having a deeper level of understanding of what Jesus' death on the cross completed for me.  His body --- his blood -----such a sacred, holy, powerful gift.

Trying to image what the disciples, Mary Jesus' mother and Mary Magdalene experienced -- thru their heartache and despair...as Jesus carried the cross and then died----has caused me much brokenness and thankfulness as I process his sacrifice. His gift --- His promise --- His hope --- his reminder that he's making a way for me not only IN my wilderness and brokenness - -  but thru them.

Elisabeth Elliot said,

"---the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by his letting us have our way in the end, but by his making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly pray what he taught his disciples to pray: Thy will be done."

In the deep valleys, and season I'm walking thru...my heart firmly says,  'Thy will be done!" In my stance I declare that I'll choose God's will to be done in and thru me  EVERY TIME----for I truly stand on his promises that he has a perfect plan for me -----Tim's passing away was not a mistake ----- but part of HIS sovereign plan ----- from the beginning of time - - and I must lay down any thought that says, if only I had more faith--or if only I had prayed more - - God would have spared his life.  God has and will always have the final say, and I MUST rest and trust in his perfect plan.

The song--- The God Who Sees has been healing balm to me as the lyrics walk thru the story of many in the Bible. Thru each of their wilderness experience, it brought them to their knees....and in the depth of their pain, God met them and lifted them up --- leading them to their next. Their hardships were all part of God's plan, not to destroy them, BUT to birth a promise --- a new beginning and the perfect plan ultimately lead them each to the Promise Land -- to Jesus. And the promise he had for them ---- is the same promise he has for each of us.

What a great examples to read and know that the God of Hargar, Ruth, David and Mary Magdalene - - - is the same God who sees you and I.  He cares about the wilderness we each find ourselves in, and HE promises that our journey will not destroy us - - - but- - -  will lead us to Jesus.  God's asking each of us, to leave our despair and press into him, because he has a perfect plan -- that is good. (click the link below to watch the video)

My prayer continues to be -- Jesus, even though at times I cannot see what's up ahead or around the next corner----- I will stand with and in faith and I will not cease to believe that you are good; that you are moving and that you are making a way and holding me up.  

You are more than enough for me...because....

You are the God who see's.........ME.

I'm not surviving----I'm gonna make it

Filing our final joint tax return as a couple was the last pieces of paperwork I needed to process as I've navigated the final pieces of 'us'.  Let's be honest, none of us enjoy this process,😝 but for me, I had apprehension as Tim always handled our taxes. Thankfully being the organized person that he was, I found a 2018 tax folder he created with a lot of receipts and info already in it, and because of his 'planning' it made my gathering of info seamless....and I was so thankful for that gift.

When the tax packet from my accountant arrive in the mail this week I was both grateful that the process was over, yet nervous about what the content would hold and reveal.  As I opened the folder which held a lot of life, loss, joy, sadness, grief and comfort that happened in 2018 my heart wasn't prepared as my eyes were immediately drawn to the words which read......

The word "surviving" really struck a cord in my heart....realizing that word held so much wrapped up within its meaning.  To me, the word surviving sounds hopeless, hard, not easily done.  

Webster's definition surviving as:

• continuing to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship
• continuing to live or exist in spite of
• remain alive after the death of
• manage to keep going in difficult circumstances

As always, I find such comfort in God's word so I headed to Psalms 4, which was penned by David. Like David, I'm not going to merely survive...I'm gonna make it because:

• HE has given me relief in my distress
• HE'S been gracious to me and HE hear my prayers
• HE has set me apart....for himself
• HE hears when I call to him
• I daily can put my trust in him
• HE puts joy in my heart
• in peace I will both lie down and sleep
• for HE, makes me dwell in safety

Just like David in his heavy grief and discontent, I can know remarkable peace and my heart can be filled with joy.  Why?  Because at my core....where I believe, trust and rest in Jesus my peace and joy are not based on my circumstances, but on my God...because he rules and reigns over everything. 

When my security is in God, and him alone I'm able to walk in joy, hope and happiness in the midst of my deepest grief just as I can when my life seems to be moving in the good, happy, joyful moments.

The word surviving sounds so hard-----so I'm choosing to grow, to press in and  thru...and not surviving....but make it.  

As I walk out this new season HE remains my anchor, my guide, and an ever present help....and, because of HIS promises...I'm going to make it....I'm going to continue to overcome....I'm going to win...and I'll continue to strive to walk in GRACE!

The words of this song have truly spoken such hope and peace....BECAUSE I'm more than going to make it...because of WHO he is...I'll WIN!!

More Than Gonna Make It

Truth is I've known my share of heartache

How deeply I have felt the crushing loss

I've stood so many times out on the edges and ledges

Wrestled with the darkest kind of thought

But even then, He was good

Even then, I understood...

I'm more than gonna make it

I'm more than gonna live

I'm more than just surviving

'Cause of who He is I win

I'm more than overcoming

Oh I wear a crown of grace

And this world can never take it

Let the hard times hear me say it

I'm more than gonna make it

I'll make it, I'll make it

From where I stand now there's no question

I've never been forsaken or alone

The God who calms the waves out on the ocean has spoken

And that's enough to keep me moving on

I'm more than gonna make it

I'm more than gonna live

I'm more than just surviving

'Cause of who He is I win

I'm more than overcoming

Oh I wear a crown of grace

And this world can never take it

Let the hard times hear me say it

I'm more than gonna make it

I'll make it, I'll make it