New Year

As I walk into 2019 my heart has been reflective on all that 2018 held.  Within those 365 days I experienced hope, joy, adventure, the birth of 2 precious grand babies, amazing family times, and a loss that has impacted my life in the most profound way ever imagined. I'm also keenly aware that a new year will be something I will face without Tim....and in some ways, it makes my heart sad to leave 2018 as it has held ALL of my final memories with him. 😢💔  Yet, it's in my saying good-bye to the familiar, Jesus continues to stand at every corner reminding me that HE is enough, and that he will continue to walk with me into this unknown road set before me.

One of my favorite pictures from 2018 was taken while we visiting Ashley's family in Charlotte last May to meet baby Judah.  It was extremely hot and humid....and Papa had just taken the girls out to buy them each a new toy.  Norah picked out a splash pad table for the backyard....and Aviyah a new bike.  The first time Aviyah went out on her bike she was so nervous and scarred that she'd fall.  In the midst of her fears, Papa....walked along side of her holding her hand, encouraged her that she'd be ok...and he was right there along side of her and he'd make sure she wouldn't fall.  This image provides such comfort and an amazing image to me of how Jesus is walking with each one of us.  We are walking an unknown path...one that could leave us nervous and scarred.  Yet, in the midst of our journey, Jesus ever so sweetly grips our hand, walks along side of us and whispers in our ear...you are going to be ok.

It's been in the ebb and flow of amazing highs....and the deepest lows that my faith has remained firmly rooted in Jesus. His love and comfort have been constant.  Some might think 2018 would be labeled as the worst year of my life; yet, in the midst of the hard, I've experienced much good.  Yes, I've experience gut wrenching devastation, but it's been thru the devastation my faith has carried me, and I've found amazing comfort and peace.

I've said this often and I still firmly believe that my choosing to focus on a heart of gratitude has been key to navigating my loss. My decision back on July 10th, 2018 while standing next to Tim's hospital bedside still holds true today---for it's in my drawing a line in the sand declaring that I will walk this out in a way that honor's Jesus and Tim---and it's been in my seeking HIM---Jesus has given me so much grace while I walk out this journey.

The hard from 2018 will provide me the momentum I need to move forward into 2019, if..and only IF I allow the hard to stir within me what Jesus wants to cultivate in and thru my life and heart.  There WILL be miracles -- and I know that even when Jesus doesn't rescue me from my situation -- he visits me in my trouble, and I believe that my past experiences promise me that he WILL take care of me and I CAN trust him.

Deuteronomy 31:8 promises that the Lord himself will go before me.  'Going before me' means, he's already worked out the end of my story, and I'm promised a good ending. He promises that he will redeem my trails and make beauty from the ashes of my life.  And it's in these promises I'm thanking HIM for how he's leading, guiding, protecting, and going before me.

In the depth of such a great loss, pain and loneliness I've experience since losing Tim, I've been met by a depth of love, comfort, and intimacy with Jesus that has felt tangible.  No one can ever image what it's like to lose a spouse until you walk this road. Yet, it's been in this loss Jesus has been so faithful, comforting and loving.  This thought from Nathan Edwardson has spoken healing balm to my heart and soul:

"Often times, we do everything in our own power to avoid the pain and suffering in our lives, some of us fake it; others medicate it. And yet, there's an encounter with God only found in suffering, a love experienced in the pain, a song written from the depths, an intimacy with God unveiled and known only in the dark night of the soul.  There's nothing quite like suffering to bring us face to face with God." 

Jesus has been teaching me that there are always BLESSINGS to be found in the midst of trials.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says,

"ALWAYS be joyful.  Never stop praying. Be THANKFUL in ALL circumstances, for this is God's WILL for you who belong to him."

There's nothing magical about suffering or loss that makes one a better person....however, the words of Elisabeth Kugler-Ross penned suffering/loss in a powerful way,

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen."

My prayer as I walk into 2019 is that thru my loss, grief, trials--I continue to press in to Jesus so he is seen in and thru me.  For it's in my trials, JESUS can and will be glorified. My eyes are fixed on the sunrise and I know Jesus will continue to write a story of HOPE in and thru me.

2019, I'm looking forward to you...and with each day/year that passes, I'm ONE day/year closer to seeing Jesus, and Tim!  What a hope and promise that is!! As I walk into 2019...courage will be my close companion as I learn to step out in FAITH and follow hard after Jesus! And I'm able to do this because I know...Nobody Loves me...like my JESUS!!

Nobody Loves Me Like You