Mile marker Six

Today, I've reached the 6 month mile marker since losing Tim, and as I reflect on my journey I do so with sweet memories mixed with sadness and joy.  There are days it seems like he is still here...others, the reality sinks in that he's really gone, and never coming home. I miss his voice, his sense of humor, his little thumbs up sign, how he would say...'the chicken's in the pot'...when he had good news he couldn't wait to share, or how he'd say....'dud'!!  I miss his daily text messages that would make me laugh until I cried, his wisdom (I always teased him that he would make the BEST girlfriend...because he had a gift of listening) how he daily reinforced in me how much I was loved, treasured, cherished and mostly, his daily prayers for and over me.  And, he ended every card/note he ever wrote me we with these words: "you are my sugar...in a world of salt!" 😍

As 2018 was drawing to a close and the New Year approached, God began to 'shift' and 'stir' much in my heart and life; and I've found myself reflecting on much as I begin to pick up the pieces and build a life without Tim.  It's been in the reflecting my mind has been wrestling with what my heart knows to be true.  There has been a great tension in believing if I was good enough, if I prayed hard enough, if I read the word enough...then God would ________________ fill in the blank; and the knowing that God didn't act or move based on my performance.

It's been in my praying, my questioning and my wrestling with God my thoughts are aligning with what my heart knows to be true.....

"there is only one portal to acceptance with God - - - the righteousness of Christ." 

The past months this truth has been opening my eyes and for the first time I'm finding freedom in walking in the BLESSING of knowing:

my striving....

my performing........

my checking a box..........

my being perfect........

or my goodness are not the keys to Jesus leading, guiding and directing my steps. Nor does HE expects them from me.

I no longer belief in my mind the lie that:

if I prayed hard enough.....

if I'm in the word enough.........

if my actions are perfect THEN, Jesus will reveal and lead me into my next.

This thought process has had my mind on a continue reel trying to figure out what I needed to do next, where I needed to go or where I needed to look to find HIS perfect plan for me.  Although I've not felt 'fearful', I believe my striving, my performance and my perfection have been rooted in fear, as  fear has many tentacles and it finds a way to affect different areas of my life, in many different ways.

Today, I'm finding great freedom in the realization that HE has a perfect plan for me because of who HE is.  And in the middle of my ashes, hope rises.

He's bidding me to:

sit........

rest..........

and BE......

I'm confident that in my sitting, my resting and my being my next will intersect with his perfect plan for my life...as I continue to seek him.  And in this season I'm finding amazing nuggets of truth and great treasures that HE is etching on my heart:

1. My greatest strength in his presence.  His word, prayer, fellowship with him and my church are my greatest connection to his presence.

2. God is the only one who can help me stand up and recover----so I'm leaning in.

3. Tim is gone.......forever.  BUT,  Jesus has not left me!!  He remains and HE will complete his work in me. John 13:7

4. I'm NOT asking 'why'?  I'll never fully understand God's plan/decision this side of heaven and I know I have to be OK with that.

5. I will NOT CHOOSE bitterness----because bitterness is a choice.  I drew a line in the sand 6 months ago that I would NOT allow bitterness in my heart.  And, I'm still choosing to allow HIM to use my loss and my grief to make Jesus seen and known in and thru me.  Tim often talked about Hebrews 12:15 which says, "let no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defiles many."  He saw first hand how bitterness in someones life could defile many...and he always taught our family to CHOOSE grace, love, hope, and joy!

Of this I know to be true...GOD'S plans for me cannot be thwarted!  He's writing a new chapter in my life verses a plan B.  I believe having a plan B would indicate God's plan A for my life didn't go as HE planned so he needs to scramble to come up with plan B.  My heart is resting in the knowing that as one chapter of my life came to an end on July 12th, 2018 I began to walk forward knowing my next chapter would be good, and I'm choosing JOY with each step I take!

God's got this......and HE will be faithful to complete his amazing plan for my life. (Phil 1:6) So with arms outstretched....I'm stand on the promise that I know HE is the God of miracles, he is faithful, his word is true, and nothing is impossible with him.  And because of who HE is, I'm able to put one foot in front of the other as he leads me into a new chapter.  And.....I know that as much as Tim loved me........Jesus loves me more.🙏🙌

Click the link below to hear.....

God of Miracles

Let faith arise in spite of what I see

Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief

I choose to trust You

No matter what I feel, let faith arise...

Let faith arise...

For my champion's not dead

He is alive...

Oh, and He already knows my every need

Surely, He will come and rescue me

God of miracles come...

We need Your supernatural love

To break through

Nothing's impossible...

You're the God of miracles...

Let faith arise...

And see the kingdom come

I lift my eyes...

Oh, for the battle has been won

My God is faithful...

Oh, and every single word He said is true, o-oh

God of Miracles come...

We need Your supernatural love

To break through

Nothing's impossible...

You're the God of Miracles, o-oh

This world is shaking but You cannot be shaken

My heart is breaking but I'm not broken yet

Your love is fearless...

Help me to be courageous too

Oh, there nothing impossible...