Death doesn't win....

I knew that celebrating your birthday would be difficult, yet nothing prepared me for how my heart would feel.  The eve of your birthday truly was the most difficult valley I've walked thru since losing you. I can't help but feel it was because your birthday...is a day...all about you, where other milestones have involved all of us.

My parents instilled in me the 'gift' of celebrating family on their birthday, and my mom made sure everyones birthday was a big deal - we celebrated hard - and we carried on that tradition with our kids and grandkids, so today...not knowing how to navigate your birthday added additional grief to the process.

My heart is thankful that we had a 'plan' for how we wanted to spend our day...and we found laughter, in the midst of the sadness.

I wanted to start a tradition with the grandkids that would honor you each year on this your birthday so we picked up balloon so we each could write you a note, attach them to the balloon and send them to heaven....to you.

After picking up the balloons....the tension between my plans and my wishes....collided with the sovereign plan of God.

As we headed back to Andrew's my mind declared:

"it's NOT supposed to be this way!!" 

We aren't supposed to be buying balloons, writing notes and letting them go to heaven. You should be here with us celebrating your 57th birthday, and we should have at last 30 more years together.

Then my heart....gently whispered......

"everything is...as it should be!"

And in that moment my heart once again knew that you being in heaven IS Gods perfect sovereign plan. I may not ever fully understand it. I would never have chosen this...but I know his ways are not mine....and even in the hard, I WILL declare...that God is STILL good. I believe that HIS plan is perfect.....and what I'm walking thru is NOT meant to harm me...BUT it will cultivate a work in my heart that will lead me to my next. And as I wait, I'm pressing in to Jesus...asking him to give me a new vision and version...of how my life will and should look, now that I'm walking this road without you. 

And, I continue to draw a hard line in the sand believing that what I'm going through will produce a harvest....and that pruning is necessary.....and what looks hard/bad today will lead to growth as I moment by moment press into Jesus. There's no turning back....there's no rewinding time....there are no do overs, so my eye's are fixed on Jesus knowing his plan out ways anything I could hope for. 

We gathered together - we wrote you notes - the kids colored pictures - and we released the balloon to heaven - to you - HONORING you today...for the amazing husband, father, and papa that you are.  And we will carry on your legacy of faith each and every day.  

As I close out this day....my heart rejoices that I've experienced sorrow mixed with great joy, weeping wrapped in happiness, grief walking hand in hand with hope, tears turned to laughter and the sweetest peace that passes all understanding that I never knew I could or would experience.  With each step I take Jesus continues to be my portion ----and he's moment by moment holding me up by his right hand---and I'm leaning in, gripping his hand tighter than ever before.  And, my hearts anthem continues to be---"Let My Life Tell of Who Jesus Is!"

Until forever.......all my love....

Me💗

xoxo