May 12th represents mile marker 10 - - 10 months since I had to say good-bye, and as we are entering Mother's Day weekend I've pondered much this year - - - and I'm so thankful for the gift Tim gave me last Mother's Day.
He was a gifted writer....and every Mother's Day he penned beautiful words in cards to express how thankful he was for me...and how blessed our children were to have me as a mom. Last year, he didn't give me a card - - -instead he sent me a LONG text message. I remember asking him why he chose a text instead of card?
I remember his response so clearly - - -
'this year, I felt I needed to send you my thoughts via text so you could always have them with you.....on your phone...so you could pull it up and reread the text as often as you wanted to.'
Little did either of us know the power of those words and how many times I would read, and reread them over the past 10 months. Another example of my remembering - - -which causes my heart to reflect and hold much thankfulness in the midst of the hard.
In my remembering - - - - -my heart is encouraged as I ponder what God has done in my past, and how he has ALWAYS carried me.
He was a gifted writer....and every Mother's Day he penned beautiful words in cards to express how thankful he was for me...and how blessed our children were to have me as a mom. Last year, he didn't give me a card - - -instead he sent me a LONG text message. I remember asking him why he chose a text instead of card?
I remember his response so clearly - - -
'this year, I felt I needed to send you my thoughts via text so you could always have them with you.....on your phone...so you could pull it up and reread the text as often as you wanted to.'
Little did either of us know the power of those words and how many times I would read, and reread them over the past 10 months. Another example of my remembering - - -which causes my heart to reflect and hold much thankfulness in the midst of the hard.
In my remembering - - - - -my heart is encouraged as I ponder what God has done in my past, and how he has ALWAYS carried me.
In the midst of my moments - - - -my minute by minute - - - in the middle of my nowhere - - - -in the days of my questioning, God continues to meet me. Remembering that Jesus was with me in my darkest hours the night Tim collapsed - - -remembering that Jesus was with me as I made the difficult decision to stop life support - - - - remembering Jesus was with me and continues to be in each place I’ve been - - - -and wherever I go.
In the middle of my grief - - - he has always shown up - - - -even when it’s felt like everything was falling apart and I felt alone. He has been and will always prove himself faithful to me. He is my very present help in the day(s) of my trouble - - - -and his presence in my life is often tangible as I continue to learn into him - - - - remembering his faithfulness. For it’s in my remembering - - -my heart finds much JOY in knowing he’s brought me thru in the past, an he will do it again.
In the middle of my grief - - - he has always shown up - - - -even when it’s felt like everything was falling apart and I felt alone. He has been and will always prove himself faithful to me. He is my very present help in the day(s) of my trouble - - - -and his presence in my life is often tangible as I continue to learn into him - - - - remembering his faithfulness. For it’s in my remembering - - -my heart finds much JOY in knowing he’s brought me thru in the past, an he will do it again.
As I remember, I'm also praying, resting, seeking and watch for God’s revelation for my life. Ten months ago all of our dreams, hopes and plans (this side of heaven) changed in an instant resulting in a pivot I wasn't sure how to navigate, nor if I'd survive. Knowing the hopes and dreams we had planned - - - would no longer be fulfilled were at times crushing. Yet, in the weeks and months since my loss - - -my perspective on life and eternity have shifted in ways I never knew were possible. Loss and grief have shifted EVERY aspect of my life, my heart, my mind and my soul. I have a greater eternal perspective - - -and I long for and my thoughts are intently focused on heaven. And as I watch and wait for God’ s perfect plan for my life I often reflect on what I'm learning as I walk this journey.
- I’m stronger than I ever imagined - - - I never realize the strength I had, until I was put in a situation where I had to do so many hard things. I’m thankful for each decision I made in the early days and weeks following Tim’s death - - -as a fresh start has been key in helping me move forward thru my grief. I'm living, doing the hard things and I know I'll be ok.
- God uses hard things - - - - to prune, grow and strengthen. Thru my grief journey I’ve grown more in the past 10 months than I have in my entire life. I’ve learned so much about God - - -about myself - - - -and because of my growth - - - -I wouldn’t go back if I could. Eternal perspective - - -has so gripped my heart.
- Grief is part of the process - - - -yet I will not camp daily in sadness, loss and grief. I know that Tim would expect me to move forward and chase hard after Jesus. And I know - - - he would be SO proud of me for living, thriving and moving forward - - -knowing he is still a huge part of my life and God will continue his perfect plan in and thru my life.
- My situation and circumstances do not define me - - - I’m a widow - - -but the word widow will not hold me captive to a life lived out in bitterness, sadness, and a longing for my past, or to have Tim back. I will not live ‘stuck’. God is sovereign and his perfect plan for Tim was fulfilled, and everything IS as it should be - - -according to HIS perfect plan!!! God is calling me to continue on fulfilling my purpose until the day he calls me home to heaven.
- My JOY is non-negotiable - - -my joy can only be found in Jesus - - - -not in right/perfect situations/circumstances, or by having people fill a void - - -only Jesus can. We all have those joy-suckers in our life that try to drag us down. I won’t allow anyone to steal my JOY - - -for it’s rooted in Jesus - - - not my situations or my circumstances. And I'm living daily in the promised fulfill that the JOY of the Lord IS my strength!
- Open Doors/Confirmations - - -God is stirring much in my heart and he continues to bring amazing people who have come along side of me offering words of life, hope, encouragement often speaking words that confirm what God has been stirring privately in my heart. God’s up to something - - - so in my waiting - - -I’m living out my life with contentment - - -with an expectancy for what he has in store for me.
As I remember - - -what God has done, and as I wait for his revelations for my next - - -I know that God's Got This - - -and his goodness and love for me remains!! I've learned that in my surrendering - - -waiting - - -when my heart is quiet and still - - -when I'm resting in him and I continue to live from a position of worship, praise - - -reading his work - - -and listening to his still small voice speaking tenderly to my heart - - -letting me know - - -there is purpose in my pain.
HIS goodness is running after me, and he's been SO good to me as he's lead me thru the fire and his FAITHFULNESS will stand!
HIS goodness is running after me, and he's been SO good to me as he's lead me thru the fire and his FAITHFULNESS will stand!
I love You, Lord
For Your mercy never failed me
All my days, I've been held in Your hands
From the moment that I wake up
Until I lay my head
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been faithful
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God
I love Your voice
You have led me through the fire
And in darkest night You are close like no other
I've known You as a Father
I've known You as a Friend
And I have lived in the goodness of God, yeah!
And all my life You have been faithful, oh
And all my life You have been so, so good
And all my life You have been faithful, oh
And all my life You have been so, so good
With every breath that I am able
Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God, yeah!
Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me, oh-oh
'Cause Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
Your goodness is running after, it's running after me
With my life laid down, I'm surrendered now
I give You everything
Cause Your goodness is running after, it keeps running after me
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