It's been 11 months since we said good-bye, and my heart continues to wrestle with much as the 1 year anniversary approaches. The ebb and flow of loss and life are so unpredictable; and as I continue to navigate my day to day - - the analyzer - - the thinker - - the processor in me continues to be drawn to those final days - - July 9th - 12th. Every moment - - every detail held in those final days of Tim's life. Somedays they seem to be on a continual spool in my minds eye - - on repeat, and mental fatigue quickly follows as I have to deliberately shift my thoughts and my focus.
Part of me wishes I could skip over July and land safely in August; yet I know the only path is through...experiencing every step leading to July 9th - 12th. With each step taken I'm preparing my heart and mind, and praying much about the weeks to come. I'm not sure why I've felt more anxious as we approach the 1 year anniversary? Perhaps it's because I've never experienced the first anniversary of the death of my precious husband? Or, maybe it's more about how I think I may or should react to the coming days? Perhaps it stems from some sort of relieve that .....'yes...we've made it' - - one entire year without Tim? Or, it may be that I don't want our family time to be overshadowed with heavy sadness - - (Father' Day approaching adds a layer of grief and anticipation as well) yet I don't want us to pretend those days - - those heart wrenching moments didn't happen.
In the midst of preparing for what's to come, I'm SO thankful that Ashley and her family will be home for a few weeks in July to be with Andrew's family and I as we navigate the unknown that will be held in those days of remembering. When Ashley (or Nachie as Tim called her) booked flights, I'm not sure she realized they'd arrive on July 9th - - exactly 1 year to the day our world changed forever - - the night Tim collapsed. What a 'gift' it will be for me to have her here.
Such a sacred gift for our family to be together to remember - - to honor - - and to celebrate the gift Tim was as a husband, dad and papa.
As I prepare to navigate the weeks to come, my heart continues to remind me of all that the Lord has done in and thru me. The past 11 months have been the hardest.....toughest I've ever faced or had to walked out. Yet, in the midst of the hard they've offered me the gift of quiet - - reflection - - time to think, to ponder, read his word and pray.
With each step - - I continue to see God's hand so clearly in and on my life as I walk out this new journey. I can look back and see and know God was FAITHFUL - - and with much FAITH I can look ahead and know that he is able. Able to carry me - - to sustain me - - to provide a hope and a future - - and lead me not only in the fire - - but through it.
HE has been my constant help - - specifically thru my surrender in 3 key areas. And I know that as I move thru this next month and year two of my grief journey, they will provide what I need as I face each new day:
With each step - - I continue to see God's hand so clearly in and on my life as I walk out this new journey. I can look back and see and know God was FAITHFUL - - and with much FAITH I can look ahead and know that he is able. Able to carry me - - to sustain me - - to provide a hope and a future - - and lead me not only in the fire - - but through it.
HE has been my constant help - - specifically thru my surrender in 3 key areas. And I know that as I move thru this next month and year two of my grief journey, they will provide what I need as I face each new day:
- my hands
- my knees
- my heart/mind
My hands- Worship music has always been vital to my life - - moreso since Tim has passed away. I'm daily saturating my mind with worship music knowing that in true worship it's about my choosing to praise HIM and worship him for who he is - - not just for what he can do for me. It's a stance of hands opened, arms raised - - in surrender - - knowing his ways are best and he has a good and perfect plan. I'm finding that in my worship - - he ministers much to my broken heart - - and each day I WILL sing of the goodness of God as he's been FAITHFUL and so...so good to me - - all of my life.
My knees-prayer. My prayer life has grown exponentially. I'm not talking about a one-sided prayer where it's a focus on me, what I want, what I think I need...etc.. Rather it's sitting at his feet - - no agenda - - waiting in the stillness, the quiet....listening for his still small voice to speak to me. Thru prayer, God continues to change my perspective - - giving me eyes and ears to see and hear him clearly. Listening intentionally for his still small voice directing my every step. It's in my waiting - - he's doing the deep hard work.
My heart - applying the Bible, his word...his promises not only to my heart but to my mind/thoughts - - choices - - responses - - and reactions to what I’m walking thru. God has used his word to daily provide the substance I've needed to literally make it thru that day. His word has provided great comfort, joy, peace and a knowing that his plans are perfect. Camping on scripture passages I've read 100's of times, but now, seeing them fresh with new insights.
It is in my surrender - - he's doing his most powerful work in me.
As I press ahead into the coming weeks, I continue to draw that line in the sand - - eyes fixed on HIM - - walking this journey out in a way that honors God - - and Tim!
Kim, I have written this comment and erased it twice. I just don't have the words, but I want to thank you for this post. It touched my heart and was a great help.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, l'm adding you to my prayers.
Connie