July 12th - - after consulting the entire doctor team and understanding there was no possible change of survival, we made the heart wrenching decision to stop all life support measures. 2:19pm Tim's oxygen was turned off and he took his final breathe - - immediately. 2:32pm the staff pronounced him deceased.
In my remembering I find great comfort from the conversation I had with the paramedic's who arrived that awful night....when they returned the day after Tim passed away to gather all of the equipment they had left in their hast to get him to the hospital. They graciously and gently confirmed that had Tim been elderly - - they would have pronounced him DOA. But, because he was young and healthy - - they took drastic measures to try to save him.
As I've read, reread and read again thru hundreds of pages of Tim's medial records - - realizing the massive trauma his body endured as they tried to save him - - I'm at great peace knowing what I felt, saw and experienced during those final moments....were exactly as God planned. Tim never regained consciousness, nor did he ever breathe on his own...after taking his last breathe while I was with him. I'm thankful for the gift of Tim being kept alive on live support - - if for no other reason than for Ashley, Joe, Andrew, Rachel and my parents - - to be able to gather - - pray - - worship and express how much they loved him - - having an opportunity to say good-bye, one last time.
I’ve been told the first year navigating loss and grief would feel like the longest year of my life; but for me, its been the fastest year I’ve ever walked thru. Enduring major change has been key in removing/eliminating elements of ‘remembering/memories’ at every corner and every turn. Yet in the midst, there have been moments of unimaginable heartache, loss and grief that at times has felt so tangible it affected every aspect and part of my life. Often feeling like I'm walking thru a fog so dense, so heavy, so unknown I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see clearly what was up ahead.
I’ve always been a list maker, a ‘check the box’ kind of girl finding great accomplishment thru the act of checking things off of my "to do" list. Grief and loss are tricky as they aren’t accompanied by a list or a ‘check the box’ option to be able to navigate the heavy, crippling, breathless moments, seconds, minutes, hours, days and months that follow. There hasn’t been a road map - - no path to follow. Rather, I’ve had to ride the unending waves of the ebbs and flows of happiness, joy, sadness, tears, sorrow and at times heavy…heavy grief, often at the same time. Choosing in each moment how I would respond and navigate every twist and turn.
Grief has been ever-present from the last moment I held Tim’s hand, kissed him good-bye as I rested my cheek gently on his unshaven face whispering in his ear that it was okay for him to go be with Jesus....assuring him that I would be ok. In that tender moment, I was forever changed and grateful for having had the privilege and honor to hand the hand of my earthly love - - the one God chose for me - - over to the hand of my heavenly Father knowing Tim would spend eternity in heaven with Jesus. Such a sacred moment - - such a sacred gift - - yet one I never imagined I’d be called to do at this stage of my life.
As I’ve walking the road of grief and continue on this journey I’ve reconciled in my heart and mind that grief will always be a close companion. I was told early on that grief has many...many...layers and that it would take a long time to grief every aspect, every detail of our marriage. I've found this to be so true as there are pieces of our life that I now grief that hadn't crossed my mind during the 1st six months of my grief journey. I've learned that there will always be a longing for what could have been, in the midst of resting in what now is, and what is to come. There's a deep, deep understand that most will never know what to do with my grief, or how to step in, or how to simply be there. And it's been in these alone moments, Jesus has been so loving, caring and tender with my heart as I navigate such heavy loss and grief.
There are moments and times when grief and remembering still catch me off guard and often I’m surprised by my reaction. It’s been in my remembering Tim and ALL the happy times - - but also remembering the 3 most difficult days of my life while we ‘waited’ in the hospital. Other times it’s when I see or hear an ambulance - - or visit a hospital, when I hear a loud noise, or when well-meaning people ask or say unimaginable things. I’ve reconciled that grief has lingering effects - - and for me it’s a reminder of how deeply I was loved, cherished and cared for. A deep love - - resulting in deep grief.
I understand in such a profound way that the love Tim and I shared can’t be set aside, it can’t be denied, it can’t be forgotten, nor will I ever forget or 'get over my loss'. As I continue to grow and move forward, the amazing impact Tim made on my life continues to live on in and thru me - - and the depth of our love and life lived will last forever as my heart walks thru the process of tucking away all of my precious memories and moments that we shared. For these memories and moments have shaped me into the person I am today.
I’ve also experienced exponential joy and peace in my life this past year, and I know that only comes from the Lord. And as I receive new mercies EVERY morning, the sorrow...the sadness lessons as I’m reminded I’m one day closer to heaven - - and I have a longing for heaven and eternity like never before. Loss has changed my view of heaven, God and eternity.
I see life, hardship, trials and people differently too. The level of my compassion has grown in ways I never could have imagined. I see need differently, and often I find myself saying, “wow, they are going thru far worse things than me.” And, when I feel lead and prompted to encourage someone thru a text, a call a note...I do...because I know first hand how life giving it is...to know that someone remembers and cares.
I’ve grown personally too. Loss and grief have a way of doing that as well! I’m stronger than I ever imagined - - my faith continues to grow deeper than I knew possible - - for God’s promises have been etched so tenderly and deeply on and in my heart and they’ve been life giving - - life sustaining to and for me.
I believe at the core of my being my growth has been a direct correlation to my faith. My faith continues to be cultivated - - it’s being stretched - - it’s being challenged - - all because of my surrender!! Surrender has asked of me to give up my plans, my desires, my wants and wishes. It’s been in my pivoting - - in my shifting my stance from my hopes, my wishes and my plans to HIS. The sacrifice of my daily surrender- - hands raised - - heart abandoned knowing I cannot take one step more without HIS divine direction.
One year ago, Tim and I had dreams - - plans - - hopes and a vision for how we would grow old together. In an instant - - God revealed his perfect plan not only for Tim - - but for me as well. And in those early moments I made the choice to trust HIS plan, even though they didn’t line up with mine, or make sense. In the still quiet moments my mind has at times questioned ....”why me Lord? Why would you asking me to walk this road, and carry the heavy burden of grief and loss?’ And in my reflection, praying and seeking, my heart continues to hear Jesus' soft, tender sweet voice whisper, in the depth of my heart and soul, ‘why not you?’
One year down the road on this journey I cannot see fully God’s purpose or his plan - - but I'm choosing to trust him - - even in the dark, hard unknown moments. Tim often said he believed our latter days, would be greater than our former. That hope has become Tim's reality - - and I'm tucking those words and God’s promise deep into my heart knowing his promise will be fulfilled in and thru me as well.
God releases his glory thru the broken places - - in the in between - - the passing of time - - it’s all part of his process. And it’s in my pressing in to him I'M growing, developing and going deeper. This continues to happen in the unseen and I have a knowing - - a faith - - that the biggest harvests take the longest to cultivate and grow, and what God is stirring and creating in my heart and life will one day spring forth and it will last for generations to come.
My journey isn’t holding me captive or making me stuck - - nor does my new title "widow" defining me. I know and believe that God has not left me nor abandoned me - - rather, this process is ALL part of his amazing plan and purpose for me. And it’s in the dark seasons God is planning a way of escape for me.
Today and every day I continue to ask HIM to:
- give me eyes to see he’s greater
- courage to believe he’s able
- a knowing that he’s the peace in the fire I’m walking thru
- faith to continue asking for miracles
- a heart and mind that chooses to believe he’s in control
- and strength to rest in the knowing he’s a good - - good - God
comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of HIS splendor
I will not allow my pain and heartache to leave me in an ash heap, full of despair. Rather, I will press in, as hard as it is - - and allow beauty to be created and developed thru my life, thru my story - - and thru my pain. And in the process, my roots in Jesus will grow deeper so that when other look at me, they don't do so in pity - - but with eyes that see an example - - someone who's been thru the fire but came out not smelling like smoke. And, I'll continue to anchor my hope and rest in the knowing - - that he WILL turn my ashes into beauty.
Tim, you've impacted my life in such a profound way for 32 years, and your impact will continue on in and thru me. Thank-you for being the greatest, amazing example of a Godly man, husband, dad and papa. You poured yourself out so willingly always loving, praying, encouraging, sacrificing, honoring and caring for each of us. My prayer is that with each step I take, I leave a trail that honor God and you......on my journey towards heaven.
I'll love you forever - - until eternity! 💗
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