The tension between what was - - and what is

While walking through loss and grief, much wrestling has taken place in the depths of my heart, soul and mind as I continue to process such agonizing change.

Death is so final.  There's no going back - only moving forward. And in the midst of taking steps my heart continues to find comfort in that I wouldn't go back to life as I once knew it....even if I could. Let me explain that thought from my perspective.

The moment my precious husband slipped through the veil into the presence of our holy, majestic Savior - - I knew that he would never chose to come back, even if he could.  Although Tim loved me with his entire heart - meeting Jesus face to face - - would wipe away any longing to be here with me as his greatest hearts desire of being in heaven, with Jesus was now fulfilled.

In Tim's death I'm choosing to believe it's a win/win for both of us.  He's won because he's experiencing eternal life with Jesus.  He's won - because God's most perfect, sovereign plan for his life was fulfilled and it was time for him to meet Jesus face to face. 

I'm winning, because as I walk thru loss and grief, eternity and the promise of heaven has been chiseled ever SO deeply within my heart.  My stance has changed.  My focus has changed.  My hopes and dreams have changed. I've changed.  I respond differently to those in need. My level of compassion and care has been stretched. I view and look at life SO differently. And, in the midst of it all - I continue to see God's unfailing faithfulness to me and my heart.

I've grown in my understanding of God's sovereign plan in and for my life. He allows nothing into my life to harm me - but rather - if I'm willing to dig in - do the hard work which transforms my life - the hard is worth it all as it leads me to seeing his perfect plan.

Each day, as I walk through the fire and through the waters - he's proven that he will never let me go.  He moment by moment gently continues to whisper in my ear.- you've got this - you can do it - keep gripping my hand - I'll never leave your nor forsake you - you are not alone.

I'm so thankful that HE knows how my story ends - and in the in-between - in the tension of what was and what is to come I can rest in knowing he's writing a beautiful story. He promises beauty from ashes and until I fully see the beauty - I'll continue to press in allowing him to do the hard, cultivating, work that will ultimately lead me to my greatest hope and longing - eternity FOREVER!

Pondering's from a widows heart......

Soon I’ll reach the 20 month mile marker since Tim met Jesus, and with each passing day I continue to see God’s goodness in my life. Yet, my heart continues to wrestle with much learning that even in the hard God has always had a perfect plan for my life.  Have I always liked his plan?  No!  Have I often tried to find my own path? Yes!  Yet, though the valley of the shadow of death - I’m learning that HE will never leave me - that he’s always doing the best thing for me and if I knew the beginning from the end - I’d choose exactly what he’s doing in and through me.  So in faith - I have to trust - I have to believe he's creating a beautiful tapestry from my life. 

I’m a word picture type of person and as I process what I’m walking through I can’t help but visualize my life in a boat out on the ocean.  July 8th Tim and I were enjoying life - dreaming - planning - and looking forward to so many things. We were happy and sailing through life.  July 9th, our life - our boat capsized miles and miles from shore and as I soon began to tread water, I realized I was alone and I couldn’t find my way to the safety of the shore - to the shallow water where I could touch bottom - find my footing - being confident that I’d be ok.

Walking through loss and grief has often felt like huge waves sucking me under and at times leaving me breathless feeling as though I wouldn't make it.  Yet - with each wave - I’ve felt the amazing presence of my Jesus - whispering "trust me".

Battling the waves of my sea - called grief I continue to learn deep - profound lessons.  Lesson’s I would and could have never learned apart from walking through loss.

Suffering has:

• deepened me spiritually as I’ve had to accept a life I did not want, nor one I can control.  My lack of controlling what has happened to me has stirred up many questions that have deepened my hunger for the Lord. I’ve learned to cling to God's promises as I continue treading water - trusting his plan even in the unseen and knowing that he does his best work in and through me when I'm out in the deep.

• taught me that God is enough - even in my darkest night.

• taught me that although my worst fear has become my reality, God never changes, he never wavers and he will never leave me.

• taught me to incline my ear to ‘hear’ the promises God speaks for and over me.  I've found it is so easy to believe the lies satan whispers in my ear - yet - often I question God’s promises?   I’m learning to be intentional with my thought, shifting from lies whispered to the promises found in God’s word.

• taught me that God created me for such a time as this.  Since the day I was born, he has crafted, shaped and molded me to walk through this hard season.  My steps have been divinely ordered - so why would I not trust him and his plan for me?

• taught me that I don’t have to have my future figured out, and as I daily walk into the unknown I can have total and complete peace.

• taught me that although I struggle with figuring out who I am without Tim - questioning how I’ll navigate my life being alone - God will never leave me and he’s working and preparing me for amazing things.

• taught me that my mess - is my ministry. 

• taught me that my value isn’t determined by what I do - but rather by what I'm willing to allow God to use. My grief, my brokenness, my story.

• taught me that when I think I’m clinging to Jesus for dear life - he’s clinging to me, letting me know he will never leave me, nor forsake me.

• taught me that loss and grief will follow me all the days of my life; and on this journey I'll have a choice.  I can either sit in my grief and lament, walk around depressed, feeling hopeless, and being the person others avoid; OR, I can press in, allowing God to turn my loss and grief into something good - something beautiful - something he can use for his glory.

• taught me that I’m stronger than I ever knew; and I’m capable of doing hard things. I'm a survivor - not a victim and I do not have to be a slave to loss and grief, nor do I have to 'set up camp' and live here forever.

• taught me that although Tim's life ended - my life hasn't and the plans God has for us will continue on thru me as I choose to show up everyday.

• taught me that I may not like my circumstances - but I can look for the gifts they bring - living from a place of gratitude.

Suffering - a passageway to healing and wholeness and etched deep within my heart a knowing that God stands by his promises that beauty will come from the ashes of my life.  And with each passing month - my heart continues to shift, making a deliberate choice to not continually look back on and stay stuck in the ashes of my life - focusing on all that I’ve lost. Instead, focusing on all of the beautiful things God is doing, restoring, rebuilding and planning for my life.


Moment by moment I choose to rest in the promise God continues to whisper in my ear.....you're gonna be ok - and I do not have to be afraid....because I have this confidence - because I've seen the faithfulness of God!!!

Suffering - continues to produce endurance - endurance producing character - and character producing HOPE. Romand 5:3-5

May my life always be an example of endurance - character and HOPE!

Click the link to hear the song:

Not Afraid

Grief and Joy

People often ask me if the big moments - like holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are the hardest to navigate without Tim?  On one hand the answer is absolutely yes!  Then, on the other hand the answer is no!  Living my everyday life, the ordinary - my daily routine often feels the hardest.

It’s in the: 

• missing our morning breakfasts we enjoyed together - everyday 
• longing to hear his voice - to glean his advice.....just one more time 
• missing his love for the word and prayer - and how he prayed with and over me 
• making his favorite foods longing for one more meal together
• missing his personality - he was quiet...but so funny - because he wasn't funny
• laying my head on his chest at night, remembering how I loved our night time talks and having him there as I fell asleep 
• visiting our favorite coffee shop or restaurant - knowing exactly what he’d order - but now, only ordering for one
• I miss seeing his things in my closet - I miss his love for nice things - his custom shirts, and all of his shoes - and how particular he was with his things - especially his car
• missing his encouraging text messages - wishing to see his name pop up on my phone - just one more time
• feeling as though half of me has been misplaced or lost
• hearing the sound of the garage door, knowing he had made it home safe at the end of a long day
• watching his favorite TV shows together - hearing his laugh and commentary
• being home alone - longing for him to simply be here
• hearing the strum of a guitar - remembering his love of music, and being thankful that his final moment on this earth was doing something he loved
• watching our grandkids growing up - and feeling sadness that he's not hear to see what precious little people they are growing into

It's in my moment by moment - my everyday - the ebbs and flows of life that I miss him most!  The tension between what was - and what now is. Learning to live life with a limp of sorts, walking with a new cadence without him; and knowing at the depth of my core that loss and grief will be the hardest thing I'll ever be called and asked to walk through.  

Pressing in, knowing that loss and grief can live and walk hand in hand -side by side with joy and happiness; and believing that Tim would be so proud of me for choosing joy - even in the midst of the hard. I know he would encourage me to keep moving forward allowing my pain - to have a purpose and to use my story, my experience for HIS glory. For with each step I take - when fear and worry have tried to creep in - Jesus has brought me courage.  And when I've felt alone  - Jesus has been there - all along, right beside me. And it's been in my daily choosing to let the charred remains of what my life was, to be turned into something beautiful. 

With each passing month, the heavy weight of loss and grief aren’t as strong and intense as they once were. Yes, the tears still come but in my remembering I often do so with a smile ..... more so than with tears. Intentionally remembering happier times and how blessed I was.  Remembering and being so thankful for how Jesus has carried me and blessed me with each step I take and knowing he has ONLY good in store for me.

Loss and grief have forever changed the person that I am.  I now see Jesus, and people thru a different lens - a lens that only loss & grief could have produced. And, today, as I celebrate Tim’s 17th month in heaven......I remind myself and find great comfort and joy in knowing - I’m one day closer to heaven!!🙏🏻😇🕊💗⚓️

Stepping into loss and grief

My thoughts around the topic I’m about to share have been wrestled with for months.  Putting thoughts to pen and paper, words some may take the wrong way; praying you hear my heart - which hopes to offer a perspective from one who has been there - and continues her journey through the valley of the shadow of death.  

Those closest to me know I’m an encourager!  A peace maker - to a fault at times! My heart is to never hurt someones feelings, or leaving them feeling bad or left out.  Yet, my thoughts - my experiences (and the experience of many other widows) needs to be voiced to offer encouragement that it is necessary to step into someone else’s pain, being willing to risk being uncomfortable to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

As I continue walking through loss and grief, I’m often asked for advice on how people can reach out offering love, comfort and support.  Early on, I had no words as there were days, I had all I could do to simply hang on to Jesus – begging him to take this cup from me because it was far too heavy, and too much for me to carry on my own.

Now, some sixteen months into my journey I’ve learned a lot about myself – and others.  Each one of us carry hurt and burdens on some level and often our response and reactions to others comes from a place of our own woundedness. Many comments have spoken deeply to me and have landed softly on my heart, while others have left me puzzled and confused – and some quite frankly, felt hurtful. 

My new ‘title’ widow has changed so much of my life – a ‘title’ I would have never chosen. Yet, in the deep, in the hard I’ve found a community of women – ‘just like me!’  None of us chose, or would have willingly picked this ‘title’, yet we were asked to carry it.  And in our doing so we’ve become iron sharpening iron for one another because we can honestly say, ‘yes…me too!’

Preparing for this post, I reached out to other widows asking them to share their perspective.  In doing so, I quickly learned that most of the comments shared with me had a similar thread – a similar theme and this encouraged me to speak to this, so we could learn and grow together. 

As I share from my heart, please hear me when I say my intention is to encourage you. If you’ve said or done any of the things I’ll be sharing, my hope is that in my sharing, we can learn to weep and grieve well with those who are weeping and grieving. 

Often, when we are confronted with someone who has suffered an unimaginable loss, we want to say something - anything.  However, in our haste our words shared often leave a ripple of hurt in their wake.  We mean well, but sometimes our words hurt. And then there are those, who simply walk away out of fear of saying something wrong.  

I read a quote and the words so resinate with what I’ve experienced:

“When a person is born - - - we rejoice.

And when they are married - - - we are jubilant.

But when they die - - - we try to pretend nothing happened.”
Margaret Mead

PLEASE - -  don’t be afraid to talk about or mention our husbands name.  NO, it won’t make us sad. Rather, if we cry they will be happy tears - because you remembered - you honored them by your willingness to talk about them and you shared a memory, from a happier time.

Below are a some of the comments (in no particular order) often heard by ‘widows’ that have left a sting we now find ourselves needing to process and work through:

• God needed him, that’s why he took him!
• You are still young – you can find love again!
• I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes?
• I’m glad I still have my husband!
• What are you going to do now that you are all alone?
• Exactly how did he die?
• Has he been cremated yet?
• Are you taking medication?
• I know why God did this to you!  Because you are so strong!
• Are you on any dating sites yet?
• Do you plan to get remarried?
• Do you have his ashes sitting on your coffee table?
• Why are you still wearing your wedding ring?
• He’s not been gone very long, why did you stop wearing your wedding ring?
• I know how you feel – I lost my dog!
• You must be really scared – how are you going to make it without his income?
• Will you lose everything now that he’s gone?
• You’ll be fine!
• Don’t you think it’s time you’ve moved on?
• I guess God needed him in heaven more than you needed him here?
• Please don’t share your story with me. You need to talk to a therapist!
• Wow, you look better than I thought you’d look after losing your husband!
• I’m sending you good vibes! (what does that even mean?) 
• Rejoice because your husband is in heaven!  (a widow may find comfort in this statement, but they aren’t ready to rejoice yet).
• Just call me if you need anything!  (a widow will not call you –we have no idea what we need and we don’t want to be a burden)

Some of the above comments may make you chuckle – but they are real words that are often spoken, in hopes of offering comfort.  As you think about those in your circle who may be hurting and you long to reach in, here are a few conversation starters you may also want to avoid:

“Well I……….”

“When I…….”

“I remember………”

“My……….”

these words come naturally to each one of us.  I know they do for me.  It’s human nature, to shift the conversation off of the one hurting.  We feel sharing our story will offer comfort, when in reality – it doesn’t because no two stories are the same.

Another question to refrain from asking is: ‘How are you?” This is a loaded question that most people are not prepared to hear the truthful answer too.  Instead say, “It’s so good to see you!”

Watching someone walk through loss and grief may leave you perplexed wondering why they seem to be taking so long to move forward, or they seem ‘stuck’ in their grief?

From my personal perspective, there is great tension between “sitting in my grief - and moving forward”.  The former, represents all I have left of Tim. Longing to sit in my grief has provided a sense of comfort - because it represents my last and final connection to and with him. Moving forward - (still grieving but not allowing it to consume me) requires great courage for me to continually put one foot in front of the other moving farther and farther away from my final connection to Tim. 

Courage and strength are necessary to resolve that although Tim is no longer here, happiness & joy can and needs to be a part of my life.  Not everyone walking through loss and grief are able to shift from sitting in their grief, to moving forward and we must be patient as we walk along side. Grief can be so unpredictable often catching those walking in it off guard.

Yet in the midst of puzzling words and comments, there have been amazing ways people have stepped up, stepped in and offered tremendous love and support.

Here are some examples of how you might consider stepping into someone’s grief:

• Show up even if you don’t know what to say. if you feel afraid, or if you stumble over your words and feel helpless that’s ok.  The gift of someone’s presence is gold.
• Give (appropriate) hugs – most widows long for (appropriate) physical touch.  Widows can go weeks without someone hugging them, touching their arm, or even having someone call them by their name.
• Sit with the grieving, hold their hand, weep with them, laugh with them ---be intentional with simply being present.
• Listen. Often great healing happens when a ‘widow’ is allowed an opportunity to simply talk and process her thoughts and feelings out loud to someone. Remember, her husband - her confidant is no longer here and she has NO one to process life with.
• Ask her how you can serve her?  If you aren’t sure how to do this find out what some of her favorite things are and be a blessing to her.
• Time- being a ‘widow’ is extremely lonely.  Most people assume ‘someone’ is reaching out to her – often, no one is.
• Invite her to dinner or events.  Most ‘widows’ stop eating out once they are alone.
• If a widow has small children – reach in and include her children in fun events – help mentor her children.
• Show up at her home – home is often the loneliest place.
• Buy her a journal to write her thoughts in.
• Invite her to coffee.
• When the lose is fresh-offer to clean her house, help her move, buy paper products – paper towel, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, pre-packaged snacks, hand soap.
• Be interested in HER – rather than trying to find the words to try to fix HER.
• Watch her kids when she has appointments or is feeling sick.
• Arrange snow removal or lawn care.
• Send her a note in the mail. There’s nothing like reading and saving heartfelt words.
• Remember special dates- her birthday, her anniversary, his birthday, his death anniversary.
• If she needs financial help-sit with her and help her set up a budget.
• Pray with her - not just for her.
• Buy her gift cards to the local grocery store, gas station, coffee shop or her favorite retail store.
• Help with house repairs.
• Help with auto repairs.
• If she’s on your heart - send her a text and tell her you are thinking about her and praying for her.
• If you know she’s struggling with simple tasks like grocery shopping call her when you are at the store and ask her what you could pick up for her.
• Provide meals.
• Don't be afraid to make her laugh - laugher is medicine to our souls.

The above list isn’t exhaustive, but my hope is that it provides you a small glimpse of how you can step in and be a blessing.  There is great power in “simply showing up.”  

Speaking from personal experience, I know who in my life has truly acknowledged in some way the devastating loss I’ve experienced – and those who have not.  I’ve heard it said that those you expect to show up in your time of greatest loss and grief don’t – and those you would not have expected to  – do.  Don’t be the friend who disappears because YOU feel uncomfortable.  Trust me, being intentional, reaching in even when you aren’t comfortable, provides an opportunity for YOU and your ‘widow’ friend to experience amazing blessings!

Speaking of ‘showing up’, here are 2 personal examples of how I’ve been greatly blessing by others stepping in:

• one of the greatest gifts I received came the morning after Tim passed away.  A dear, sweet friend sent me a text early in the morning letting me know she was on her way to my home with coffee and breakfast.  She didn’t ask if I wanted company – instead, she just showed up. She told me not to get dressed or fix myself up – she wanted to simply come and sit with me.  This was such a gift to me!!  To this day this sweet precious friend continues to step in, inviting me to lunch, sending text messages, and she’s shown up at my home with dinner.  She often shares books, podcasts and music that she thinks might encourage me and I never get offended.  Why?  Because of her faithfulness to me in my darkest hour. She’s proven her devotion in my greatest time of need by simply being there. Having people in our lives who aren’t afraid to step into the messiness of loss and grief are truly gifts from the Lord.

• This may shock some – but I’ve only had 1 person reach out to me over the past 16 months and be intentional about praying for and with me. I am SO thankful for the MANY who are praying FOR me - and most days I make it because of those prayers.  Yet, praying together, being prayed for and over was an anchor in my marriage. Losing that has been something that has been very difficult for me to navigate. Being told, “I’m praying for you” means a lot, but having someone step in and verbally prayer personally with me – has been life giving. 

In closing I wanted to touch on one last perspective I've wrestle with as a ‘widow’, and I know others have as well:

Grief has forever changed my perspective and my longing for heaven. Longing for heaven to see and spend eternity with Jesus and Tim. The tension between the two has often caused my heart much agony, sometime guilt as I process my longings. Feelings of guilt as I’ve wrestled with my ‘why’ do I truly long for heaven?  To be with Jesus?  Or, to be with Tim? If I’m honest, the latter is often what I long for. And in those moments of questioning, I’ve felt the holy spirits comfort, peace, and a knowing that HE understands.  HE understands my longing to be with the one I’ve loved – the one who was physically and tangibly a part of my life.  The one I could touch, talk to and had built a life with. And in this tension, I believe Jesus understands my humanness as I’ve been torn between the unseen - and - the seen and my deep – deep longing to be with and see both Jesus and Tim. 

As I continue to process this - I rest in the knowing that my love for Jesus is through a glass dimly, and I DO long for the day I'll see him face-to-face; and with each passing day I believe God can use my longing to see Tim as a tool to make me so much more aware of Jesus, heaven and what awaits me.

Grief from the loss of a spouse is a journey each and everyone of us will face at some point in our lifetime (unless Jesus returns 1^st). For me, it has truly been the hardest life experience I’ve ever been called to walk through.  It’s painful - it’s hard - it’s lonely.  Yet, in the depth of such heartache – I’ve experienced Jesus in ways I could have never experience had I not walked this road of suffering. And, with each step I continue to take, Jesus’ promise found in Isaiah 61:3 remain true:

 “to provide for those who grieve – to give them a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise for a spirit of despair. So, they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that HE may be glorified.”

From the moment I stood beside Tim’s hospital bed – praying and begging God to give me supernatural wisdom and strength to surrender to the path of ‘widowhood’ he was calling me too. Crying out for strength, wisdom and courage to lead my family through the most devastating loss we could ever face. Each step, each moment, and each day God continues to meet me at every corner and every turn.  He’s been faithful in fulfilling his promise to me and I know beyond a shadow of doubt, he has a beautiful plan for my life.  Although there are days I feel as though I’ve lost everything – Jesus continues to meet me in the middle of my valley - offering water to my dry and partched soul, proving he’s in control and I can trust him -because he is trustworthy. And when I feel like I’ve lost everything - he continually whispers, “you’ve not lost ME.”

Beautifully Broken

458 days - 15 months since I said my hardest good-bye to you.  I remember walking down that long hospital hallway, leaving you behind -  knowing in the depth of my being that nothing in my life would ever be the same; and although I miss you with ever fiber of my being, and for selfish reasons I wish you were still here - Jesus has been so faithful & close to my broken heart.

As I move forward, my heart and mind continue to wrestle with much tension – being pulled between longing to go back – yet knowing the only way forward is through.

Tension between losing you and giving up all of our hopes and dreams - and then wrestling with knowing I must continue pressing forward - intentionally taking steps into all Jesus has for me.

Tension between memories and remembering our final days together - and then, not feeling guilty when my mind forgets to remember.  I’m learning that forgetting is all part of the healing process – slowly forgetting - allowing time, and his healing power to free me from feeling the need to relive every detail of our final 4 days together - every single week. Yet, at times longing to remember – feeling guilty when I don’t - and worrying that one day the memories will forever slip away - fearful of losing them, because they are all I have left of my time with you. 

Tension in thinking back and remembering what I was doing a year ago - only to realize, you were not a part of those memories; then desperately trying to remember what we were doing 2 years ago. Straining, begging my mind to remember happier times, precious memories and happy moments.

Time has moved on and you’ve missed so much life that I’ve lived. Yet, in the midst of the hard – there has been good.  Lots of good! You’d be so proud of the person I’m learning to become - without you. I’m stepping out and being used in ways I never imagined. I'm stronger because of the journey I've been asked to walk, and I view life so differently as well. I’ve also seen the faithfulness of God in such tangible ways as he moment by moments reminds me that my story of loss and grief is not meant to harm me – but to deepen and grow my faith in him.

There have been times when I’ve begged God to take this cup from me.  I’ve pleaded my case, telling him I’ve carried this long and far enough. Some days my mind tells me I can’t do this one more day - and each time, Jesus gently reminds me there is purpose in my pain, and I must choose to process my grief through Jesus’ love rather than through the lens of my broken heart. And that can only be done through my surrendering completely to him.

Learning to live beautifully broken, trusting enough in HIM so that I can surrender ALL to have his perfect plan fulfilled.  I’m finding that in my brokenness – in my willingness to have every hope and dream shattered – Jesus’ sweet grace covers me as I lay my heart at his feet – knowing HE will rebuild what has been broken and shattered, creating a beautiful tapestry from the ashes I hold in my hands. 

I’m learning first hand the importance of the ‘refiners fire - and through the process HE’S never takes his eyes off of me. Through the intense heat - through the striping away of everything I’ve ever known - he’s purifying me  - and HIS goal is to make me in the image of himself so that in all I do - in all that I say, a reflection of my Heavenly Father is seen, heard and spilling out of me.  

Is the process hard?  YES!! Is the process painful? Absolutely!  Does the process seem long? Excruciatingly! Yet, as I continue in the fire - my eyes have become so accustom to keeping a steady gaze and focus on HIM, knowing I’ve made it through my worst day with HIM by my side - and I have a deep knowing that only good can come from this process!

The process of waiting.  Something so sacred - so holy has been stirred and is happening in my waiting - in my stillness; as long as my stance shifts from trying to hurry through the process - to resting, waiting, listening, and leaning into HIM. Patiently seeking his heart - where peace and clarity are found.  In my stillness - One on one with Jesus  I’m learning from whom my help comes from and as I lean ONLY into him, my healing happens.

Death doesn’t win!! Eternity does and it's my hope and promise for my future.  My prayer continues to be that I run this race in a manner that brings honor to you – and to Jesus. 

Daily - sometimes moment by moment I rest in Psalms 32:8 which promised me this:

"I will guide you along the best pathways for your life.”   

Thankful for this promise - and the promise of eternity -together - forever! 💗 

We are defined - by what we carry

Putting pen to paper, writing out what my heart has been processing - an expression of the season I'm currently walking thru has been a daily practice for me.  A passageway to freedom and wholeness that is SO holy - SO sacred as I continue to navigate the hard, the everyday life alone, purposefully and intentionally leaning into HIM.

As I continue to seek HIM with every breath I breathe I’m propelled towards Jesus with a yearning and longing to know him more - in ways I’ve never experienced or known.  As I lean in, HE continues to do hard things which have been forever chiseled tenderly - deeply within my heart...leaving crevasses as a reminder - an imprint that Jesus has been their doing the hard, amazing, freeing work within. Scars of sort - leaving a reminder that healing is taking place.

Recently Andrew (my son) and I were talking about two terms that I've heard/been asked about and wrestled with as I continue to navigate every twist and turn known as grief.  I’ve often found that those peering in from the outside offer unsolicited opinions about how my grief should look and be walked out.  It’s easy to peer into ones life, voice opinions, and offer words and opinions - trying to speak into a world many have never walked thru. All well meaning, yet words and opinions that often add to an already tender heart that continues to navigate loss and grief.

There’s a tension between: 

Moving on and Moving forwards

Some feel I’ve  ‘moved on’.....to quickly!  Thru the outside lens it may appear that I’ve made every decision widows are encouraged NOT to do/make within the first year of loss. And, you'd be correct!  Yet, for me - my choices have been life giving.  And although some feel I've moved on - I haven't.  Rather, I'm moving forward.

Moving on from my perspective means - leaving behind and forgetting. Literally drawing a line in the sand so to speak acting as if Tim and our life experiences together never existed. Making the choice to create a new life, never walking thru the hard process of loss and grief choosing to ride off into the sunset - with a messy - unhealed heart. 

Moving on would also require of me to push down and or away the emotions that are conjured up when grief sneaks in. It’s pretending. It’s burying what needs to be cultivated, watered and pruned so beautiful growth can we seen. Moving on would keep me wounded not whole or healed and I'd soon - wound others in my own woundedness.  

We've all met wounded people - who wound people.

Moving forward from my perspective is taking pieces of Tim with me - talking about him - sharing stories that make me laugh until I cry - remembering.  Having a thankful heart for what was and allowing that joy to walk with me as I move forward.   It’s in my honoring Tim - living life as he’d want me too.  It’s consciously moment by moment tucking away all of the love and life lived into the crevasses of my heart and treasuring each and every one of them....forever!  

Moving forward requires that I take loss and grief with me - each step, each day working thru every memory, emotion, loss and feeling so that thru the process - my heart can find healing and wholeness.  

Silence and loneliness have taught me that they are gifts.  Sacred holy gifts that often aren’t what I would naturally strive for.  In fact, in our hurry up culture we constantly strive, try to attain, pushing forward not taking reflective time to step back - to be still allowing the deep hard, issues of the heart to be stirred, moved and changed.

Walking thru loss and grief has stopped me dead in my tracks. (No pun intended!😜) There have been moments where loss and grief have paralyzed me in ways that have forced me to be still - to be quiet - to sit in the silence, the alone and be ok.  

Moving forward as hard and gut wrenchingly difficult as it’s been, has also been an amazing gift - a treasure  that has revealed that in my darkest, loneliest, quiet moments - I’m not alone.  Jesus’ sweet tender voice moment by moment continues to whisper to my heart that - I’m seen - I’m known - I’m loved - and I’m enough!

Losing Tim, the most important person to me - at this stage in my life has rocked my word in unimaginable ways.  The other half of me - the person who knew me better than anyone else - is no longer here. Trying to find new footing - learning a new cadence with every step I take hasn’t been easy!  Some days, it seems near impossible. Yet, as I’ve limped along...somedays crawling to Jesus because I haven't had enough strength to get to him

any other way- I’m learning that HE’S enough! I’m strong - I’m capable - I’m courageous and I’m not afraid! AND...I know Tim would be SO proud of me as I’ve navigated the past 14 months without him.

I’ve heard it said, 

 “We are defined by what we carry.”  

I’ve experienced those who are walking thru grief who carry bitterness and hopelessness. My prayer is that I’m defined as someone who carries grace, hope and the promise that HE is always good, even in the hard. He provides a way of escape and there is ALWAYS purpose in the pain - if I'm willing to allow him to do the hard work within.

Grief - it isn’t a season ...it’s a lifestyle I’m learning to navigate each and everyday!

And I continue to stand on the promise that nothing has been wasted!  God’s sovereign plan for Tim was fulfilled and he lived 56 years - 3 months and 8 days.  The exact amount of days God planned for his life since the beginning of time. He will never be forgotten! So much of who he is has been printed and etched on every piece of who I am. I will not spend my time allowing my grief to hold me captive; instead, I’m picking up the pieces of my life and heart - and moving forward - wherever Jesus leads and guides me, knowing HE has a perfect plan and there will be beauty from my ashes. 🙏🏻🙌🏻☀️