Pondering's from a widows heart......

Soon I’ll reach the 20 month mile marker since Tim met Jesus, and with each passing day I continue to see God’s goodness in my life. Yet, my heart continues to wrestle with much learning that even in the hard God has always had a perfect plan for my life.  Have I always liked his plan?  No!  Have I often tried to find my own path? Yes!  Yet, though the valley of the shadow of death - I’m learning that HE will never leave me - that he’s always doing the best thing for me and if I knew the beginning from the end - I’d choose exactly what he’s doing in and through me.  So in faith - I have to trust - I have to believe he's creating a beautiful tapestry from my life. 

I’m a word picture type of person and as I process what I’m walking through I can’t help but visualize my life in a boat out on the ocean.  July 8th Tim and I were enjoying life - dreaming - planning - and looking forward to so many things. We were happy and sailing through life.  July 9th, our life - our boat capsized miles and miles from shore and as I soon began to tread water, I realized I was alone and I couldn’t find my way to the safety of the shore - to the shallow water where I could touch bottom - find my footing - being confident that I’d be ok.

Walking through loss and grief has often felt like huge waves sucking me under and at times leaving me breathless feeling as though I wouldn't make it.  Yet - with each wave - I’ve felt the amazing presence of my Jesus - whispering "trust me".

Battling the waves of my sea - called grief I continue to learn deep - profound lessons.  Lesson’s I would and could have never learned apart from walking through loss.

Suffering has:

• deepened me spiritually as I’ve had to accept a life I did not want, nor one I can control.  My lack of controlling what has happened to me has stirred up many questions that have deepened my hunger for the Lord. I’ve learned to cling to God's promises as I continue treading water - trusting his plan even in the unseen and knowing that he does his best work in and through me when I'm out in the deep.

• taught me that God is enough - even in my darkest night.

• taught me that although my worst fear has become my reality, God never changes, he never wavers and he will never leave me.

• taught me to incline my ear to ‘hear’ the promises God speaks for and over me.  I've found it is so easy to believe the lies satan whispers in my ear - yet - often I question God’s promises?   I’m learning to be intentional with my thought, shifting from lies whispered to the promises found in God’s word.

• taught me that God created me for such a time as this.  Since the day I was born, he has crafted, shaped and molded me to walk through this hard season.  My steps have been divinely ordered - so why would I not trust him and his plan for me?

• taught me that I don’t have to have my future figured out, and as I daily walk into the unknown I can have total and complete peace.

• taught me that although I struggle with figuring out who I am without Tim - questioning how I’ll navigate my life being alone - God will never leave me and he’s working and preparing me for amazing things.

• taught me that my mess - is my ministry. 

• taught me that my value isn’t determined by what I do - but rather by what I'm willing to allow God to use. My grief, my brokenness, my story.

• taught me that when I think I’m clinging to Jesus for dear life - he’s clinging to me, letting me know he will never leave me, nor forsake me.

• taught me that loss and grief will follow me all the days of my life; and on this journey I'll have a choice.  I can either sit in my grief and lament, walk around depressed, feeling hopeless, and being the person others avoid; OR, I can press in, allowing God to turn my loss and grief into something good - something beautiful - something he can use for his glory.

• taught me that I’m stronger than I ever knew; and I’m capable of doing hard things. I'm a survivor - not a victim and I do not have to be a slave to loss and grief, nor do I have to 'set up camp' and live here forever.

• taught me that although Tim's life ended - my life hasn't and the plans God has for us will continue on thru me as I choose to show up everyday.

• taught me that I may not like my circumstances - but I can look for the gifts they bring - living from a place of gratitude.

Suffering - a passageway to healing and wholeness and etched deep within my heart a knowing that God stands by his promises that beauty will come from the ashes of my life.  And with each passing month - my heart continues to shift, making a deliberate choice to not continually look back on and stay stuck in the ashes of my life - focusing on all that I’ve lost. Instead, focusing on all of the beautiful things God is doing, restoring, rebuilding and planning for my life.


Moment by moment I choose to rest in the promise God continues to whisper in my ear.....you're gonna be ok - and I do not have to be afraid....because I have this confidence - because I've seen the faithfulness of God!!!

Suffering - continues to produce endurance - endurance producing character - and character producing HOPE. Romand 5:3-5

May my life always be an example of endurance - character and HOPE!

Click the link to hear the song:

Not Afraid