Beautifully Broken

458 days - 15 months since I said my hardest good-bye to you.  I remember walking down that long hospital hallway, leaving you behind -  knowing in the depth of my being that nothing in my life would ever be the same; and although I miss you with ever fiber of my being, and for selfish reasons I wish you were still here - Jesus has been so faithful & close to my broken heart.

As I move forward, my heart and mind continue to wrestle with much tension – being pulled between longing to go back – yet knowing the only way forward is through.

Tension between losing you and giving up all of our hopes and dreams - and then wrestling with knowing I must continue pressing forward - intentionally taking steps into all Jesus has for me.

Tension between memories and remembering our final days together - and then, not feeling guilty when my mind forgets to remember.  I’m learning that forgetting is all part of the healing process – slowly forgetting - allowing time, and his healing power to free me from feeling the need to relive every detail of our final 4 days together - every single week. Yet, at times longing to remember – feeling guilty when I don’t - and worrying that one day the memories will forever slip away - fearful of losing them, because they are all I have left of my time with you. 

Tension in thinking back and remembering what I was doing a year ago - only to realize, you were not a part of those memories; then desperately trying to remember what we were doing 2 years ago. Straining, begging my mind to remember happier times, precious memories and happy moments.

Time has moved on and you’ve missed so much life that I’ve lived. Yet, in the midst of the hard – there has been good.  Lots of good! You’d be so proud of the person I’m learning to become - without you. I’m stepping out and being used in ways I never imagined. I'm stronger because of the journey I've been asked to walk, and I view life so differently as well. I’ve also seen the faithfulness of God in such tangible ways as he moment by moments reminds me that my story of loss and grief is not meant to harm me – but to deepen and grow my faith in him.

There have been times when I’ve begged God to take this cup from me.  I’ve pleaded my case, telling him I’ve carried this long and far enough. Some days my mind tells me I can’t do this one more day - and each time, Jesus gently reminds me there is purpose in my pain, and I must choose to process my grief through Jesus’ love rather than through the lens of my broken heart. And that can only be done through my surrendering completely to him.

Learning to live beautifully broken, trusting enough in HIM so that I can surrender ALL to have his perfect plan fulfilled.  I’m finding that in my brokenness – in my willingness to have every hope and dream shattered – Jesus’ sweet grace covers me as I lay my heart at his feet – knowing HE will rebuild what has been broken and shattered, creating a beautiful tapestry from the ashes I hold in my hands. 

I’m learning first hand the importance of the ‘refiners fire - and through the process HE’S never takes his eyes off of me. Through the intense heat - through the striping away of everything I’ve ever known - he’s purifying me  - and HIS goal is to make me in the image of himself so that in all I do - in all that I say, a reflection of my Heavenly Father is seen, heard and spilling out of me.  

Is the process hard?  YES!! Is the process painful? Absolutely!  Does the process seem long? Excruciatingly! Yet, as I continue in the fire - my eyes have become so accustom to keeping a steady gaze and focus on HIM, knowing I’ve made it through my worst day with HIM by my side - and I have a deep knowing that only good can come from this process!

The process of waiting.  Something so sacred - so holy has been stirred and is happening in my waiting - in my stillness; as long as my stance shifts from trying to hurry through the process - to resting, waiting, listening, and leaning into HIM. Patiently seeking his heart - where peace and clarity are found.  In my stillness - One on one with Jesus  I’m learning from whom my help comes from and as I lean ONLY into him, my healing happens.

Death doesn’t win!! Eternity does and it's my hope and promise for my future.  My prayer continues to be that I run this race in a manner that brings honor to you – and to Jesus. 

Daily - sometimes moment by moment I rest in Psalms 32:8 which promised me this:

"I will guide you along the best pathways for your life.”   

Thankful for this promise - and the promise of eternity -together - forever! 💗