We are defined - by what we carry

Putting pen to paper, writing out what my heart has been processing - an expression of the season I'm currently walking thru has been a daily practice for me.  A passageway to freedom and wholeness that is SO holy - SO sacred as I continue to navigate the hard, the everyday life alone, purposefully and intentionally leaning into HIM.

As I continue to seek HIM with every breath I breathe I’m propelled towards Jesus with a yearning and longing to know him more - in ways I’ve never experienced or known.  As I lean in, HE continues to do hard things which have been forever chiseled tenderly - deeply within my heart...leaving crevasses as a reminder - an imprint that Jesus has been their doing the hard, amazing, freeing work within. Scars of sort - leaving a reminder that healing is taking place.

Recently Andrew (my son) and I were talking about two terms that I've heard/been asked about and wrestled with as I continue to navigate every twist and turn known as grief.  I’ve often found that those peering in from the outside offer unsolicited opinions about how my grief should look and be walked out.  It’s easy to peer into ones life, voice opinions, and offer words and opinions - trying to speak into a world many have never walked thru. All well meaning, yet words and opinions that often add to an already tender heart that continues to navigate loss and grief.

There’s a tension between: 

Moving on and Moving forwards

Some feel I’ve  ‘moved on’.....to quickly!  Thru the outside lens it may appear that I’ve made every decision widows are encouraged NOT to do/make within the first year of loss. And, you'd be correct!  Yet, for me - my choices have been life giving.  And although some feel I've moved on - I haven't.  Rather, I'm moving forward.

Moving on from my perspective means - leaving behind and forgetting. Literally drawing a line in the sand so to speak acting as if Tim and our life experiences together never existed. Making the choice to create a new life, never walking thru the hard process of loss and grief choosing to ride off into the sunset - with a messy - unhealed heart. 

Moving on would also require of me to push down and or away the emotions that are conjured up when grief sneaks in. It’s pretending. It’s burying what needs to be cultivated, watered and pruned so beautiful growth can we seen. Moving on would keep me wounded not whole or healed and I'd soon - wound others in my own woundedness.  

We've all met wounded people - who wound people.

Moving forward from my perspective is taking pieces of Tim with me - talking about him - sharing stories that make me laugh until I cry - remembering.  Having a thankful heart for what was and allowing that joy to walk with me as I move forward.   It’s in my honoring Tim - living life as he’d want me too.  It’s consciously moment by moment tucking away all of the love and life lived into the crevasses of my heart and treasuring each and every one of them....forever!  

Moving forward requires that I take loss and grief with me - each step, each day working thru every memory, emotion, loss and feeling so that thru the process - my heart can find healing and wholeness.  

Silence and loneliness have taught me that they are gifts.  Sacred holy gifts that often aren’t what I would naturally strive for.  In fact, in our hurry up culture we constantly strive, try to attain, pushing forward not taking reflective time to step back - to be still allowing the deep hard, issues of the heart to be stirred, moved and changed.

Walking thru loss and grief has stopped me dead in my tracks. (No pun intended!😜) There have been moments where loss and grief have paralyzed me in ways that have forced me to be still - to be quiet - to sit in the silence, the alone and be ok.  

Moving forward as hard and gut wrenchingly difficult as it’s been, has also been an amazing gift - a treasure  that has revealed that in my darkest, loneliest, quiet moments - I’m not alone.  Jesus’ sweet tender voice moment by moment continues to whisper to my heart that - I’m seen - I’m known - I’m loved - and I’m enough!

Losing Tim, the most important person to me - at this stage in my life has rocked my word in unimaginable ways.  The other half of me - the person who knew me better than anyone else - is no longer here. Trying to find new footing - learning a new cadence with every step I take hasn’t been easy!  Some days, it seems near impossible. Yet, as I’ve limped along...somedays crawling to Jesus because I haven't had enough strength to get to him

any other way- I’m learning that HE’S enough! I’m strong - I’m capable - I’m courageous and I’m not afraid! AND...I know Tim would be SO proud of me as I’ve navigated the past 14 months without him.

I’ve heard it said, 

 “We are defined by what we carry.”  

I’ve experienced those who are walking thru grief who carry bitterness and hopelessness. My prayer is that I’m defined as someone who carries grace, hope and the promise that HE is always good, even in the hard. He provides a way of escape and there is ALWAYS purpose in the pain - if I'm willing to allow him to do the hard work within.

Grief - it isn’t a season ...it’s a lifestyle I’m learning to navigate each and everyday!

And I continue to stand on the promise that nothing has been wasted!  God’s sovereign plan for Tim was fulfilled and he lived 56 years - 3 months and 8 days.  The exact amount of days God planned for his life since the beginning of time. He will never be forgotten! So much of who he is has been printed and etched on every piece of who I am. I will not spend my time allowing my grief to hold me captive; instead, I’m picking up the pieces of my life and heart - and moving forward - wherever Jesus leads and guides me, knowing HE has a perfect plan and there will be beauty from my ashes. 🙏🏻🙌🏻☀️