Stepping into loss and grief

My thoughts around the topic I’m about to share have been wrestled with for months.  Putting thoughts to pen and paper, words some may take the wrong way; praying you hear my heart - which hopes to offer a perspective from one who has been there - and continues her journey through the valley of the shadow of death.  

Those closest to me know I’m an encourager!  A peace maker - to a fault at times! My heart is to never hurt someones feelings, or leaving them feeling bad or left out.  Yet, my thoughts - my experiences (and the experience of many other widows) needs to be voiced to offer encouragement that it is necessary to step into someone else’s pain, being willing to risk being uncomfortable to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

As I continue walking through loss and grief, I’m often asked for advice on how people can reach out offering love, comfort and support.  Early on, I had no words as there were days, I had all I could do to simply hang on to Jesus – begging him to take this cup from me because it was far too heavy, and too much for me to carry on my own.

Now, some sixteen months into my journey I’ve learned a lot about myself – and others.  Each one of us carry hurt and burdens on some level and often our response and reactions to others comes from a place of our own woundedness. Many comments have spoken deeply to me and have landed softly on my heart, while others have left me puzzled and confused – and some quite frankly, felt hurtful. 

My new ‘title’ widow has changed so much of my life – a ‘title’ I would have never chosen. Yet, in the deep, in the hard I’ve found a community of women – ‘just like me!’  None of us chose, or would have willingly picked this ‘title’, yet we were asked to carry it.  And in our doing so we’ve become iron sharpening iron for one another because we can honestly say, ‘yes…me too!’

Preparing for this post, I reached out to other widows asking them to share their perspective.  In doing so, I quickly learned that most of the comments shared with me had a similar thread – a similar theme and this encouraged me to speak to this, so we could learn and grow together. 

As I share from my heart, please hear me when I say my intention is to encourage you. If you’ve said or done any of the things I’ll be sharing, my hope is that in my sharing, we can learn to weep and grieve well with those who are weeping and grieving. 

Often, when we are confronted with someone who has suffered an unimaginable loss, we want to say something - anything.  However, in our haste our words shared often leave a ripple of hurt in their wake.  We mean well, but sometimes our words hurt. And then there are those, who simply walk away out of fear of saying something wrong.  

I read a quote and the words so resinate with what I’ve experienced:

“When a person is born - - - we rejoice.

And when they are married - - - we are jubilant.

But when they die - - - we try to pretend nothing happened.”
Margaret Mead

PLEASE - -  don’t be afraid to talk about or mention our husbands name.  NO, it won’t make us sad. Rather, if we cry they will be happy tears - because you remembered - you honored them by your willingness to talk about them and you shared a memory, from a happier time.

Below are a some of the comments (in no particular order) often heard by ‘widows’ that have left a sting we now find ourselves needing to process and work through:

• God needed him, that’s why he took him!
• You are still young – you can find love again!
• I don’t know what I would do if I were in your shoes?
• I’m glad I still have my husband!
• What are you going to do now that you are all alone?
• Exactly how did he die?
• Has he been cremated yet?
• Are you taking medication?
• I know why God did this to you!  Because you are so strong!
• Are you on any dating sites yet?
• Do you plan to get remarried?
• Do you have his ashes sitting on your coffee table?
• Why are you still wearing your wedding ring?
• He’s not been gone very long, why did you stop wearing your wedding ring?
• I know how you feel – I lost my dog!
• You must be really scared – how are you going to make it without his income?
• Will you lose everything now that he’s gone?
• You’ll be fine!
• Don’t you think it’s time you’ve moved on?
• I guess God needed him in heaven more than you needed him here?
• Please don’t share your story with me. You need to talk to a therapist!
• Wow, you look better than I thought you’d look after losing your husband!
• I’m sending you good vibes! (what does that even mean?) 
• Rejoice because your husband is in heaven!  (a widow may find comfort in this statement, but they aren’t ready to rejoice yet).
• Just call me if you need anything!  (a widow will not call you –we have no idea what we need and we don’t want to be a burden)

Some of the above comments may make you chuckle – but they are real words that are often spoken, in hopes of offering comfort.  As you think about those in your circle who may be hurting and you long to reach in, here are a few conversation starters you may also want to avoid:

“Well I……….”

“When I…….”

“I remember………”

“My……….”

these words come naturally to each one of us.  I know they do for me.  It’s human nature, to shift the conversation off of the one hurting.  We feel sharing our story will offer comfort, when in reality – it doesn’t because no two stories are the same.

Another question to refrain from asking is: ‘How are you?” This is a loaded question that most people are not prepared to hear the truthful answer too.  Instead say, “It’s so good to see you!”

Watching someone walk through loss and grief may leave you perplexed wondering why they seem to be taking so long to move forward, or they seem ‘stuck’ in their grief?

From my personal perspective, there is great tension between “sitting in my grief - and moving forward”.  The former, represents all I have left of Tim. Longing to sit in my grief has provided a sense of comfort - because it represents my last and final connection to and with him. Moving forward - (still grieving but not allowing it to consume me) requires great courage for me to continually put one foot in front of the other moving farther and farther away from my final connection to Tim. 

Courage and strength are necessary to resolve that although Tim is no longer here, happiness & joy can and needs to be a part of my life.  Not everyone walking through loss and grief are able to shift from sitting in their grief, to moving forward and we must be patient as we walk along side. Grief can be so unpredictable often catching those walking in it off guard.

Yet in the midst of puzzling words and comments, there have been amazing ways people have stepped up, stepped in and offered tremendous love and support.

Here are some examples of how you might consider stepping into someone’s grief:

• Show up even if you don’t know what to say. if you feel afraid, or if you stumble over your words and feel helpless that’s ok.  The gift of someone’s presence is gold.
• Give (appropriate) hugs – most widows long for (appropriate) physical touch.  Widows can go weeks without someone hugging them, touching their arm, or even having someone call them by their name.
• Sit with the grieving, hold their hand, weep with them, laugh with them ---be intentional with simply being present.
• Listen. Often great healing happens when a ‘widow’ is allowed an opportunity to simply talk and process her thoughts and feelings out loud to someone. Remember, her husband - her confidant is no longer here and she has NO one to process life with.
• Ask her how you can serve her?  If you aren’t sure how to do this find out what some of her favorite things are and be a blessing to her.
• Time- being a ‘widow’ is extremely lonely.  Most people assume ‘someone’ is reaching out to her – often, no one is.
• Invite her to dinner or events.  Most ‘widows’ stop eating out once they are alone.
• If a widow has small children – reach in and include her children in fun events – help mentor her children.
• Show up at her home – home is often the loneliest place.
• Buy her a journal to write her thoughts in.
• Invite her to coffee.
• When the lose is fresh-offer to clean her house, help her move, buy paper products – paper towel, toilet paper, cleaning supplies, pre-packaged snacks, hand soap.
• Be interested in HER – rather than trying to find the words to try to fix HER.
• Watch her kids when she has appointments or is feeling sick.
• Arrange snow removal or lawn care.
• Send her a note in the mail. There’s nothing like reading and saving heartfelt words.
• Remember special dates- her birthday, her anniversary, his birthday, his death anniversary.
• If she needs financial help-sit with her and help her set up a budget.
• Pray with her - not just for her.
• Buy her gift cards to the local grocery store, gas station, coffee shop or her favorite retail store.
• Help with house repairs.
• Help with auto repairs.
• If she’s on your heart - send her a text and tell her you are thinking about her and praying for her.
• If you know she’s struggling with simple tasks like grocery shopping call her when you are at the store and ask her what you could pick up for her.
• Provide meals.
• Don't be afraid to make her laugh - laugher is medicine to our souls.

The above list isn’t exhaustive, but my hope is that it provides you a small glimpse of how you can step in and be a blessing.  There is great power in “simply showing up.”  

Speaking from personal experience, I know who in my life has truly acknowledged in some way the devastating loss I’ve experienced – and those who have not.  I’ve heard it said that those you expect to show up in your time of greatest loss and grief don’t – and those you would not have expected to  – do.  Don’t be the friend who disappears because YOU feel uncomfortable.  Trust me, being intentional, reaching in even when you aren’t comfortable, provides an opportunity for YOU and your ‘widow’ friend to experience amazing blessings!

Speaking of ‘showing up’, here are 2 personal examples of how I’ve been greatly blessing by others stepping in:

• one of the greatest gifts I received came the morning after Tim passed away.  A dear, sweet friend sent me a text early in the morning letting me know she was on her way to my home with coffee and breakfast.  She didn’t ask if I wanted company – instead, she just showed up. She told me not to get dressed or fix myself up – she wanted to simply come and sit with me.  This was such a gift to me!!  To this day this sweet precious friend continues to step in, inviting me to lunch, sending text messages, and she’s shown up at my home with dinner.  She often shares books, podcasts and music that she thinks might encourage me and I never get offended.  Why?  Because of her faithfulness to me in my darkest hour. She’s proven her devotion in my greatest time of need by simply being there. Having people in our lives who aren’t afraid to step into the messiness of loss and grief are truly gifts from the Lord.

• This may shock some – but I’ve only had 1 person reach out to me over the past 16 months and be intentional about praying for and with me. I am SO thankful for the MANY who are praying FOR me - and most days I make it because of those prayers.  Yet, praying together, being prayed for and over was an anchor in my marriage. Losing that has been something that has been very difficult for me to navigate. Being told, “I’m praying for you” means a lot, but having someone step in and verbally prayer personally with me – has been life giving. 

In closing I wanted to touch on one last perspective I've wrestle with as a ‘widow’, and I know others have as well:

Grief has forever changed my perspective and my longing for heaven. Longing for heaven to see and spend eternity with Jesus and Tim. The tension between the two has often caused my heart much agony, sometime guilt as I process my longings. Feelings of guilt as I’ve wrestled with my ‘why’ do I truly long for heaven?  To be with Jesus?  Or, to be with Tim? If I’m honest, the latter is often what I long for. And in those moments of questioning, I’ve felt the holy spirits comfort, peace, and a knowing that HE understands.  HE understands my longing to be with the one I’ve loved – the one who was physically and tangibly a part of my life.  The one I could touch, talk to and had built a life with. And in this tension, I believe Jesus understands my humanness as I’ve been torn between the unseen - and - the seen and my deep – deep longing to be with and see both Jesus and Tim. 

As I continue to process this - I rest in the knowing that my love for Jesus is through a glass dimly, and I DO long for the day I'll see him face-to-face; and with each passing day I believe God can use my longing to see Tim as a tool to make me so much more aware of Jesus, heaven and what awaits me.

Grief from the loss of a spouse is a journey each and everyone of us will face at some point in our lifetime (unless Jesus returns 1^st). For me, it has truly been the hardest life experience I’ve ever been called to walk through.  It’s painful - it’s hard - it’s lonely.  Yet, in the depth of such heartache – I’ve experienced Jesus in ways I could have never experience had I not walked this road of suffering. And, with each step I continue to take, Jesus’ promise found in Isaiah 61:3 remain true:

 “to provide for those who grieve – to give them a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise for a spirit of despair. So, they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that HE may be glorified.”

From the moment I stood beside Tim’s hospital bed – praying and begging God to give me supernatural wisdom and strength to surrender to the path of ‘widowhood’ he was calling me too. Crying out for strength, wisdom and courage to lead my family through the most devastating loss we could ever face. Each step, each moment, and each day God continues to meet me at every corner and every turn.  He’s been faithful in fulfilling his promise to me and I know beyond a shadow of doubt, he has a beautiful plan for my life.  Although there are days I feel as though I’ve lost everything – Jesus continues to meet me in the middle of my valley - offering water to my dry and partched soul, proving he’s in control and I can trust him -because he is trustworthy. And when I feel like I’ve lost everything - he continually whispers, “you’ve not lost ME.”