Grief and Joy

People often ask me if the big moments - like holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are the hardest to navigate without Tim?  On one hand the answer is absolutely yes!  Then, on the other hand the answer is no!  Living my everyday life, the ordinary - my daily routine often feels the hardest.

It’s in the: 

• missing our morning breakfasts we enjoyed together - everyday 
• longing to hear his voice - to glean his advice.....just one more time 
• missing his love for the word and prayer - and how he prayed with and over me 
• making his favorite foods longing for one more meal together
• missing his personality - he was quiet...but so funny - because he wasn't funny
• laying my head on his chest at night, remembering how I loved our night time talks and having him there as I fell asleep 
• visiting our favorite coffee shop or restaurant - knowing exactly what he’d order - but now, only ordering for one
• I miss seeing his things in my closet - I miss his love for nice things - his custom shirts, and all of his shoes - and how particular he was with his things - especially his car
• missing his encouraging text messages - wishing to see his name pop up on my phone - just one more time
• feeling as though half of me has been misplaced or lost
• hearing the sound of the garage door, knowing he had made it home safe at the end of a long day
• watching his favorite TV shows together - hearing his laugh and commentary
• being home alone - longing for him to simply be here
• hearing the strum of a guitar - remembering his love of music, and being thankful that his final moment on this earth was doing something he loved
• watching our grandkids growing up - and feeling sadness that he's not hear to see what precious little people they are growing into

It's in my moment by moment - my everyday - the ebbs and flows of life that I miss him most!  The tension between what was - and what now is. Learning to live life with a limp of sorts, walking with a new cadence without him; and knowing at the depth of my core that loss and grief will be the hardest thing I'll ever be called and asked to walk through.  

Pressing in, knowing that loss and grief can live and walk hand in hand -side by side with joy and happiness; and believing that Tim would be so proud of me for choosing joy - even in the midst of the hard. I know he would encourage me to keep moving forward allowing my pain - to have a purpose and to use my story, my experience for HIS glory. For with each step I take - when fear and worry have tried to creep in - Jesus has brought me courage.  And when I've felt alone  - Jesus has been there - all along, right beside me. And it's been in my daily choosing to let the charred remains of what my life was, to be turned into something beautiful. 

With each passing month, the heavy weight of loss and grief aren’t as strong and intense as they once were. Yes, the tears still come but in my remembering I often do so with a smile ..... more so than with tears. Intentionally remembering happier times and how blessed I was.  Remembering and being so thankful for how Jesus has carried me and blessed me with each step I take and knowing he has ONLY good in store for me.

Loss and grief have forever changed the person that I am.  I now see Jesus, and people thru a different lens - a lens that only loss & grief could have produced. And, today, as I celebrate Tim’s 17th month in heaven......I remind myself and find great comfort and joy in knowing - I’m one day closer to heaven!!🙏🏻😇🕊💗⚓️