The tension between what was - - and what is

While walking through loss and grief, much wrestling has taken place in the depths of my heart, soul and mind as I continue to process such agonizing change.

Death is so final.  There's no going back - only moving forward. And in the midst of taking steps my heart continues to find comfort in that I wouldn't go back to life as I once knew it....even if I could. Let me explain that thought from my perspective.

The moment my precious husband slipped through the veil into the presence of our holy, majestic Savior - - I knew that he would never chose to come back, even if he could.  Although Tim loved me with his entire heart - meeting Jesus face to face - - would wipe away any longing to be here with me as his greatest hearts desire of being in heaven, with Jesus was now fulfilled.

In Tim's death I'm choosing to believe it's a win/win for both of us.  He's won because he's experiencing eternal life with Jesus.  He's won - because God's most perfect, sovereign plan for his life was fulfilled and it was time for him to meet Jesus face to face. 

I'm winning, because as I walk thru loss and grief, eternity and the promise of heaven has been chiseled ever SO deeply within my heart.  My stance has changed.  My focus has changed.  My hopes and dreams have changed. I've changed.  I respond differently to those in need. My level of compassion and care has been stretched. I view and look at life SO differently. And, in the midst of it all - I continue to see God's unfailing faithfulness to me and my heart.

I've grown in my understanding of God's sovereign plan in and for my life. He allows nothing into my life to harm me - but rather - if I'm willing to dig in - do the hard work which transforms my life - the hard is worth it all as it leads me to seeing his perfect plan.

Each day, as I walk through the fire and through the waters - he's proven that he will never let me go.  He moment by moment gently continues to whisper in my ear.- you've got this - you can do it - keep gripping my hand - I'll never leave your nor forsake you - you are not alone.

I'm so thankful that HE knows how my story ends - and in the in-between - in the tension of what was and what is to come I can rest in knowing he's writing a beautiful story. He promises beauty from ashes and until I fully see the beauty - I'll continue to press in allowing him to do the hard, cultivating, work that will ultimately lead me to my greatest hope and longing - eternity FOREVER!