Mile Marker - Two Years

Tim,

It's been 2 years - 24 months - 730 day - 17,520 hours - 1,051,200 minutes and 63,072,000 seconds that I've navigated this life without you; and I never imagined I'd need to survive 1 day without you, let alone 2 years.  Yet here I am, walking a reality I would have never chosen yet knowing in my heart, God's plan is perfect and he doesn't make mistakes even if his plan causes me pain. I keep reminding myself that there is a purpose in all of this, and I'm seeing beauty rise up from the ashes.

They say the second year of walking in and through grief is much harder than year one, and I'd have to say, I agree!  The first year I learned to adjust to not having you here; daily reminders that this wasn't something I'd wake up from, instead, it was my reality.  Year two, had me navigate and grieve not just you, but every detail, aspect, dream and hope we had experienced, built and shared together.  How does one pivot, in an instant and change direction and then recover after the loss of a spouse?  Shifting from our plans, our dreams, our future as a couple - to me learning to be alone, learning to plan and figuring out a future without you?

Year two - great tension as I've learned it's ok to forget pieces of my heart that I clung to so tightly in year one. Realizing I've walked thru a Monday - a - Thursday, or the 9th and the 12th of a month and I didn't remember - the hard memories of those 2 days that have been etched so deeply in my heart.  Somedays it feels as though you've been gone one day - others, it seems like a lifetime.  And then, there are times I find myself straining to remember the sound of your voice, the sound of your laughter and your wittiness. Yet, as I sit with and navigate my grief, I know this is all part of the healing process.

Year two has also magnified just how much I miss talking to you.  Although I enjoy quiet, reflection and alone time, the stillness, the quiet at times is so very deafening. You know better than anyone that I'm a thinker, a processor, a hasheroutter (is that even a word?? This is where you'd grin and tell me no! 😜) and I miss and long to share my days, my heart, my thoughts my questions and my concerns with you.  I always said you were the BEST girlfriend I could ever have - because you 'got me', you understood me so well, and you were ALWAYS so patient, and willing to sit and listen, and listen, and listen again. The absence of this treasured, priceless gift you provided me has left a gapping hole in my heart and life.  Yet as I navigate all that swirls in my head and heart, the toughest piece is learning to make decisions without you.  You know better than anyone that I don't like making wrong choices - and not having you here often leaves me feeling paralyzed, and so indecisive.  Yet, with each decision I've had to make - I've felt great comfort in knowing that Jesus is walking along side of me, and his heart is for me, and he promises to take care of me; and I've learning that God doesn't have a 'Plan B' for my life, instead, he's creating, fashioning and building a beautiful chapter 2.

Although the dreams we shared will never be, I KNOW that God has an amazing plan and purpose for me and I'm feeling somewhat unsettled (in a good way) knowing that even when I don't see the entirety of God's plan for me, I know he's working and making a way.  I continue pressing into him more than ever before, knowing that in this season, I can trust him. Walking through the valley of the shadow of death has taught me that HIS faithfulness continues to carry me through the most devastating season of my life - losing you - so I can trust him to continue to carry me as I walk into the future because he only has good in store for me. 

As I begin to think about my future, I remember standing on the ocean shores of Maui on the last day of my vacation this past January.  As I looked out as far as I could see and the ocean touched the sky, I intentionally listened to the waves crashing against the shore, breathing in the salty air, tears streaming down my face praying, asking God to speak to my heart - and give me a confirmation that he was working all things out for my good, and that he had a plan even if I couldn't see it? I then put my ear buds in and the song, Beauty for Ashes by Chris McClarney came on, and in that moment, peace filled my heart, and mind and I knew beyond a shadow of doubt, that although my life, my old dreams, and hopes ended in ashes - he's promised me beauty.

He's proven over and over again to me that HE is a good...good Father - and he has a beautiful purpose for what I'm walking in and through.  With each step, I remind myself that this life is a vapor and eternity is forever; and as I navigate my steps, I'll continue to honor you as I follow the plans Jesus lays out for me. And, I know beyond a shadow of doubt, you are smiling down, so proud of me for doing the hard work (you were a great teacher) of walking towards healing and trusting Jesus.

And with each passing day, I long for the day when I'll see you again; but until then, I'll LOVE you forever, and I'll see you soon....in the twinkling of an eye.....