Blessed, that Goodbye's are so hard

Since January I've sensed a restlessness in my heart - in a good way - feeling as though change was coming. 

Most know that within the first month of Tim's passing I changed EVERYTHING in my life, except my job; and my job was the one thing Tim and I had agreed (weeks before he passed away) I needed to change. After Tim's passing, I didn't have the strength or clarity to look for a new job - so I stayed - knowing that eventually I'd need to make a change. Then one day, six week into quarantine (working from home) I casually mentioned to a dear friend that the best thing that could happen to me was if my company furloughed me.  We laughed, but we both knew I needed a break - I needed time away - I needed a push to reflect and think about my future.  Then, the very next day, I was furloughed - for 14 weeks!  

14 weeks off of work

14 weeks to process, think and pray

14 weeks to intentionally travel and spend time with family

14 weeks to seek God and watch him move

During this time off I've spent a lot of time reading, writing and praying that God would make his plan perfectly clear to and for me.  I saw this time off as a 'gift' from the Lord to rest, reflect, and continue processing my grief as I inched closer to the second anniversary of Tim's death. As I've sat, as I've listened and as I've processed this is what God has been revealing to my heart:

The FIRST year as I walked through loss and grief I adjusted to Tim being gone, and I learned how to live life alone, be by myself, navigate how I would 'live' each day, and I slowly started to find my footing. 

As I began the SECOND year of walking through loss I began to process grief in a much deeper way - and at a deeper level.  I was now keenly aware of every detail, every dream and every intimate piece of our marriage that I now needed to grieve, realizing I would never experience them again with Tim. (almost) 31 years of marriage required much unpacking of memories - knowing I had to grief each and everyone of them individually. Year two of grief (for me) was so much harder than year one. Yet in the heavy grieving, slowly my wounds began to heal - and scars began to form.  Scars, a sweet reminder of healing, a declaration that my Jesus is faithful, constant, loving, true and I'm finding healing in ways I never imagined.

As I now walk into year THREE - grief is still here - but not as all consuming, heavy and ever present as it once was.  I'm feeling God stirring me, leading me as I begin to dream about my future, penning my hopes, my dreams, my hearts longings, knowing God has an amazing plans for my future. My days of being alone aren't as heavy, and sadness is no longer a cloak I carry around my neck. Yes, I still miss Tim terribly, but with each passing day - as I look back and remember, I see God's faithfulness.  So many days he has carried me when I couldn't stand on my own two feet - he's gripped my hand ever so tightly helping me put one foot in front of the other when I wanted to stand still.  Now, I'm living with a sense that he's loosening his grip on my hand because I'm finding my footing, I'm finding my confidence knowing that he hasn't left me, nor will he and I can move forward taking steps of FAITH into the amazing future and plans he has for me.

Over the past few months I've felt confident that God has called me to make and take a BIG step.  A step that is unknown, a step that is very unfamiliar, a step that is requiring me to seek him like never before. A step I believe he is leading me into, where he's asking me,

"Kim, do you trust ME?

He's asking me,

"Kim, are you willing to follow where I'm leading you even if much is unknown?"

One thing I've learned thru my journey is this: God loves me and he's sustained me through my darkest night, so I know I can trust him with my future, even if I don't have all of the pieces and details worked out; and as I walk into the unknown I don't need to worry, BECAUSE he knows! He knows my beginnings from my end - and he's ordering EVERY one of my steps.

As I follow his leading and his plan, I've been packing up the life I've known - the life I've lived the past 25 years here in MN as I prepare to move down I-35 to Texas with Andrew, Rachel and their little family.  I've been processing much as I think about leaving behind 25 years of life - 25 years of memories we built as a family of 4 and then as a family of 11. It's bittersweet.....as I leave behind so many memories of Tim here and move to a new city - a new state that holds no memories of us together.  Yet, in the unknown I have peace and I'm excited to see all of the amazing new memories God has in store for me.  

My life here in MN has held some of my hardest life experiences, and at the same time some of the sweetest memories.  Over the past 2 years I've been BLESSED with so many precious friends and a church family who have stepped into my loss and grief and they've loved me well.  I could never adequately express through written words how precious these gift are and continue to be in my life. Many have stepped into the world of a widow and offered a safe place, love, encouragement, support, laughter and friendship. I'll miss each of you dearly; but I'll be back to visit as I have family in WI, and my daughter-in-law's family is from MN.

Am I nervous?  YES

Am I excited? YES

Am I at peace? YES

As I take this step I know and believe this is part of God's sovereign plan for my life and for my next. And with each step I take, I'll lean into his amazing presence knowing in this new season he's stirring much in my heart - and he's helping my heart to dream again......and with each dream he reveals, establishes and brings forth, healing will continue to do it's work in and thru me.

As I navigate and process this huge change, I've been reminded of this quote: 'how lucky BLESSED I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." Winnie the Pooh