Available

The past few weeks the song Available (Elevation Worship) has been on repeat; (I’ve linked the song below) and each time I hear the song, my heart finds comfort in the words penned as I continue on my journey thru the ebbs and flows of loss and grief.   Now, 22 months in I’m still learning that there are many layers that need to be peeled back, processed, worked on and walked through.  Adding to the mix a pandemic, and the reality of what I have lost has enhanced, I've found myself walking through and processing much:

good days - bad days  

happiness - sadness 

laughter - tears  

joy - sorrow

tension - walking a tight rope as the movement of time continues to find me standing on the edge of what was - straining to see what’s up ahead - while starring at the broken, charred pieces of my life.  Pieces held in my hands; precious reminders, remnants of a life I once knew - a life I loved - a life I treasured - a life I lived. Longing to align the rough edges, hoping to put the pieces back together - knowing, that as hard as I try, I, in my own strength cannot rebuild beauty from the broken pieces of my life. 

In these moment, I’m reminded that when I don’t know what to do -  my greatest weapon is found in my praise and worship.  As I posture my heart towards worship - my stance turns to one of surrender -  wholly and completely.  (2 Chronicles 20: 21-25)  Open hands - lifting and offering all of my brokenness as a sacrifice - an act of surrender - that says, 

“Lord - I’m available - take the broken pieces of a life I once knew -  mold them, shape them, use what you may to rebuild, and remove that which is no longer needed and create a beautiful tapestry out of the remnants of my life."

Being “available” - stretching - lifting my broken pieces - releasing my will, my plans, my desires and resting in the knowing that only HE can transform the ashes of my life into something beautiful, even when I can’t see it, and when I don't feel it.

In my waiting - in my surrender - hands lifted saying yes Lord, - I’m available, may my heart always reflect this thought:

“ Here is a sheep so utterly satisfied with its lot in life, so fully contented with the care it receives, so much ‘at home’ with the shepherd that there is not a shred of desire for change. “ A Shepherd Looks at Psalms

May my waiting - my surrender - my availability find me ‘content’. Content in the love and care HE - my great Shepherd provides.  Knowing it is unending and as long as I stay close to the him I have nothing to fear.

I’m learning that grief isn’t an event I can pass through, or get rid of.  Rather, grief will walk with me, all the days of life - and as I daily say,

“I’m available Lord - use me as you may”

my grief, my loss, my story will be used as a conduit - ministering hope and a knowing, that even in the darkest of nights, in the valley of the shadow of death - his plans and purpose are good. May my heart be inclined to always lean towards - being available.

Available-Elevation Worship