mile marker ----7

I've walked 187 days since:

• I kissed your good-bye 
• whispered in your ear that it was ok to go....and that I'd be ok
• held your hand as it slipped from mine, into eternity
• watched you take your last breathe
• stood with our children and my parents as we watched you slip into eternity
• wept, sang, prayed and rejoiced all at the same time for the precious gift you are
• walked down that long ICU hallway for the last time knowing I'd never see you again this side of heaven

My heart is so thankful for sweet....sweet...memories....

• all the nights you'd bring home my favorite treats...just because
• spending Saturday nights watching all of our favorite programs we recorded during the week
• our Friday night dates....every week
• Saturday Starbuck runs
• your sense of humor....the way you'd tease me and how you made me laugh like no other
• the way I'd catch your eye in a crowd, and you'd give me that cute little wink
• your handwritten notes that you'd leave for me....reminding me of how much I was loved

I've missed you in so many ways.....

• our late night pillow talks---every night
• holding my hand as we'd fall asleep
• how you poured such wisdom into my heart and helped me process so many things
• daily hearing you tell me how beautiful I was and that you were the lucky one
• your prayers for me...each morning before I left for work, and each night before I'd fall asleep
• waking up....and finding you next to me
• your hugs...

As each month turns into a new mile marker, the reality of my loss becomes more real.  And it's been during these months Jesus continues to tenderly reveal such truths to my heart....

• HE is faithful-he never stops working on my behalf
• HE is gracious-he provides my every need
• HE is wise-what he does is always best
• HE is sovereign-his plan is perfect for my life
• HE is powerful-his ways are highter than mine
• HE is loving-he always has my best interests at heart

Phil 1:6----'he who began a good work in me WILL bring it to completion.'

I've learned....

• you don't begin to live...until you've lost something SO important--I now look at life so differently
• I often don't know what to do....but I know who to go to....
• every acceptance of HIS will becomes an altar of sacrifice, and every such surrender and abandonment of myself to his will is a means of furthering me on the way to the high places to which he desires to bring every child of his while they are still living on earth.
• as hard as it is....I daily continue to find Jesus...in the waiting.  Waiting is NOT easy...but it is necessary
• my difficulties today...will one day be easer to carry
• his mercies are new every morning...and after a long hard day...I'm thankful for this reminder
• grief is like the tide...it often comes in waves of extreme heaviness...and then as quickly as it overtakes, it recedes

As I begin to walk towards the next mile marker, I'm standing on his promise that he's not done with me. I'm resting in the  knowing that he has a perfect plan, and his promises remain and are true for me. And...I'm going to be OK.....

(to hear the song...click the link below)

Your Gonna Be Ok

I know it's all you've got to just be strong

And it's a fight just to keep it together

I know you think that you are too far gone

But hope is never lost

Hope is never lost

Hold on, don't let go

Hold on, don't let go

Just take one step closer

Put one foot in front of the other

You'll get through this

Just follow the light in the darkness

You're gonna be ok

I know your heart is heavy from those nights

But just remember that you are a fighter

You never know just what tomorrow holds

And you're stronger than you know

You're stronger than you know

Hold on, don't let go

Hold on, don't let go

Just take one step closer

Put one foot in front of the other

You'll get through this

Just follow the light in the darkness

You're gonna be ok

Just take one step closer

Put one… 

Surrender....

Over the past (almost) 5 months I’ve been wrestling with the notion of surrender. Webster defines surrender as: giving up, giving way, backing down, caving in, relenting.  From an earthly perspective I’ve done all of the above since Tim passed away. I’ve ‘given up’ all of the hopes and dreams that he and I had planned for our future and with his death...our hopes and dreams as a couple died that day. 

Tim was (as was referenced at his celebration of life service) extremely methodical and meticulous. He was a planner, to a fault! He had notes, goals and strategies that would get us from here------to there-----as we ‘planned’ for our future. He was a cautious person----never wanting to make a rash decision----rather he’d pray about everything----muling things over, over, and over again always wanting to make sure he was making the right decision. 

As I stood by Tim’s hospital bed on July 12th and said my final good-bye, I not only said good-bye to him, but I knew that when I walked out that door I would be walking away from the life I once knew, and from that moment forward, nothing would be the same again. 

We were standing on the shores of the promise land (so to speak) as we were ‘finally’ (from the worldly perspective) seeing amazing things ahead. Tim loved him job, we had settled on the perfect dream home plans, we had found the perfect lot to build on, we were picking out our furniture….we found a church home, we had just had our 5th grandchild and we were eagerly anticipating our 6th grandchild coming soon...life was good. Yet in an instant, my life changed forever. 

As I’ve continued to take one step at a time moving forward thru my grief God has been tenderly guiding me day by day,  hour by hour….and minute by minute some days. His presence has been tangible, and his peace has wrapped me like a warm blanket. In the midst of such grief, I'm SO thankful that from the moment I said my final good-bye to Tim and I walked out of his hospital room knowing it would be the last time I would see him here on earth, I’ve not had one moment of fear, nor one sleepless night. I truly feel carried by the Lord. 

Yet it's been in my wrestling with the Lord, the questioning ‘why’ and trying to understand his plan, I’ve been drawn to glean from what HIS perspective is on surrender. I believe from HIS perspective surrender means that I yield ownership of my life, I relinquish control over what I considered mine, and I simply acknowledge that what I ‘own’ really belongs to HIM. He is the giver of all things and my responsibility is to simply care for what he’s given me. Jesus is ultimately in control of all of my circumstances, and he’s asking of me to come to him with open hands, lifted in prayer, rather than coming to him with tight, clenched fists. For it's in my yielding..my surrendering he can do his best work in my heart and life.

Surrender is my choosing to have my mind and my thoughts line up with what my heart knows to be true and that is, Jesus has a perfect plan for my life. Although my life looks completely different today, than it did on July 8th, 2018 I’m choosing to stand at the gate, eye’s fixed on Jesus knowing, and believing that he’s still a good..good God, and that he is not finished with me yet. Although circumstances may say the bottoms fallen out, I'm choosing to let HIM catch me and carry me into my future.

Jeremiah 29:11 speaks this promise so clearly to my heart: “For I KNOW the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and NOT harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” 

Although Tim is no longer here, I believe without a shadow of a doubt, and with all my heart that the foundation, plans and purposes the Lord had for his life, WILL be carried on thru my life, and in and thru the life of my daughter Ashley, my son Andrew and my precious grandchildren, Aviyah, Jackson, Norah, Ellie, Judah and Eva. 

Tim often said, ‘Kim, the ladder years of our life will be SO much greater than our former.’ And I know he’s right…for him…he’s in the presence of Jesus, face to face, experiencing things my mind cannot even fathom or imagine. And me, God’s been so faithful.....stirring things in my heart, and I know he's doing a new thing. I’m not sure how my future looks, or whats ahead but I know that God’s plan is perfect, and he’s going before me, and he WILL make beauty from my ashes.

I read this quote which so resonated with my heart. It says, 

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks. Its insides come out. Everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth it would look like complete destruction.” 

I know I'm not facing destruction but rather growth as I lean into Jesus, and as hard as the journey thru grief is, it's my greatest desire that in my crushing and my pressing Jesus make new wine out of my life. For it’s in the crushing, pressing, and me choosing to allow God to stripe away all that was familiar to me----he will use my life, my experiences, and my journey to minister to others walking the road of grief.

Tim loved to tell me often.....'you are my sugar in a worId of salt.'  My prayer over the past 5 months (and will continue to be my prayer) is that my journey thru grief leaves a trail of a sweet fragrance, even when the road ahead seems so very...very....long, hard and unknown.

Each and everyone of us face some sort of crushing and pressing in our lives.  It might be a difficult marriage, finances, a wayward child, a job loss or a health issue.  Regardless of what we face, if we willingly step into the pain, hands raised and open....God can do his best work within and thru us. It's not always about getting 'thru' our pain, but rather...the journey/the process of move forward with our pain. It is in our trusting, even when we do not understand and allowing Jesus to do his best work within us that changes us even if our situation and circumstance don't.

In closing, I leave you with this beautiful song from Hillsong called: New Wine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ozGKlOzEVc

In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making
New wine
In the soil, 
I Now surrender
You are breaking
New ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don't need to understand
Make me Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever 
You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all 
You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
In the crushing
In the pressing
You are making
New wine
In the soil, 
I Now surrender
You are breaking
New ground 
(hey)You are breaking
New ground
So make me 
Your vessel
Make me an offering
Make me whatever You want me to be
I came here with nothing
But all You have given me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
Jesus, bring new wine out of me
'Cause where there is new wine
There is new power
There…