Welcome to Widowing Well with Hope

Hi friends,

Thank you for joining me here.  My name is Kim Berndt and I'm the founder of 'Widowing Well with Hope'. I began my blogging journey back in 2006 and over the past 17 years it has evolved from fun family content, to a soft landing space for a heart devastated as I began my journey into loss and grief.

My happily ever after began August 15, 1987 when I married my husband Tim and soon after our children (Ashley & Andrew) joined our family.  We experienced ups and downs, joys and sorrow, yet nothing prepared my heart for July 9th, 2018.

It was a beautiful sunny Monday morning. Tim and I enjoyed our morning routine of eating breakfast together as we sipped on our coffee chatting about our day.  He then prayed with me, kissed me good-bye and we each headed into our day.  Little did I know that before the day would end, my life as I knew it would change in an instant.

We were laughing, and Tim was teasing me (as he often did) as we were winding down our day.  I decided to do some reading and Tim headed into his music studio to strum a little on his guitars.  As I read, I heard a loud noise thinking something had fallen in our garage, so I ignored it.  A few minutes had passed when I realized I no longer heard Tim playing his guitar, so I casually got up to go see what the noise was.

As I entered the door of his studio, I found him on the floor unresponsive. I knew immediately that he was having a heart attack. I tried to wake him, I begged him to breathe; realizing I needed help I ran to grab my phone calling 911 as I began CPR. As I held Tim in my arms, I knew he wouldn't make it, and the next 3 days in the cardiac ICU, proved what my heart already knew.  Tim would meet Jesus.

On Thursday, July 19th, 2018 at 2:32pm our family walked Tim to Jesus.  I've said it over and over again, but there is NOTHING as sacred and holy as handing the hand of the one you LOVE most...to Jesus.  Feeling the Holy Spirit's presence so tangibly over the 3 days in the ICU, I became keenly aware that the vail between heaven and earth is so thin, and oh how I wished Jesus would have returned...to take us all with him.

Over the past 5 years I've dug deep into my grief knowing that the only way through ~ was to move through each and every painstakingly difficult piece of grief that my heart held. So may broken shattered pieces of a life once lived, holding them in my hands asking the Lord how in the world would I ever be whole again?

Each step, feeling Holy Spirits presence so near, has proven that he does rebuild beautiful in and thru our lives.  As the broken shattered piece of my life were put back together, I now look nothing like I did before death. Yet, in the process I've grown in ways I never knew I could, and the depth of LOVE I have for Jesus is inexplainable.

Widows never like to be told that they are 'strong'; however I've gained a level of strength and purpose that could have only come through the valley of the shadow of death. 

My HOPE is that as you journey with me you'll find a safe place that holds tenderly the broken pieces you carrying as we link arms walking towards JOY & HOPE.  I promise you, they are just on the other side.

#hope #joy #rebuildingbeautiful #bettertogether #beautyforashes #faith

Seasons

 Grief continues to be a great teacher in my life.  At times, she's gentle - offering sweet memories and treasured moments that bring comfort to my heart and tears of happier times.  Then at times, she's harsh and relenting with the heavy blows that crash into me, leaving me breathless navigating gut wrenchingly hard tears that leave me feeling as though I may never live to tell of her story of survival.

Grief, quickly drove me into a winter season - a season of death where life as I once knew it, was gone and with it, came devastation in ways I never knew.  As I continue to navigate loss I've studied and reflected on the seasons of life and how they parallel with the seasons of nature, and in it,  I've found great comfort.  

During the winter season, trees go through a process called dormancy, which is a period of time when their growth and development stops.  Temporarily.  A trees metabolism slows down significantly and this helps the tree to conserve more energy for the colder winter months ahead. Water becomes a scarce resource, and although the tree is dormant - they are in a resting phase with essential life processes continuing at a minimal rate.

During winter, the trees roots are resting and this season is extremely important for the health of the tree.  In this resting season, the tree is preparing for spring - where seeds are being produced. 

Grief - so closely parallel's the harsh winter season in nature.  When death hit, everything stopped. I could only focus on the next step - the next thing I had to do.  Like a tree, I felt like my life was dormant - and I thought my life was over.  Growing and moving forward were words I simply could not wrap my head around.  Yet in this season, the Lord continued to provide his living waters to nourish my parched soul. Unlike the tree, HIS living water wasn't a scarce resource - it was my only resource!

As I've pressed into him...year one...year two...year three and as I walk into year four I'm beginning to see and feel spring as buds of new life beginning to grow.  I find myself walking in and with more joy, peace and contentment. Yet, I'm not naive to know that just like the transition from winter to spring still blows in days where winter reappears and tries to wipe out all of the spring growth the ebbs and flows of grief do the same.

Yet, as I'm beginning to see and walk in the promises of spring, Jesus continues to be so tender and kind with my heart.  Hopes and dreams are being birthed  - things I never would have anticipated dreaming about 3 years ago are now things I'm processing and working through. Yet, in my dreaming he continues to woo me with this thought:

"Kim, place every hope & dream into my hands for in your obedience, I will bless you with something even greater.  When you willingly give up what you want and it feels hard and like a sacrifice, and the waiting seems long - know that it won't compare to the joy of what I will give you in exchange.  I've placed these hopes and dreams within you, so rest in me and watch me move.  And in your waiting, I long to draw you close to me so that your devotion to me is rewarded with things that are above and beyond what your heart desires.  I promise, that as you press into me, you will experience my presence is such a tangible way that you will not be distracted by what the world says you should chase after, and you will be surprised and in awe of my goodness and my faithfulness when I show up."

  

Picking up the shattered pieces, and turning them into peace

It's been 6 months since I've moved to Texas and 929 days of walking in and through unimaginable change, yet in the process growth that continually propels me towards healing, and learning to live from a posture of surrender.

As I stood on the shores of 2020, I felt the Lord calling me to a year of REST. Although I didn’t know how or what that would look like I felt in my spirit that 10 days in Maui would be pivotal in quieting my heart as I leaned in to hear his voice. 

By the end of January I felt the Holy Spirit confirming that he was calling me away from my church in MN. My church and many within her walls had been a rock during my grief journey; and although I didn’t know how that would look, or where he would send me, I tucked those words in my heart and began to seek the Lord for direction.

As I headed Into April I was furloughed from my job a day after I shared with a precious friend that I WISHED I would be furloughed to have necessary time for rest and deeper healing. God answered. :-)

I then began to experience more rest and healing as I traveled and spent time with my parents in WI and with both of my kids and their families for 3 weeks in Charlotte. 

As June was coming to a close, Andrew and Rachel felt the pieces were coming together for them to follow the Lords call to move to Fort Worth, and since I had nothing tying me to Minneapolis I packed up 25 years of life and decided to move with them.

Walking into the fall, I continue to lean into HIM as I was navigating a new city, no job, no friends, and needing to find a home church.

And, just like God always does, he moved in ways that proved his plans were undeniable.  He opened a door for an amazing job and working with a boss that I simply LOVE.  He lead me to the most amazing church family, that has been so instrumental in my spiritual growth, and I’m slowly meeting people and feeling like this is home.

A season of REST......not doing….but simply sitting and being in his presence. 

As the holidays approached, they honestly were the hardest I’ve had to navigate so far.  Perhaps it was because the shock had worn off and I’m now living in a new reality?  Perhaps it was because everything in my life had changed, and nothing remained the same, and everything seemed so unfamiliar?(Except for my AMAZING family) Or, perhaps it was so the Lord could continue to do a deep healing work in my heart?

Often, throughout the past 2 1/2 years there have been times when I’ve felt I’ve carried a spirit of heaviness like a cloak around my neck.  Some days, I've felt so consumed by it yet I easily hid behind my smile not wanting to burden anyone with the heaviness of my grief, because let's face it, we as a society do not know how to walk along side of the grieving.

As I walked into 2021, my spirit felt that the Lord was preparing me for a new season.  I intentionally joined my church family on a 21 day fast, believing that this year would be a year of the  ‘supernatural’ in my life, and I’ve already seen the Lord move in amazing ways.  In ways that only he could and his peace that passeth ALL understanding has been so comforting to me, and I no longer feel or carry grief and it’s heaviness like a cloak. Yes, I still miss Tim, but my grief has shifted and I’m finding joy and hope even in the midst of loss.

As I reflect on the Lords continual faithfulness I'm often taken back to a passage found in Genesis 45:7-9 which says, 

‘For it was God who sent me here.”

I know…that I know…that I know…..that God’s perfect, sovereign plan sent me and called me to become a widow on July 12, 2018 at the age of 49.  Although this isn’t the plan I had for my life, I continue to see God’s comfort, peace, joy and promises unfolding and with each step I take he continues to shift my prayers from: 

‘Please, Lord, shield me from every trial, and protect me from pain - - -  and I now pray:

“Lord, allow whatever dreams to shatter that will release my heart to meet yours, that will empower me to REST in your love, and sovereign plan, no matter the cost or how empty and desperate I may feel; and please reveal the beauty of your life to me and through me.”

Happiness and Sorrow run so very deep and wide, yet HOPE continues to carry me knowing that he’s proven himself FAITHFUL to me each step, and he will never leave me, nor allow anything in my life that won’t make me more and more into his image.

As I look at the shattered pieces of my life, I continue to see my sweet Jesus picking up each precious piece, and creating amazing ‘peace’ within my heart.

The Lord has truly shifted my mourning into dancing, and my eyes are fixed on him, RESTING in his promise to rebuild beautiful in and through my life.

#onedayclosertoeternity

Blessed, that Goodbye's are so hard

Since January I've sensed a restlessness in my heart - in a good way - feeling as though change was coming. 

Most know that within the first month of Tim's passing I changed EVERYTHING in my life, except my job; and my job was the one thing Tim and I had agreed (weeks before he passed away) I needed to change. After Tim's passing, I didn't have the strength or clarity to look for a new job - so I stayed - knowing that eventually I'd need to make a change. Then one day, six week into quarantine (working from home) I casually mentioned to a dear friend that the best thing that could happen to me was if my company furloughed me.  We laughed, but we both knew I needed a break - I needed time away - I needed a push to reflect and think about my future.  Then, the very next day, I was furloughed - for 14 weeks!  

14 weeks off of work

14 weeks to process, think and pray

14 weeks to intentionally travel and spend time with family

14 weeks to seek God and watch him move

During this time off I've spent a lot of time reading, writing and praying that God would make his plan perfectly clear to and for me.  I saw this time off as a 'gift' from the Lord to rest, reflect, and continue processing my grief as I inched closer to the second anniversary of Tim's death. As I've sat, as I've listened and as I've processed this is what God has been revealing to my heart:

The FIRST year as I walked through loss and grief I adjusted to Tim being gone, and I learned how to live life alone, be by myself, navigate how I would 'live' each day, and I slowly started to find my footing. 

As I began the SECOND year of walking through loss I began to process grief in a much deeper way - and at a deeper level.  I was now keenly aware of every detail, every dream and every intimate piece of our marriage that I now needed to grieve, realizing I would never experience them again with Tim. (almost) 31 years of marriage required much unpacking of memories - knowing I had to grief each and everyone of them individually. Year two of grief (for me) was so much harder than year one. Yet in the heavy grieving, slowly my wounds began to heal - and scars began to form.  Scars, a sweet reminder of healing, a declaration that my Jesus is faithful, constant, loving, true and I'm finding healing in ways I never imagined.

As I now walk into year THREE - grief is still here - but not as all consuming, heavy and ever present as it once was.  I'm feeling God stirring me, leading me as I begin to dream about my future, penning my hopes, my dreams, my hearts longings, knowing God has an amazing plans for my future. My days of being alone aren't as heavy, and sadness is no longer a cloak I carry around my neck. Yes, I still miss Tim terribly, but with each passing day - as I look back and remember, I see God's faithfulness.  So many days he has carried me when I couldn't stand on my own two feet - he's gripped my hand ever so tightly helping me put one foot in front of the other when I wanted to stand still.  Now, I'm living with a sense that he's loosening his grip on my hand because I'm finding my footing, I'm finding my confidence knowing that he hasn't left me, nor will he and I can move forward taking steps of FAITH into the amazing future and plans he has for me.

Over the past few months I've felt confident that God has called me to make and take a BIG step.  A step that is unknown, a step that is very unfamiliar, a step that is requiring me to seek him like never before. A step I believe he is leading me into, where he's asking me,

"Kim, do you trust ME?

He's asking me,

"Kim, are you willing to follow where I'm leading you even if much is unknown?"

One thing I've learned thru my journey is this: God loves me and he's sustained me through my darkest night, so I know I can trust him with my future, even if I don't have all of the pieces and details worked out; and as I walk into the unknown I don't need to worry, BECAUSE he knows! He knows my beginnings from my end - and he's ordering EVERY one of my steps.

As I follow his leading and his plan, I've been packing up the life I've known - the life I've lived the past 25 years here in MN as I prepare to move down I-35 to Texas with Andrew, Rachel and their little family.  I've been processing much as I think about leaving behind 25 years of life - 25 years of memories we built as a family of 4 and then as a family of 11. It's bittersweet.....as I leave behind so many memories of Tim here and move to a new city - a new state that holds no memories of us together.  Yet, in the unknown I have peace and I'm excited to see all of the amazing new memories God has in store for me.  

My life here in MN has held some of my hardest life experiences, and at the same time some of the sweetest memories.  Over the past 2 years I've been BLESSED with so many precious friends and a church family who have stepped into my loss and grief and they've loved me well.  I could never adequately express through written words how precious these gift are and continue to be in my life. Many have stepped into the world of a widow and offered a safe place, love, encouragement, support, laughter and friendship. I'll miss each of you dearly; but I'll be back to visit as I have family in WI, and my daughter-in-law's family is from MN.

Am I nervous?  YES

Am I excited? YES

Am I at peace? YES

As I take this step I know and believe this is part of God's sovereign plan for my life and for my next. And with each step I take, I'll lean into his amazing presence knowing in this new season he's stirring much in my heart - and he's helping my heart to dream again......and with each dream he reveals, establishes and brings forth, healing will continue to do it's work in and thru me.

As I navigate and process this huge change, I've been reminded of this quote: 'how lucky BLESSED I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." Winnie the Pooh

Mile Marker - Two Years

Tim,

It's been 2 years - 24 months - 730 day - 17,520 hours - 1,051,200 minutes and 63,072,000 seconds that I've navigated this life without you; and I never imagined I'd need to survive 1 day without you, let alone 2 years.  Yet here I am, walking a reality I would have never chosen yet knowing in my heart, God's plan is perfect and he doesn't make mistakes even if his plan causes me pain. I keep reminding myself that there is a purpose in all of this, and I'm seeing beauty rise up from the ashes.

They say the second year of walking in and through grief is much harder than year one, and I'd have to say, I agree!  The first year I learned to adjust to not having you here; daily reminders that this wasn't something I'd wake up from, instead, it was my reality.  Year two, had me navigate and grieve not just you, but every detail, aspect, dream and hope we had experienced, built and shared together.  How does one pivot, in an instant and change direction and then recover after the loss of a spouse?  Shifting from our plans, our dreams, our future as a couple - to me learning to be alone, learning to plan and figuring out a future without you?

Year two - great tension as I've learned it's ok to forget pieces of my heart that I clung to so tightly in year one. Realizing I've walked thru a Monday - a - Thursday, or the 9th and the 12th of a month and I didn't remember - the hard memories of those 2 days that have been etched so deeply in my heart.  Somedays it feels as though you've been gone one day - others, it seems like a lifetime.  And then, there are times I find myself straining to remember the sound of your voice, the sound of your laughter and your wittiness. Yet, as I sit with and navigate my grief, I know this is all part of the healing process.

Year two has also magnified just how much I miss talking to you.  Although I enjoy quiet, reflection and alone time, the stillness, the quiet at times is so very deafening. You know better than anyone that I'm a thinker, a processor, a hasheroutter (is that even a word?? This is where you'd grin and tell me no! 😜) and I miss and long to share my days, my heart, my thoughts my questions and my concerns with you.  I always said you were the BEST girlfriend I could ever have - because you 'got me', you understood me so well, and you were ALWAYS so patient, and willing to sit and listen, and listen, and listen again. The absence of this treasured, priceless gift you provided me has left a gapping hole in my heart and life.  Yet as I navigate all that swirls in my head and heart, the toughest piece is learning to make decisions without you.  You know better than anyone that I don't like making wrong choices - and not having you here often leaves me feeling paralyzed, and so indecisive.  Yet, with each decision I've had to make - I've felt great comfort in knowing that Jesus is walking along side of me, and his heart is for me, and he promises to take care of me; and I've learning that God doesn't have a 'Plan B' for my life, instead, he's creating, fashioning and building a beautiful chapter 2.

Although the dreams we shared will never be, I KNOW that God has an amazing plan and purpose for me and I'm feeling somewhat unsettled (in a good way) knowing that even when I don't see the entirety of God's plan for me, I know he's working and making a way.  I continue pressing into him more than ever before, knowing that in this season, I can trust him. Walking through the valley of the shadow of death has taught me that HIS faithfulness continues to carry me through the most devastating season of my life - losing you - so I can trust him to continue to carry me as I walk into the future because he only has good in store for me. 

As I begin to think about my future, I remember standing on the ocean shores of Maui on the last day of my vacation this past January.  As I looked out as far as I could see and the ocean touched the sky, I intentionally listened to the waves crashing against the shore, breathing in the salty air, tears streaming down my face praying, asking God to speak to my heart - and give me a confirmation that he was working all things out for my good, and that he had a plan even if I couldn't see it? I then put my ear buds in and the song, Beauty for Ashes by Chris McClarney came on, and in that moment, peace filled my heart, and mind and I knew beyond a shadow of doubt, that although my life, my old dreams, and hopes ended in ashes - he's promised me beauty.

He's proven over and over again to me that HE is a good...good Father - and he has a beautiful purpose for what I'm walking in and through.  With each step, I remind myself that this life is a vapor and eternity is forever; and as I navigate my steps, I'll continue to honor you as I follow the plans Jesus lays out for me. And, I know beyond a shadow of doubt, you are smiling down, so proud of me for doing the hard work (you were a great teacher) of walking towards healing and trusting Jesus.

And with each passing day, I long for the day when I'll see you again; but until then, I'll LOVE you forever, and I'll see you soon....in the twinkling of an eye.....

The tension between what was - - and what is

While walking through loss and grief, much wrestling has taken place in the depths of my heart, soul and mind as I continue to process such agonizing change.

Death is so final.  There's no going back - only moving forward. And in the midst of taking steps my heart continues to find comfort in that I wouldn't go back to life as I once knew it....even if I could. Let me explain that thought from my perspective.

The moment my precious husband slipped through the veil into the presence of our holy, majestic Savior - - I knew that he would never chose to come back, even if he could.  Although Tim loved me with his entire heart - meeting Jesus face to face - - would wipe away any longing to be here with me as his greatest hearts desire of being in heaven, with Jesus was now fulfilled.

In Tim's death I'm choosing to believe it's a win/win for both of us.  He's won because he's experiencing eternal life with Jesus.  He's won - because God's most perfect, sovereign plan for his life was fulfilled and it was time for him to meet Jesus face to face. 

I'm winning, because as I walk thru loss and grief, eternity and the promise of heaven has been chiseled ever SO deeply within my heart.  My stance has changed.  My focus has changed.  My hopes and dreams have changed. I've changed.  I respond differently to those in need. My level of compassion and care has been stretched. I view and look at life SO differently. And, in the midst of it all - I continue to see God's unfailing faithfulness to me and my heart.

I've grown in my understanding of God's sovereign plan in and for my life. He allows nothing into my life to harm me - but rather - if I'm willing to dig in - do the hard work which transforms my life - the hard is worth it all as it leads me to seeing his perfect plan.

Each day, as I walk through the fire and through the waters - he's proven that he will never let me go.  He moment by moment gently continues to whisper in my ear.- you've got this - you can do it - keep gripping my hand - I'll never leave your nor forsake you - you are not alone.

I'm so thankful that HE knows how my story ends - and in the in-between - in the tension of what was and what is to come I can rest in knowing he's writing a beautiful story. He promises beauty from ashes and until I fully see the beauty - I'll continue to press in allowing him to do the hard, cultivating, work that will ultimately lead me to my greatest hope and longing - eternity FOREVER!

Available

The past few weeks the song Available (Elevation Worship) has been on repeat; (I’ve linked the song below) and each time I hear the song, my heart finds comfort in the words penned as I continue on my journey thru the ebbs and flows of loss and grief.   Now, 22 months in I’m still learning that there are many layers that need to be peeled back, processed, worked on and walked through.  Adding to the mix a pandemic, and the reality of what I have lost has enhanced, I've found myself walking through and processing much:

good days - bad days  

happiness - sadness 

laughter - tears  

joy - sorrow

tension - walking a tight rope as the movement of time continues to find me standing on the edge of what was - straining to see what’s up ahead - while starring at the broken, charred pieces of my life.  Pieces held in my hands; precious reminders, remnants of a life I once knew - a life I loved - a life I treasured - a life I lived. Longing to align the rough edges, hoping to put the pieces back together - knowing, that as hard as I try, I, in my own strength cannot rebuild beauty from the broken pieces of my life. 

In these moment, I’m reminded that when I don’t know what to do -  my greatest weapon is found in my praise and worship.  As I posture my heart towards worship - my stance turns to one of surrender -  wholly and completely.  (2 Chronicles 20: 21-25)  Open hands - lifting and offering all of my brokenness as a sacrifice - an act of surrender - that says, 

“Lord - I’m available - take the broken pieces of a life I once knew -  mold them, shape them, use what you may to rebuild, and remove that which is no longer needed and create a beautiful tapestry out of the remnants of my life."

Being “available” - stretching - lifting my broken pieces - releasing my will, my plans, my desires and resting in the knowing that only HE can transform the ashes of my life into something beautiful, even when I can’t see it, and when I don't feel it.

In my waiting - in my surrender - hands lifted saying yes Lord, - I’m available, may my heart always reflect this thought:

“ Here is a sheep so utterly satisfied with its lot in life, so fully contented with the care it receives, so much ‘at home’ with the shepherd that there is not a shred of desire for change. “ A Shepherd Looks at Psalms

May my waiting - my surrender - my availability find me ‘content’. Content in the love and care HE - my great Shepherd provides.  Knowing it is unending and as long as I stay close to the him I have nothing to fear.

I’m learning that grief isn’t an event I can pass through, or get rid of.  Rather, grief will walk with me, all the days of life - and as I daily say,

“I’m available Lord - use me as you may”

my grief, my loss, my story will be used as a conduit - ministering hope and a knowing, that even in the darkest of nights, in the valley of the shadow of death - his plans and purpose are good. May my heart be inclined to always lean towards - being available.

Available-Elevation Worship

Faith in the midst of the unknown

Today marks 16 days of 'social distancing' which has resulted in a lot of alone time, and as I've been navigating this season, with the continual spool of news....this pandemic has intensified so much within my own heart.

So many triggers - so many feelings rekindled - so many memories of what I experienced during my darkest night, which continue to bubble up to the surface.  Step by step, learning to adjust to the new cadence of living and being along, and then, this pandemic.  The current state of our world has magnified, and elevated the realization that I must navigate this season - - alone. And, in my aloneness, I've longed more than ever to have Tim  'sheltered in place' at home with me, yet knowing that's not possible. A continual reminder of what I've lost, longing for how it use to be, realizing that I'll need to push thru.......without him, his wisdom, his guidance and his reassurance.

Each of us, are grappling with our own fears and worry - and my heart has felt those same emotions - -  more time's than I'd care to admit. Such unsettledness in our world, and the constant news can quickly replace faith with fear. And each time my mind leads to fear and worry, my heart reminds me that HE is where my peace and faith are found.

As I sit and process all that's going on - when triggers want to consume me - when the whisper in my ear continues to remind me I'm alone - I'm thankful that my heart continues to be drawn to the word of God to find my comfort & hope.  This past week I've been meditating on: Isaiah 43:1-3 which says,

"do not fear, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I AM the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel."

God's word promises that I will pass through, although, sometimes when I face a trial, the unknown - I may have to set up camp and sit and stay awhile; I'm learning that in my waiting - I will persevere- and I do not have to submit to 'fear' because wherever I go - HE has gone before me.  God's faithfulness in my past, has been my greatest comfort, knowing that he saw me thru the loss of Tim - the greatest heartache imagined - and if he could bring me thru my darkest night - he can bring me thru anything.

Worry and fear affect each and everyone of us in different ways, and no two people will experience it the same. For me personally, when worry and fear creep in, when I feel isolated, alone, stressed, worried...etc....here are a few things I continue to be intentional about doing:

1. reach out to someone who you know will pray with you. I'm not talking about a 'token' prayer - but someone in whom you know can breathe God's comfort into your weary heart. We all have those times when we need encouragement from others.  Find those people - you need them.

2. be an encouragement to someone else in need. Often, when we feel we have the greatest need, serving others is a great perspective changer.

3. turn off the noise - stop watching and listening to the news (yes we need to be informed - but we need to  guard our hearts from the constant feeds that scream fear and worry) continually.

4. when worry and fear seem to over take you - shift your mind to focus on the promises found in God's word.  Fear is an uninvited guest in our mind - and we have the choice to let fear '' in  - or replace fear with faith.

I know God longs to cover me with his-
-peace
-comfort
-joy

and when I meditate on and spend time in God's presence through worship, the word and prayer - pain, worry, fear, sickness, weariness, depression....etc...have no place.  For in HIM - and in his presence I can find rest and everything I need.

I'm learning to be intentional with shifting my thoughts from the unknown - onto what I do know.  God knows my beginning from my end - he knows every hair on my heart- and he has an abundant plan for me.

During this time of social distancing, I believe God wants to use this time to reset and grow me.  I'm continually asking him to lead me into a new season of rest, seeking him and his heart in a deeper way, having the assurance that his plans for me are good. I don't want to waste these days longing to return to what I think and feel is normal.  And I'm learning that often before God can lead me into something new - he has to disrupt my normal.  I continue to remind myself that God is already in my tomorrows...he goes before me....he's behind me....he's within me...and he's all around me.  He simply longs for me to lean into him - walk in faith knowing that he's going ahead of me, making a way, where there seems to be no way.


I continue to reminder myself that nothing EVER catches God by surprised, nor is he up in heaven trying to figure out what he should do.  Instead - he has a perfect sovereign plan - and everything is as it should be.

And, as I 'remember' all that he's done, I also find great comfort in words penned by Tim.  Praying, they comfort you as well:

"Dear God of all comfort, help me to remember that there is a loving purpose behind every problem that you allow in my life.  Teach me to respond to my difficulties the way Jesus would.  Cultivate my character through the circumstances of life.  Help me to trust your purpose....even in my pain." October 2005

Pondering's from a widows heart......

Soon I’ll reach the 20 month mile marker since Tim met Jesus, and with each passing day I continue to see God’s goodness in my life. Yet, my heart continues to wrestle with much learning that even in the hard God has always had a perfect plan for my life.  Have I always liked his plan?  No!  Have I often tried to find my own path? Yes!  Yet, though the valley of the shadow of death - I’m learning that HE will never leave me - that he’s always doing the best thing for me and if I knew the beginning from the end - I’d choose exactly what he’s doing in and through me.  So in faith - I have to trust - I have to believe he's creating a beautiful tapestry from my life. 

I’m a word picture type of person and as I process what I’m walking through I can’t help but visualize my life in a boat out on the ocean.  July 8th Tim and I were enjoying life - dreaming - planning - and looking forward to so many things. We were happy and sailing through life.  July 9th, our life - our boat capsized miles and miles from shore and as I soon began to tread water, I realized I was alone and I couldn’t find my way to the safety of the shore - to the shallow water where I could touch bottom - find my footing - being confident that I’d be ok.

Walking through loss and grief has often felt like huge waves sucking me under and at times leaving me breathless feeling as though I wouldn't make it.  Yet - with each wave - I’ve felt the amazing presence of my Jesus - whispering "trust me".

Battling the waves of my sea - called grief I continue to learn deep - profound lessons.  Lesson’s I would and could have never learned apart from walking through loss.

Suffering has:

• deepened me spiritually as I’ve had to accept a life I did not want, nor one I can control.  My lack of controlling what has happened to me has stirred up many questions that have deepened my hunger for the Lord. I’ve learned to cling to God's promises as I continue treading water - trusting his plan even in the unseen and knowing that he does his best work in and through me when I'm out in the deep.

• taught me that God is enough - even in my darkest night.

• taught me that although my worst fear has become my reality, God never changes, he never wavers and he will never leave me.

• taught me to incline my ear to ‘hear’ the promises God speaks for and over me.  I've found it is so easy to believe the lies satan whispers in my ear - yet - often I question God’s promises?   I’m learning to be intentional with my thought, shifting from lies whispered to the promises found in God’s word.

• taught me that God created me for such a time as this.  Since the day I was born, he has crafted, shaped and molded me to walk through this hard season.  My steps have been divinely ordered - so why would I not trust him and his plan for me?

• taught me that I don’t have to have my future figured out, and as I daily walk into the unknown I can have total and complete peace.

• taught me that although I struggle with figuring out who I am without Tim - questioning how I’ll navigate my life being alone - God will never leave me and he’s working and preparing me for amazing things.

• taught me that my mess - is my ministry. 

• taught me that my value isn’t determined by what I do - but rather by what I'm willing to allow God to use. My grief, my brokenness, my story.

• taught me that when I think I’m clinging to Jesus for dear life - he’s clinging to me, letting me know he will never leave me, nor forsake me.

• taught me that loss and grief will follow me all the days of my life; and on this journey I'll have a choice.  I can either sit in my grief and lament, walk around depressed, feeling hopeless, and being the person others avoid; OR, I can press in, allowing God to turn my loss and grief into something good - something beautiful - something he can use for his glory.

• taught me that I’m stronger than I ever knew; and I’m capable of doing hard things. I'm a survivor - not a victim and I do not have to be a slave to loss and grief, nor do I have to 'set up camp' and live here forever.

• taught me that although Tim's life ended - my life hasn't and the plans God has for us will continue on thru me as I choose to show up everyday.

• taught me that I may not like my circumstances - but I can look for the gifts they bring - living from a place of gratitude.

Suffering - a passageway to healing and wholeness and etched deep within my heart a knowing that God stands by his promises that beauty will come from the ashes of my life.  And with each passing month - my heart continues to shift, making a deliberate choice to not continually look back on and stay stuck in the ashes of my life - focusing on all that I’ve lost. Instead, focusing on all of the beautiful things God is doing, restoring, rebuilding and planning for my life.


Moment by moment I choose to rest in the promise God continues to whisper in my ear.....you're gonna be ok - and I do not have to be afraid....because I have this confidence - because I've seen the faithfulness of God!!!

Suffering - continues to produce endurance - endurance producing character - and character producing HOPE. Romand 5:3-5

May my life always be an example of endurance - character and HOPE!

Click the link to hear the song:

Not Afraid

thoughts from a widow

As I continue navigating my journey through loss & grief there is much that the average on looker would never need to consider or understand about walking through the valley of the shadow of death. Before I became a widow I never gave a thought to what my life would be like if Tim passed away because becoming a widow was never on my radar.

  Have you ever taken a moment to realize that if you are married you will either pass away first, OR you'll face the unimaginable reality of becoming a widow/widower unless Jesus returns first??  It’s true….we will all face death…or being left behind to pick up the pieces of our lives we once knew and loved.  As I move forward I'm continually reminded of the impact death has made on every aspect of my life, my routine, my days and how much my life has been altered.

With each passing day, which quickly turns into months the impact of my reality and what I'm walking thru has many similarities with other widows, and I've seen many common threads.  As I share my thoughts, I share them moreso for me - so one day, when I'm farther down the road I can look back and see just how much I've grown, and how faithful Jesus has continued to be, carrying me with each step I take.  I've learned that grief will always be a close friend - and no matter how much time passes,  I want my life to be an example -- proof - - that God is good  - - he is faithful - - and he has a purpose in and through my pain. 

My thoughts are in no particular order - - just thoughts that cross my mind and things my heart wrestles with and ponders:

• I've often felt as though a part of me has been cut off - - amputated if you will.  I feel like I'm 1/2 the person I once was.  Learning to live as a 1/2 isn’t easy.  It takes time, courage and strength to learn to live this life alone. 

• All of the love and support I receive from others will never replace the love and support I’ve lost from Tim; although they are very much appreciated, welcomed and needed.  Our marriage grew us together in ways that once death visited, I wasn't sure how I'd survive.  Our marriage was a gift.  Something sacred - something holy that produced growth in ways that developed a bond of oneness between us.  Our togetherness, cultivated and invested so much into our relationship that now causes great pause as I process how to move forward without Tim - - alone.  

• We had plans, goals and dreams, and in an instant, it was all taken away. I often find myself struggling to find my footing, trying to rebound and determine what's next. Tim was the leader of our home - - we discussed everything - - but at the end of the day - - I'd prefer and he'd lead.  And now,  I have to lead - - and that's been uncharted territory for me which often leaves me feels unsure, questioning and not wanting to make the wrong decision(s). As I press forward, I continue seeking Jesus like never before as I begin to dream again, knowing God has a future for me.  A future without Tim.

• I’ve learned first hand that I live in a ‘couples’ world.  Learning to socialize after loss is so hard, and often something I stay away from because it reminds me…of what I’ve lost. I've shown up at couples events with a smile - - but on the inside my heart longs for what will never be, and I've found it's emotionally exhausting to be 'on' when on the inside my heart is hurting.

• I often smile and say I am doing ok when you ask.  When in reality, tears sit on the edge of my eyes and I often pray they’ll stay at bay until I'm alone. And in those alone moments there is much tension as I often find such sweet peace and comfort in Jesus' presence - and other times I beg him  to take this pain - - to take this cup away because it's too heavy for me to carry. Yet I know, he's given me sweet peace - - even in the hard.

• I’ve learned to give you the ‘right’ answer, when I'm asked how I'm doing, so I don’t make you feel uncomfortable.  But, then there are those who aren't afraid a push. Those who continue to reach in, checking in with me, getting me to talk, to laugh, so I share and process what's going on in my heart.

• Tim was more than just my spouse. He fulfilled so many important aspects in my heart and life. He was my best friend, my dinner date, my confidant, my secret keeper, we shared secret glances, and we had many inside jokes.  He was my travel companion, my workout buddy, my spiritual investor, my prayer partner, my sounding board, my lover…..and now…I must walk through grieving EVERY part of our lives that touched and impacted me. I've come to fully understand that grieving is a long process.  The first year following Tim's death, I grieved his physical presence.  Often thinking I heard the garage door opening which told me he was home. Or when I heard my neighbors foot steps above me and I'd think, oh he must be wrapping up his day and he's heading down stairs now. Realizing, he's truly gone - and gone forever.  After the 1st year anniversary of his death I began to slowly start grieving all of the things listed above.  Grief, it can't be rushed, hurried, or ignored. I'm learning to sit in my grief - - processing every twist and turn...so that in doing so - - true healing takes place. 

• I'm now left to cover all the bases we once divided and conquered together. We had  a system, a rhythm and I feel his absence everyday - perhaps the most when I need to deal with my car ....and taxes...or the fact that I now have to make the bed everyone morning! 🙂 As I continue to put one foot in front of the other I'm continually seeking the Lord for his wisdom and direction as I now have to figure life out without Tim. And in those moments I'm SO thankful for God's word which speaks hope and healing to my heart....which provides me rest and a knowing that what I'm walking through isn't intended to harm me....but to grow me in amazing ways.

• Learning to fall asleep at night without Tim laying next to me is slowly becoming easier.  Missing drifting off to sleep to the cadence of his breathing, or reaching across the bed to hold his hand, only to remember…..or sleeping on his side of the bed with his shirt because it makes me feel close to him. Yet in the dark of night - -  in the stillness - - Jesus has been so faithful to me and I've experienced amazing sleep every night since Tim's funeral.

• Finding some of my safest connections in private groups full of other widows.  Experiencing comfort and solace with and from strangers I've never met in person, feeling a connection of sameness pouring out my heart because it feels safe. Being vulnerable, sharing private intimate things knowing that someone can relate - - someone understands - - and no one will ask you any of 'those questions.'   And in the sharing, never being judged, questioned, are feeling as though you should be over your grief by now, or having people avoid you.

• When I'm asked to reach out if I need anything - I don't - because I don’t know what I need.  Yet, I long for people to step in, unafraid to sit with me, take me to coffee, etc - helping me experience normal life. Being alone at times is deafening.

• When you see me in public, don’t avoid me.  Becoming a widow isn’t contagious - you won’t catch it.

• I don’t expect you to understand what I'm walking through.  Loss and grief are individually specific and I know first hand that unless you’ve walked thru the loss of your spouse you can’t understand…and that’s ok. I'm not looking for you to have the 'right' words - - because there are no right words instead I'm longing to know you simply care.

• As the ebbs and flow of grief continue to walk with me towards healing I've learned that I will never be the same person I was before loss and grief.  Death has changed me….death has grown me in ways I never knew possible......death has expanded my compassion and care for people.......and death.....has changed my perspective on life.  I'm also learning that it's an honor to be asked to carry something so holy - so sacred - something called grief.  And with each step I take, Jesus continues to bottle up my tears, carrying me when I can't take another step.  And thru his faithfulness to me, I'll continue running to him knowing he is such a Good....Good....Father.  

 Death has also shifted my stance and glance towards heaven.  Each morning my eyes are fixed on heaven...longing and waiting for my greatest hope to be fulfilled - - eternity in heaven - - forever.

Grief and Joy

People often ask me if the big moments - like holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are the hardest to navigate without Tim?  On one hand the answer is absolutely yes!  Then, on the other hand the answer is no!  Living my everyday life, the ordinary - my daily routine often feels the hardest.

It’s in the: 

• missing our morning breakfasts we enjoyed together - everyday 
• longing to hear his voice - to glean his advice.....just one more time 
• missing his love for the word and prayer - and how he prayed with and over me 
• making his favorite foods longing for one more meal together
• missing his personality - he was quiet...but so funny - because he wasn't funny
• laying my head on his chest at night, remembering how I loved our night time talks and having him there as I fell asleep 
• visiting our favorite coffee shop or restaurant - knowing exactly what he’d order - but now, only ordering for one
• I miss seeing his things in my closet - I miss his love for nice things - his custom shirts, and all of his shoes - and how particular he was with his things - especially his car
• missing his encouraging text messages - wishing to see his name pop up on my phone - just one more time
• feeling as though half of me has been misplaced or lost
• hearing the sound of the garage door, knowing he had made it home safe at the end of a long day
• watching his favorite TV shows together - hearing his laugh and commentary
• being home alone - longing for him to simply be here
• hearing the strum of a guitar - remembering his love of music, and being thankful that his final moment on this earth was doing something he loved
• watching our grandkids growing up - and feeling sadness that he's not hear to see what precious little people they are growing into

It's in my moment by moment - my everyday - the ebbs and flows of life that I miss him most!  The tension between what was - and what now is. Learning to live life with a limp of sorts, walking with a new cadence without him; and knowing at the depth of my core that loss and grief will be the hardest thing I'll ever be called and asked to walk through.  

Pressing in, knowing that loss and grief can live and walk hand in hand -side by side with joy and happiness; and believing that Tim would be so proud of me for choosing joy - even in the midst of the hard. I know he would encourage me to keep moving forward allowing my pain - to have a purpose and to use my story, my experience for HIS glory. For with each step I take - when fear and worry have tried to creep in - Jesus has brought me courage.  And when I've felt alone  - Jesus has been there - all along, right beside me. And it's been in my daily choosing to let the charred remains of what my life was, to be turned into something beautiful. 

With each passing month, the heavy weight of loss and grief aren’t as strong and intense as they once were. Yes, the tears still come but in my remembering I often do so with a smile ..... more so than with tears. Intentionally remembering happier times and how blessed I was.  Remembering and being so thankful for how Jesus has carried me and blessed me with each step I take and knowing he has ONLY good in store for me.

Loss and grief have forever changed the person that I am.  I now see Jesus, and people thru a different lens - a lens that only loss & grief could have produced. And, today, as I celebrate Tim’s 17th month in heaven......I remind myself and find great comfort and joy in knowing - I’m one day closer to heaven!!🙏🏻😇🕊💗⚓️