Grief and Joy

People often ask me if the big moments - like holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are the hardest to navigate without Tim?  On one hand the answer is absolutely yes!  Then, on the other hand the answer is no!  Living my everyday life, the ordinary - my daily routine often feels the hardest.

It’s in the: 

• missing our morning breakfasts we enjoyed together - everyday 
• longing to hear his voice - to glean his advice.....just one more time 
• missing his love for the word and prayer - and how he prayed with and over me 
• making his favorite foods longing for one more meal together
• missing his personality - he was quiet...but so funny - because he wasn't funny
• laying my head on his chest at night, remembering how I loved our night time talks and having him there as I fell asleep 
• visiting our favorite coffee shop or restaurant - knowing exactly what he’d order - but now, only ordering for one
• I miss seeing his things in my closet - I miss his love for nice things - his custom shirts, and all of his shoes - and how particular he was with his things - especially his car
• missing his encouraging text messages - wishing to see his name pop up on my phone - just one more time
• feeling as though half of me has been misplaced or lost
• hearing the sound of the garage door, knowing he had made it home safe at the end of a long day
• watching his favorite TV shows together - hearing his laugh and commentary
• being home alone - longing for him to simply be here
• hearing the strum of a guitar - remembering his love of music, and being thankful that his final moment on this earth was doing something he loved
• watching our grandkids growing up - and feeling sadness that he's not hear to see what precious little people they are growing into

It's in my moment by moment - my everyday - the ebbs and flows of life that I miss him most!  The tension between what was - and what now is. Learning to live life with a limp of sorts, walking with a new cadence without him; and knowing at the depth of my core that loss and grief will be the hardest thing I'll ever be called and asked to walk through.  

Pressing in, knowing that loss and grief can live and walk hand in hand -side by side with joy and happiness; and believing that Tim would be so proud of me for choosing joy - even in the midst of the hard. I know he would encourage me to keep moving forward allowing my pain - to have a purpose and to use my story, my experience for HIS glory. For with each step I take - when fear and worry have tried to creep in - Jesus has brought me courage.  And when I've felt alone  - Jesus has been there - all along, right beside me. And it's been in my daily choosing to let the charred remains of what my life was, to be turned into something beautiful. 

With each passing month, the heavy weight of loss and grief aren’t as strong and intense as they once were. Yes, the tears still come but in my remembering I often do so with a smile ..... more so than with tears. Intentionally remembering happier times and how blessed I was.  Remembering and being so thankful for how Jesus has carried me and blessed me with each step I take and knowing he has ONLY good in store for me.

Loss and grief have forever changed the person that I am.  I now see Jesus, and people thru a different lens - a lens that only loss & grief could have produced. And, today, as I celebrate Tim’s 17th month in heaven......I remind myself and find great comfort and joy in knowing - I’m one day closer to heaven!!🙏🏻😇🕊💗⚓️

the in-between....

The in-between Jesus' death on Good Friday and his resurrection Easter Sunday holds much meaning to my heart this year - - far more than any other I've experienced.

I've grieved, rejoiced, celebrated and mourned ALL that Jesus did during those 3 days.  Parallels of those 3 days -- and what they represent have helped me to continue walking thru and processing my own grief - -  the in-between - - the day Tim died, and Jesus' second coming.

As I've read and studied the word a few thoughts have stood out to me in a new, fresh profound way:

Jesus' death on Good Friday brought enormous loss, loneliness and a questioning for those who loved, served and followed him.  Their hope died - - they cried - - they were broken with much despair - - they were full of worry, fear and excruciating grief in the hours that followed Jesus' death.  

The past 9 months my heart has felt great loss and sorrow as I continue navigating loss.  I've questioned, wondered - - even in the midst of knowing God is sovereign. Much brokenness, despair and excruciating pain and grief have been felt and experienced.  Death is final - - yet in the midst of hardship - - I have a promise - - a hope - -  and this hope was given freely thru Jesus' death on the cross.

Then there was the example Jesus displayed on the cross.  As he hung, soon to die - -some of his final thoughts were towards his Mother Mary.  She'd lost much.   In the midst of his own pain and anguish - - Jesus' focus was on a widow - - his Mother - - and he provided a promise that she'd be cared for.  (John 19:25-27)

When Jesus hung on that cross - - each and everyone of us were on his mind - - he gave freely of himself so we could be free. As Jesus looked into the eyes of his mother Mary - - with deep compassion -- love --concern for her as a widow - - he saw me and his promise was extended not only to Mary, but to me, and to every woman who faces the road of widowhood.  His promise would be fulfilled  - - he understood -- he protects - - he provides -- and cares in miraculous, powerful ways, that reveal blessings that can only come from HIM.

Then there was Mary, the Mother of Jesus. As she watched her son being crucified...she stood! She remained! She displayed enormous courage, in the face of one of the most difficult things one could experience in life - - the loss of a child. (John 19:25)

What an example Mary is to me of her STANDING in the midst of such loss with enormous COURAGE! In her grief she didn't run -- she didn't hide -- she didn't turn her back on Jesus, but she STOOD with her eyes fixed on her savior knowing this stance, would carry her thru.

My prayer has been and continues to be - - that in my darkest moments - - in the depth of my grief -- in my seeking -- in my questioning -- in my day to day people see Jesus in and thru me.  I chose to stand on the promises of God's word - - which promises me that in the midst of excruciating, deep loss and pain - - he remains.

After Jesus' death he was put in the tomb and Mary Magdalene and Mary Jesus' Mother were preparing spices and ointments to anoint his body.  When they had finished their preparations, it was now the Sabbath (Saturday) so they rested - - which was required by law. (Luke 24:55-56)

The in-between

 - - Good Friday and Easter Sunday - -

The in-between 

- - the hard, the choosing, the pressing, the waiting, the resting, all part of the process - -

Navigated my in-between finds me 'resting'.  Resting has been so pivotal to my journey and my process of moving from death to my eternal promise fulfilled.  Not only physically resting - - but emotionally and spiritually. For it's in my resting -- Jesus can do the hard, most important work in me.  It's in my resting, Jesus is able to reveal himself and his plan to me in ways I otherwise could never know or understand. Resting requires of me to simply - -  be.  Not trying to figure out God's plan - - rather a deep knowing he's working on my behalf.

I'm walking out the in-between of my darkest day -- losing Tim -- and my greatest hope - - Jesus returning and taking me home to heaven for all of eternity.  It's in the in-between -- grief must be processed -- life must be lived -- new dreams must be stirred -- hope for my future must be birthed -- and I must continually keeping my eye fixed on Jesus -- knowing and resting in the understanding that he goes before me, and that their is GREAT purpose in his pain.

As I reflect on Mary and Mary Magdalene - - they displayed such an amazing example -- a legacy of faith -- they endured -- they didn't give up -- and Jesus proved himself FAITHFUL -- and his faithfulness is promised to me.

The in-between at times seems grueling -- hard -- lonely -- sad -- and some days simply unbearable and unimaginable. Yet, in the midst of the hard -- Jesus stands with out stretched nail scared hands asking that I trust his plan -- even when I cannot see what his promise for my temporal future looks like.  It's in the in-between -- an amazing plan will unfold for my life -- when and if I allow HIM to complete the work he's started in me.

5. Then came Sunday - Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and found the stone rolled away - - and Jesus was no longer there.  Resurrection.

Rejoicing that his promise was fulfilled. Resurrection -- eternity forever.  This earthly life is a short passage to my forever home -- and with each passing day, I long for eternity in a deeper -- more powerful, profound way.  Death puts life into perspective - - and my view of Jesus - - heaven - - promise fulfilled has stirred much in my heart as I anticipate with great JOY the day we are reunited forever. What a promise that our greatest hope of heaven and  eternity - -  WILL be our reality - - one day soon!

Daily, I continue to stand at the gate -- eye's fixed towards heaven KNOWING that one day -- Jesus will split the eastern sky and return to take me home. My heart rejoices and is so THANKFUL for the promise and gift of eternity. And, while I wait - - during my in-between - - I will not give up - - I will continue to press into him - - seeking him as he leads, guides and directs my every step.  Knowing that he WILL turn the ashes of my life - - into something beautiful.

To hear the song, click the link:

Beauty For Ashes

God of the new beginnings

God of the second chance

Your grace an endless river

Your love an avalanche

There in my darkest moment

All hope burnt to the ground

That's where Your mercy found me

That's when Your love came down

You turned my mourning into dancing

You turned my sorrow into praise

You give me beauty for ashes,

Beauty for ashes

You give me beauty for ashes,

Beauty for ashes.

Love met me in the ruins

Of all my past mistakes

Love walked me to the river

Love broke apart these chains

Love spoke a new tomorrow

Opened my eyes to see

Love washed away this sadness

Love came and rescued me

You turned my mourning into dancing

You turned my sorrow into praise

Oh You give me

Legacy of Faith---

I remember the details of July 10th, 2018, as if they were yesterday.  I remember exactly where I was, driving down 494 heading back to the hospital to be with Tim.  As I drove, I remember asking the Lord to PLEASE give me a sign....something that would help me know what was up ahead, and how I should navigate the days to come.

As I prayed and prayed asking God for a sign.....the song Tremble by Mosaic came on the radio.  I had never heard this song and I was immediately drawn to the message, wrapped in this amazing worship song.  The words say (you can click the link to hear the song):

Tremble

Peace, bringing it all to peace

The storm surrounding me

Let it break at Your name
Still, call the sea to still
The rage in me to still
Every wave at Your name
Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble
Jesus, Jesus, You silence fear
Jesus, Jesus, You make the darkness tremble
Jesus, Jesus
Breathe, then call these bones to live
Call these lungs to sing

As I listened to the words of this song I remember asking the Lord..."does this mean you are going to heal Tim?"  Of course, I already knew the answer...because in my heart I knew he had taken his final breathe on his own in my arms the night before.  Yet, I held out hope that maybe I was wrong?

As the song played on I immediately felt the Lord say, YES.....I will heal Tim.  BUT, not in the way you are hoping.  His lungs will sing.....but they'll do so in my presence in heaven for ALL of eternity.

In that moment, I felt such incredible peace flood my heart, soul and mind like I've never felt before.  There was a knowing that God would move, and all he would require of me was to walk by FAITH and not by sight.  I spent that entire day alone at the hospital with Tim praying, preparing my heart, seeking God for wisdom for the words that I knew I'd have to share with Ash and Andrew.  And, I drew a hard line in the sand knowing that in my darkest night...God was STILL so....so...good, and I would choose to allow this wilderness experience to do a work in and through my life, and have it be used for good.

As I continue to walk in FAITH knowing God has a perfect plan for me I'm often drawn to Hebrews 11, pouring over powerful examples of FAITHFUL hearts found in the scriptures....

It was-----

• FAITH----that Abel brought an acceptable offering to God
• FAITH----that Enoch was taken up to heaven
• FAITH----anyone who wants to come to HIM must believe that God exists 
• FAITH---that Noah built the ark
• FAITH---that Abraham obeyed
• FAITH---that Sarah was able to have a child
• FAITH---that Abraham was willing to offered Isaac as a sacrifice
• FAITH---that Isaac promised blessings for the future to his sons Jacob and Esau
• FAITH---that Joseph said confident that the people of Israel would leave Egypt
• FAITH---that the people of Israel went right through the red sea
• FAITH---that the people of Israel marched around Jericho for 7 days
• FAITH---that Rahab was not destroyed with the people in her city
• FAITH---of Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel and all the prophets 

Each FAITH story listed above is such an amazing example of not giving up.  They each pressed in...continuing to seek God and his perfect plan, even though...they often didn't know or understand what God was up to. In some instances God revealed his plan quickly, in others they wandered for 40 years.  My prayer continues to be that my FAITH will NOT waver regardless of the path God takes me on...quick...or long.  For I know that it's in the journey, the process that God does his best work.

Just like the great FAITH of so many in the Bible, it took great faith for me to trust HIS plan when I knew God was telling me he was going to take Tim home.  It was in the moments, the moments in the hospital, the moments as I pass mile markers I've resolved to NOT give up.  I'm not fighting for myself...but I'm fighting to give a legacy of FAITH and HOPE to my children, grandchildren, and generations to come should the Lord teary.  I want our families legacy to be one that says, YES.....we lost much....BUT God did great things in and through each and everyone of us!!!

The greatest gift any of us can leave our families is a legacy of great FAITH, demonstrating that even in the hard, unknown seasons of our life...we will NOT be shaken, we will NOT waver, and we will NOT give up.  It's in the hard God wants to strengthen us and solidify our sense of identity so we will have the resources we need for the amazing, good plan he has for each of us, even as we walk through pain.

Hebrews 11:1-2 says, "Now faith brings our hopes into reality and becomes the foundation needed to acquire the things we long for.  It is all the evidence required to prove what is still unseen. This testimony of faith is what previous generations were commended for."

If you are weary, worn out, feeling as though you cannot take another step...seek him and spend time in his word...for it's truly medicine to and for your souls. And when you do, your weakness will turn to strength!!💗

mile marker ----7

I've walked 187 days since:

• I kissed your good-bye 
• whispered in your ear that it was ok to go....and that I'd be ok
• held your hand as it slipped from mine, into eternity
• watched you take your last breathe
• stood with our children and my parents as we watched you slip into eternity
• wept, sang, prayed and rejoiced all at the same time for the precious gift you are
• walked down that long ICU hallway for the last time knowing I'd never see you again this side of heaven

My heart is so thankful for sweet....sweet...memories....

• all the nights you'd bring home my favorite treats...just because
• spending Saturday nights watching all of our favorite programs we recorded during the week
• our Friday night dates....every week
• Saturday Starbuck runs
• your sense of humor....the way you'd tease me and how you made me laugh like no other
• the way I'd catch your eye in a crowd, and you'd give me that cute little wink
• your handwritten notes that you'd leave for me....reminding me of how much I was loved

I've missed you in so many ways.....

• our late night pillow talks---every night
• holding my hand as we'd fall asleep
• how you poured such wisdom into my heart and helped me process so many things
• daily hearing you tell me how beautiful I was and that you were the lucky one
• your prayers for me...each morning before I left for work, and each night before I'd fall asleep
• waking up....and finding you next to me
• your hugs...

As each month turns into a new mile marker, the reality of my loss becomes more real.  And it's been during these months Jesus continues to tenderly reveal such truths to my heart....

• HE is faithful-he never stops working on my behalf
• HE is gracious-he provides my every need
• HE is wise-what he does is always best
• HE is sovereign-his plan is perfect for my life
• HE is powerful-his ways are highter than mine
• HE is loving-he always has my best interests at heart

Phil 1:6----'he who began a good work in me WILL bring it to completion.'

I've learned....

• you don't begin to live...until you've lost something SO important--I now look at life so differently
• I often don't know what to do....but I know who to go to....
• every acceptance of HIS will becomes an altar of sacrifice, and every such surrender and abandonment of myself to his will is a means of furthering me on the way to the high places to which he desires to bring every child of his while they are still living on earth.
• as hard as it is....I daily continue to find Jesus...in the waiting.  Waiting is NOT easy...but it is necessary
• my difficulties today...will one day be easer to carry
• his mercies are new every morning...and after a long hard day...I'm thankful for this reminder
• grief is like the tide...it often comes in waves of extreme heaviness...and then as quickly as it overtakes, it recedes

As I begin to walk towards the next mile marker, I'm standing on his promise that he's not done with me. I'm resting in the  knowing that he has a perfect plan, and his promises remain and are true for me. And...I'm going to be OK.....

(to hear the song...click the link below)

Your Gonna Be Ok

I know it's all you've got to just be strong

And it's a fight just to keep it together

I know you think that you are too far gone

But hope is never lost

Hope is never lost

Hold on, don't let go

Hold on, don't let go

Just take one step closer

Put one foot in front of the other

You'll get through this

Just follow the light in the darkness

You're gonna be ok

I know your heart is heavy from those nights

But just remember that you are a fighter

You never know just what tomorrow holds

And you're stronger than you know

You're stronger than you know

Hold on, don't let go

Hold on, don't let go

Just take one step closer

Put one foot in front of the other

You'll get through this

Just follow the light in the darkness

You're gonna be ok

Just take one step closer

Put one… 

through the eye of a child

I've been so thankful for the 'gift' of having 6 precious little grandchildren who have made this journey thru grief somewhat bearable. Their questions about Papa, their sweet little thoughts, comments and love have been healing balm to my heart and soul.  We as adults could learn SO much from children, so I'm working on a blog post about the do's and don'ts (from my perspective) of walking thru grief with those we love.......since I now have experience in this arena.

My grandchildren have given me the 'gift' of remembering Tim, and it's thru their remembering the legacy of Tim will continue for generations to come.

Aviyah is 5
Jack (or Jack Hammer as Papa called him) is 3 1/2
Norah is 3
Ellie is 2
Judah is 9 months old
and Eva- is 5 months old

They each see Jesus and heaven in such a beautiful way; and it's thru their simple childlike faith they have a knowing and an understanding that Papa is with Jesus, he's happy, whole and celebrating in unimaginable ways.

They each miss Papa in they own sweet little ways, and they talk about him with such joy and happiness. Their childlike faith doesn't seem to have the capacity to mourn, or grief for their Papa like I do, instead they simply believe, and trust Jesus.

During my FaceTime moments with Ashley's girls I often catch my breathe as the girls talk so freely about their Papa, and how much they love and miss him.  Recently during a conversations Aviyah said,

'nana, I want to play a song for you'

off she ran to grab her iPad and she searched for a song she remembered hearing at Tim's celebration service.  As she played the song, she sang along at the top of her lungs while she ran to the window, threw open the blinds and began waving at the sky.....because Papa's in heaven nana, with Jesus.  Yes he is Aviyah...yes he is.

This week Norah asked me if Papa could come back now, because she really misses him and she wanted us to come to NC for a visit.  Norah was 3 months shy of being 3 years old when Tim passed away and I'm amazed at how she's processing this, with wonder and faith.

Then there is sweet little Judah. I so cherish our memories of visiting Charlotte just 6 weeks before Tim left us. Tim was so excited to meet Judah.  Tim had a sweet spot for the granddaughters...but he was SO excited to have a second grandsons, knowing that one day Judah might love music like his daddy and his Papa....

Sweet little Eva is the only grandchild that did not experience the 'gift' of meeting her Papa this side of heaven.  Yet in God's perfect timing sweet Eva Hope Edwin was born 1 month to the day of Tims passing.  Only God could have orchestrate that...and it truly is a gift.  And, although she's not met Tim, she carries his middle name as part of hers.

Ellie was weeks shy of turning 2 when Tim passed away, yet her sweet, strong, determined, hand on her hip personality sparkles when she talks about her Papa.  And each time I ask her,

'who's girl are you Ellie??

with a twinkle in her eye...she says, I'm Papa's girl Nana! Yes you are Ellie-bug!

Jack---he was 3 years and 3 months old when Tim passed away.  He has walked this road of grief along side of me and he's truly been a gift during this season.  Jesus in his tender mercies, planned and orchestrated that our precious Jackson Andrew would be born on Tim's 53rd birthday; April 4th, 2015. Tim was beside himself the day Jack was born, and now, looking back I SO see God's perfect plan in all of this.  Jack truly was Papa's little buddy. They would play together by the hours, and Tim had such amazing patience with all of the toddler questions.

As we've walked each month since losing Tim, Jack has spend a number of sleepovers with me and these sleepovers are truly sacred times to my heart as Jack spends hours asking me questions and talking about Papa.  Jack has a tender, caring compassionate heart like his Papa, and his daddy, and he's so concerned that Nana now has to live along....and he's quick to tell me, "I'll come stay with you for 5 sleep overs Nana!!"

At times I've been amazed by what he knows, what he's heard, all the while we thought we were keeping details from little listening ears.  He's asked me such deep, profound questions, that have caused me to carefully craft my response wanting to be truthful, but cautious in how an almost 4 year old might process such heavy details.  I've also been amazed at the stories he will recount that he had with Papa 2 years ago and he recites them as if they happened last week.  What a gift Jack has been given as he remembers special memories of and with his Papa, that's he's tucked away in his little heart......forever!

For months Jack would repeatedly tell all of us, "I'm gonna love Jesus with all my heart so one day I can see Papa again."  And each time he'd say this my heart would ache as it carried the reminder that this precious little boy, and all of our grandchildren would grow up in a world without their Papa who was such an anchor of faith in our family; and it stung my heart knowing he would miss out on SO much life we'd live without him here.

A few weeks ago Andrew and Rachel told me that during Jack's bedtime routine he asked Jesus to come into his heart and to forgive him of all of his sins. My heart so rejoiced in Jack's simply, childlike decision, sealing his eternal hope, and he understood that one day, he'd see Jesus and Papa.

As I settled in for the night after hearing this news, I felt Jesus whisper to my heart, "Kim, Tim will see the salvation of each of his grandchildren from the portals of heaven, and he will be rejoicing with all the saints in heaven. Luke 15:10.  And in that moment, my heart found great comfort in knowing that the most important decision our grandchildren will ever make, Tim will witness and he will be rejoicing in heaven, knowing that they've made the decision to chase hard after Jesus, and in this decision made, they will spend eternity in heaven.

What a gift....to know that we have the promise of eternal life with Jesus forever if we simply ask him into our hearts and lives and ask for forgiveness from sin.  And like Tim...because of God's promise...I will spend eternity with JESUS!! It's Gods promise....and a day we are all looking forward too!

This song was played at Tim's Celebration of Life service, and it holds the powerful promise, knowing that my last breathe here...will be my first with JESUS!!! (click the below link to listen)

Tears of Joy

New Year

As I walk into 2019 my heart has been reflective on all that 2018 held.  Within those 365 days I experienced hope, joy, adventure, the birth of 2 precious grand babies, amazing family times, and a loss that has impacted my life in the most profound way ever imagined. I'm also keenly aware that a new year will be something I will face without Tim....and in some ways, it makes my heart sad to leave 2018 as it has held ALL of my final memories with him. 😢💔  Yet, it's in my saying good-bye to the familiar, Jesus continues to stand at every corner reminding me that HE is enough, and that he will continue to walk with me into this unknown road set before me.

One of my favorite pictures from 2018 was taken while we visiting Ashley's family in Charlotte last May to meet baby Judah.  It was extremely hot and humid....and Papa had just taken the girls out to buy them each a new toy.  Norah picked out a splash pad table for the backyard....and Aviyah a new bike.  The first time Aviyah went out on her bike she was so nervous and scarred that she'd fall.  In the midst of her fears, Papa....walked along side of her holding her hand, encouraged her that she'd be ok...and he was right there along side of her and he'd make sure she wouldn't fall.  This image provides such comfort and an amazing image to me of how Jesus is walking with each one of us.  We are walking an unknown path...one that could leave us nervous and scarred.  Yet, in the midst of our journey, Jesus ever so sweetly grips our hand, walks along side of us and whispers in our ear...you are going to be ok.

It's been in the ebb and flow of amazing highs....and the deepest lows that my faith has remained firmly rooted in Jesus. His love and comfort have been constant.  Some might think 2018 would be labeled as the worst year of my life; yet, in the midst of the hard, I've experienced much good.  Yes, I've experience gut wrenching devastation, but it's been thru the devastation my faith has carried me, and I've found amazing comfort and peace.

I've said this often and I still firmly believe that my choosing to focus on a heart of gratitude has been key to navigating my loss. My decision back on July 10th, 2018 while standing next to Tim's hospital bedside still holds true today---for it's in my drawing a line in the sand declaring that I will walk this out in a way that honor's Jesus and Tim---and it's been in my seeking HIM---Jesus has given me so much grace while I walk out this journey.

The hard from 2018 will provide me the momentum I need to move forward into 2019, if..and only IF I allow the hard to stir within me what Jesus wants to cultivate in and thru my life and heart.  There WILL be miracles -- and I know that even when Jesus doesn't rescue me from my situation -- he visits me in my trouble, and I believe that my past experiences promise me that he WILL take care of me and I CAN trust him.

Deuteronomy 31:8 promises that the Lord himself will go before me.  'Going before me' means, he's already worked out the end of my story, and I'm promised a good ending. He promises that he will redeem my trails and make beauty from the ashes of my life.  And it's in these promises I'm thanking HIM for how he's leading, guiding, protecting, and going before me.

In the depth of such a great loss, pain and loneliness I've experience since losing Tim, I've been met by a depth of love, comfort, and intimacy with Jesus that has felt tangible.  No one can ever image what it's like to lose a spouse until you walk this road. Yet, it's been in this loss Jesus has been so faithful, comforting and loving.  This thought from Nathan Edwardson has spoken healing balm to my heart and soul:

"Often times, we do everything in our own power to avoid the pain and suffering in our lives, some of us fake it; others medicate it. And yet, there's an encounter with God only found in suffering, a love experienced in the pain, a song written from the depths, an intimacy with God unveiled and known only in the dark night of the soul.  There's nothing quite like suffering to bring us face to face with God." 

Jesus has been teaching me that there are always BLESSINGS to be found in the midst of trials.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says,

"ALWAYS be joyful.  Never stop praying. Be THANKFUL in ALL circumstances, for this is God's WILL for you who belong to him."

There's nothing magical about suffering or loss that makes one a better person....however, the words of Elisabeth Kugler-Ross penned suffering/loss in a powerful way,

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen."

My prayer as I walk into 2019 is that thru my loss, grief, trials--I continue to press in to Jesus so he is seen in and thru me.  For it's in my trials, JESUS can and will be glorified. My eyes are fixed on the sunrise and I know Jesus will continue to write a story of HOPE in and thru me.

2019, I'm looking forward to you...and with each day/year that passes, I'm ONE day/year closer to seeing Jesus, and Tim!  What a hope and promise that is!! As I walk into 2019...courage will be my close companion as I learn to step out in FAITH and follow hard after Jesus! And I'm able to do this because I know...Nobody Loves me...like my JESUS!!

Nobody Loves Me Like You

Merry Christmas

As I reflect on the most amazing gift God has given us, his son JESUS my heart is so thankful that we have the blessed HOPE of knowing that Tim is celebrating his FIRST Christmas in heaven this year.  I wonder what he is seeing, and what it must be like to celebrate Jesus....face to face?

This Christmas season both Christmas and Easter have been much on my heart and in my thoughts. There had to be a tension of sort in the heavenlies over 2,000 years ago as they knew the great cost and sacrifice this precious baby boy Jesus would one day make.  Born in a humble manager....to one day, being crucified on a cross so that thru HIS great sacrifice....we could have the blessed hope of eternal life and spending eternity with him, if we call upon him and make him Lord of our lives.

What a wrestling.....

What a hope...

What a promise.....

And it's in these 3 words....wresting....hope...promise.....Jesus feels so close.

I've wrestled much with the Lord over the 'why' (why did you allow this) and 'what' (what do you want to teach/show me).

It's been in and thru my wrestling I'm finding a 'hope' that God WILL use everything that comes in and thru my life to shape, mold and use it for his greater purpose.  Not to harm me...but to use it for my good.

This hope has propelled me to rest in the knowing that his promises are true...and he will never go back on his word, and that he will lead me thru this wilderness.

Heaven is so close to my heart as I long to really know and understand what it will be like to one day be face-to-face with the one who loves me most...JESUS. Until then....I can dream...and wonder what Christmas in heaven is like...with the angel's...celebrating around the throne.....

I'll love you forever Tim, and I'm holding your memories so close the Christmas, and I'm longing for the day when I'll see you again. Until then, I'll make you SO proud...in how I'm walking this road.....❤

Jealous of the Angels