Please know I'm not an expert on the subject of grief, just someone who has experienced first hand what it's like.
Here are a few thoughts in no particular order:
1. just show up-i woke up early the morning after Tim had passed away and a dear friend had text me. Her words were simple and a non-negotiable. She said...I'm on my way over with coffee and bagels. Don't get dressed or fix yourself up...I just want to come and sit with you.
My friend came (of course I pulled myself together...because...well...if you know me 😃) and she sat at my dining room table for over 3 hours. We talked, I cried, we shared, and it ministered SO much to my heart and soul...and I felt so loved.
2. help with meals- my church did an amazing job of providing meals for a long time. This was such a gift to our family. Not only did they bring meals but with each meal they provided paper products, plastic silverware, plastic cups and napkins so we could literally clean up quickly. This truly was so thoughtful and helpful to our family. Often, the door bell would ring and by the time we got to the door whomever delivered the food was gone and we found items sitting on the door step.
3. saying, let me know if you need anything- trust me, someone walking thru grief will not have the capacity to ask for help, because they don't even know what they need. Just stop by. If you see a pile of dishes, wash them. If you know the family, drop off gift cards to restaurants. If you know their favorite foods, stop at the grocery store for them. If they are a coffee drinker, deliver a hot cup.
4. Remembering special dates- holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and the anniversary of their loved ones passing away will be hard. Remember those dates and find a way to encourage the family. It could be a simple text, phone call, email or a hand written note. Valentine's Day this year found me receiving so many text messages, emails, cards in the mail letting me know how much I was loved. It truly touched my heart. I even received a few gifts...which truly touched my heart.
5. check in on them--don't assume someone else is caring, connecting, or reaching out to someone walking thru grief. Grief can be very lonely and hard, and often you don't feel like you want to burden anyone so you walk the road of grief alone. I've received some of the greatest encouragement from seeing someones name pop up on my phone and their text simply read: "I'm thinking about you!"
6. weeks after the funeral- after the funeral and family has gone home, now is the time to check in with someone walking thru grief. During the early weeks there is a lot of support, however once everyone seems to return to their normal life...reality sinks in, and it continues to sink in month after month.
7. reach out for the right reason-during the past 7+ months I've received a lot of messages that I've opened and thought...wow...that was so nice of so-in-so to email me. Only to realize they weren't emailing me to check in on me, rather they were sharing the name of someone they knew who was hurting and needed to be ministered to. They've explained to me that.... because you are SO strong, they wanted me to reach out to this complete stranger...and offer hope to them. There is a time and place for this, but often not in the early stages of walking thru loss.
8. be respectful of decisions made-I've been so BLESSED that my family allowed me to make serious life altering decisions within the first two weeks of Tim passing away. They never questioned me, rather they jumped in to make it happen, and they supported my decisions. I know they say you should NOT make any major decisions during the first year after losing someone. However, for me, my life changes have been huge in helping me with my healing, and there is not a right or wrong way to navigate decisions after loss. I would add that had I wanted to make an off the wall decision, I know my kids and parents would have stepped in, and offer reasoning and a sound mind. Their support during those 1st 6 weeks were so key to my mental health, and getting me on the right track for healing.
9. coffee, dessert, dinner-schedule time for this with someone walking thru grief. I've so enjoyed Saturday morning coffee chats, grabbing coffee and a dessert, or dinner just to connect. I've experienced this blessing from people I never thought would reach out to me, and it's been so encouraging and life giving.
10 don't assume-just because someone has a strong faith, don't assume that grief doesn't hit hard. For me, I've been very thankful for how I feel God has carried me thru this season. Yet, there are those days when the grief is all consuming and it comes out of no where, and learning to be a lone...is not always easy.
11. golden rule-this should be a given, but it's often not. Think before you ask a question, or make a comment. I have so many examples of inappropriate words spoken to me, and asked of me over the past 7+ months. I know people are well meaning, but there are just certain questions that should never be asked. Here are a few...in case you aren't sure:
- why are you still wearing your wedding ring? I get this question often
- are you medicated?...um...NO...and I'm still asked this question
- have you signed up for a dating site? That's hasn't even crossed my mind
- how long will you stay single? Maybe forever?
- where do you keep Tims ashes?
there are others questions that have been asked...but I'll keep those to myself because you wouldn't believe me even if I told you! Sigh.... A good rule of thumb is, if you aren't sure the words you want to speak will bring hope or healing, perhaps a simple hug might go further?
12. new boundaries- After the loss of Tim, I've chosen to walk away from some people. I'd often seen that during tough situations like we walked thru relationships are often mended because loss has a tendency to shake and wakes people up. However, this wasn't the case for our family. We faced many harsh accusations surrounding decisions we had to make during those critical days in the ICU, from family members who chose not to come and be by Tim's side. Yet, I carried much on my shoulders as I had to make life/death decisions AND share the news with Ashley and Andrew that we had to let their dad go. That conversation was one I never wanted to have with my children...yet it was in those moments I was SO thankful to have had my parents here with us as we together walked along side of God's plan for Tim, ushering him into heaven.
Don't be surprised if those in your life walking thru grief set new boundaries. It's often necessary as someone walking thru grief CANNOT be responsible to help other adults process what they are walking thru. And sometimes, the guilt of fractured relationships can lead to people trying to shift their pain, guilt and unresolved issues onto you. I've learned first hand that part of the healing process has been that I focus on what is best for my heart.
13. avoidance- the last thought I have is this....if you see me (or someone you know who is walking thru grief) don't go the other way or avoid me. I know it's often awkward, and you don't know what to say, however; it's in those moments a simple...it's nice to see you...goes a long ways.
Grief is tricky and there is no manual on how to navigate these waters. Yet I know that as I walk thru my grief I'm changed and I respond differently to those who are hurting. As I continue to take each step on my journey I'm gaining strength and momentum and I can walk along side others facing unimaginable grief.
And in my grief....I know I'm safe......
"grief never ends. but it changes. it's a passage. not a place to stay. grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. it is the price of love.' Elisabeth Elliot
My heart is with you. That song is beautiful. I never heard it before. Thank you for your thoughts. They are very helpful.
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