mile marker------8

Tim,
Today marks 8 months----35 weeks of walking thru the hardest season I've ever faced; navigating the ever changing ebb and flow of grief, learning to navigate life without you.  I've often reflected on conversations we've had over the years about how I wished God would give us a tiny glimpse into the plans he had for us....for our future. You'd always tell me...God couldn't and wouldn't do that because we'd live our lives differently...if we knew what was up ahead. In losing you, I'm SO thankful God didn't reveal what was to come.  For if he had, it would have altered our everyday---we would have walked in sadness for what was to come----and I would have walked in fear and worry.  I also know we would have done everything in 'OUR' power to be prepared, setting into motion what we felt was right, what we felt was best....yet, I'm learning that God always makes a way. In this season of unknown, God has called me to 'trust him' in the unknown, in the uncertainty, and I'm seeing his hand and his plan in ways I could have never imagined.

With each passing day, I so miss your encouragement, your words and the way you'd press when you'd ask me...."how are you doing?"  I'd always say ok!  You'd then say, "I'm going to ask you again and again until you are honest." You’d give me a wink....I'd grin and you'd take my hand and we'd sit on the couch and you would listen....and listen some more. You helped me process so much. You were my sounding board. You provided such a wealth of wisdom, knowledge and encouragement; and you'd always find the good...and pointing me to Jesus.


I always said you were the best girlfriend I could ever have...you knew me better than anyone. You knew me at my best....and at my worst. I'm a (care)giver----I dislike confrontation----I serve--I cry easily----I put other's needs above mine-----I'm a private person----I'm a peacemaker----I'm an encourager----I get my feeling hurt....to easily sometimes—---I hold my needs close to the chest---I'm an introvert----patience isn't one of my virtues....especially when I'm around things that are unorganized.  But with you---you always helped me find my balance—-helped me set boundaries----you pulled things out of me no one else could---and you'd always tell me I walked in wisdom, discernment and that I was smarter and stronger than I believed! You were my compass---my guide---and you helped me navigate so much.  I remember often teased that I gave you the greatest experience to be a good therapist/counselor! ha!😂

Since you are no longer here, I'm putting into practice the many words you often spoke to and over me to encourage and lift me up.  Your words and wisdom live on in my heart as I continue to take one step at a time, and I'm SO thankful for the gift of your words you've left behind...penned in all of your journals.  Seeing your written words, some how makes me feel close to you.

During this season I'm SO thankful that HE has been a very present help...in my time of need.  God's word has been SO powerful, encouraging and providing life to my bones. As I reach new mile markers on this journey I've often felt like the woman spoken of in Luke 8:43-38------knowing that if I could just press thru the crowd and simply touch the hem of HIS garment....he'd heal my heart.  It's been in my pressing in...my reaching out....my seeking and worshipping him, he's touching me and doing a miraculous work in and thru me.  My arms are out stretched wide at his feet asking for just one touch....knowing that he sees me—-he loves and cares for me-----he bottles up my every tear——and he’s promising me beauty from ashes, and he WILL one day turn my mourning into dancing.

This is hard work, learning to live life without you!  Yet I know that it's in my wilderness journey God IS and will do his most important work in and through my heart and life. As much as I want to get to the other side of loss and grief...I also want to sit in it...not rushing it, taking in every breathe, every step, every corner, every turn, finding JESUS waiting with his out stretched arms offering comfort and joy to my weary heart. I continue to press in making sure I'm not missing anything HE wants and needs to teach me.  I want HIM to complete his perfect plan in me and I know that that can't be rushed...no matter how difficult this season is...I must be patient and still. So, I'm resting in the knowing that God is good!

I'm so very thankful that HE is.....enough and he’s always there....waiting and ready to minister his healing balm to my worn and often tattered soul.  In the midst of grief I’m finding so much comfort in and thru worship music like this song(click title to listen to the song) :

Just One Touch

Here at the end of me
You are my victory

I'm trading my scars

For all that You are

For just one touch

With arms stretched open wide

Come set Your heart in mine

I'm here at Your feet

Jesus I need....Just one touch

I've believed since the day I lost you that your seed, would bear MUCH fruit, thru me, through Ash and Andrew and their families.  I wasn't sure when or how this would happen, but I knew God would move. Some of my greatest joy and comfort have come via emails/messages I've receive from people sharing their stories. Because of you, your death, and the way our family is walking thru this season, lives are being touched and transformed.  My hope and prayer has always been that our family would point people to JESUS, and I'm seeing first hand the ripple effect of your life, your death and how we are walking the road of loss and grief.  It's not only changing us, but it's changing lives and my heart can truly say....it's WORTH it all. You took nothing with you the day you died...except for those who are now following Jesus because of your/our story. What a gift that is!!!


I'm so thankful that this life here is temporary and that I have a deep----deep-----knowing that YOU will be a much bigger part of my future, than you were of my past.  This doesn't negate the ache that I feel in the deepest crevices of my heart missing you...but it stirs up much HOPE knowing we will spend all of eternity together, as a family.....worshipping our Savior....together. So today, and every day, I stand at the gate, eyes fixed on heaven knowing one day we'll be reunited; and I'm waiting with much anticipation and expectation....

I love you more....I love your most...I love you morst!

Until forever....
All my love,
Me
xoxo
P.S. I'll always love you.......more than tongue can tell💗